Vaccines

This is another one of those "different" posts.  I thought it timely to discuss this since we currently have Pertussis (Whopping Cough) in our house.

I will start by giving a bit of background.  I had my first 2 kids vaccinated almost fully.  Tink was vaccinated fully (but delayed) up until the age of 2.  Lady has received 2 vaccines in her life, June has received 1, and Buddy has received none.

Out of all the parenting topics I've researched, I have read the most about birth and vaccines.  I've read at least 3 or 4 books about vaccines, numerous articles and medical journal entries (online), and many, many websites-- pro AND anti vax websites.

I've come away with a good amount of knowledge about the diseases and the vaccines......and absolutely no clear line indicating what path I should take for my children.

I don't believe there is a "right" or "wrong" in regards to vaccines.  There is just "choice."  And I'm glad we have that choice to make for our children, but man, it's a big burden for me.

I'll discuss a few of the vaccines (not all of them) and things that I have learned and reasons why we no longer vax....at least at the moment.


Pertussis (Whooping Cough)

Last week Buddy came down with cough/cold symptoms.  We weren't surprised since our neighbors across the street had the same thing a few days prior and they'd been over at our house playing.  I tend to not worry too much about cold symptoms.  Otherwise the kids would never get to play with any of their friends for 6-8 months of the year.  And my kids have great immune systems and tend to not get sick very often anyway.  June started coughing at night as well during this time and had a couple of nights where she needed some menthol rub on her chest to help her sleep.

A few days later, Buddy's coughing was getting worse....especially at night.  It wasn't the "barking seal" cough of Croup.....we've dealt with that before.  Then Friday night, he started to "whoop" on the intake.  Brent suggested that it might be Whooping Cough, so I listened to kids with Whooping Cough on Youtube and decided that's most likely what he had.  I called the doctor's office in the morning.  Luckily my ped's office has a clinic open on Saturdays at a different location.  We drove up there later that morning.  They took a swab from Buddy's nose and said they'd call us with the results.  They also started him on antibiotics.  They called the next day and said it was positive for Pertussis.  No surprise.
While we were at the office, the nurse was quite nice to us in the beginning.  Then after the doctor asked us if Buddy was vaccinated and I told him no, the nurse's tone changed quite considerably.  But all-in-all, it actually wasn't as hostile as I had prepared myself for.

I called my neighbor to let her know it was Pertussis since she has a 3 month old baby girl and I was really worried about her.  And guess what she told me.  Her kids are vaccinated.  (And they all have Whooping Cough, including the baby.)  This confirmed what I had been reading.  The Pertussis vax is one of the least effective vaccines.  And in most of the outbreaks, the majority of cases are children who have been vaxed.  Back when the shot given was DTP, they used a whole-cell Pertussis vaccine in it.  It was more effective than the current vax, but caused a lot more side effects as well.  So they developed the acellular version....which is why we now have the DTaP shot.  This shot is not nearly as effective, but causes less side effects.

I'd read a lot about Pertussis with my last few babies.  My ped recommended I get the DTaP shot for Lady before her first winter and for June before her first winter.  I conceded and they each got the shot.  But they only got just that one shot.  For the vaccine to be as effective as possible (which isn't very effective anyway), I should have taken them back for more shots throughout the winter.  I chose not to.  During those winters, we heard of no one around us getting Pertussis, although I did read about outbreaks in other states.  When Buddy was born last year right before winter time I was faced with the same dilemma.  This time I chose to not give him any shots.  It was just what felt right.

And I will fully admit that when I realized Buddy had Pertussis, I felt guilt.  I wondered if I could have kept this from happening.  But the truth is that he probably would have gotten it even if he'd been vaxed.

Now, there are stories on both sides of this issue....heart-wrenching stories.  My friend posted one recently on FB that made it seem like every parent who chose not to vaccinate against Pertussis (and chose not to get the booster for themselves) was selfish and putting their child at risk.  If it were this simple, the answer would be obvious.  But it just isn't this simple.  Believe me, I wish it were.  No one should bully another parent into or out of vaccinating their children.

Pertussis is usually mild, if even symptomatic, in adults. But the younger the child/baby with it, the scarier this disease is.  This is why I was concerned about my neighbor.  There are still deaths from this disease.  There always have been, even when they used the more effective DTP shot.  This is why I am very vigilant when I have a new baby.  I didn't go back to church for a while after Buddy was born.  And when I did, I kept him in the wrap and did not pass him around at all.  I didn't let people touch him.  And when we got home from church, before the kids did ANYTHING else, they all washed their hands extremely well.  And we got lucky.  Buddy didn't get it last year, when it would have possibly been much worse for him.

The news and the commercials on tv would have you believe that if everyone was vaccinated, that we wouldn't have the problem with the outbreaks, but this just isn't true.  In reading about vaccines, I found out that there are different types of diseases.....those that can be potentially eradicated and those that will most likely never be.  Pertussis is one of the latter.  Small pox was eradicated because there was just one strain.  They made a vaccine for it, and everybody was quite compliant in getting the vaccine, so they were able to get rid of it completely.  Pertussis has multiple strains.  AND these strains mutate.  So there is really no way to make a vaccine that will confer immunity to every single strain and every single mutation.  This is why Pertussis outbreaks wax and wane.

And now they're finding out that the vaccine also wanes.  They originally believed it to confer life-long immunity, but now they've realized that it's often as little as 4 years, if that, depending on the strain you are exposed to.

Unfortunately for us, having the disease naturally also doesn't confer life-long immunity.  But it confers immunity for a lot longer than the vaccine, although there are still those who get it multiple times.  The assumption is that they're exposed to different strains each time.

So now they want everybody to get a booster shot for Pertussis every few years.  For how long?  Apparently a lifetime.  I just can't wrap my head around that.


Chicken Pox (Varicella)

This one is a really frustrating vaccine for me.  I honestly wish it had never come on the market.  It came out a couple of years before AJ was born and was just coming into popularity when she was little.  So I had her vaxed against it.  Roo and Tink were as well.  I really wish I wouldn't have done that.  As with the Pertussis vax, they are finding that the vaccine wanes and in just a few short years, the children  no longer have immunity.  The problem with this is that the older a person is when they get Chicken Pox, the worse the disease usually is.  It is not a fun disease, by any means, but unlike Pertussis, it is MUCH more dangerous for a teenager or adult to get it than it is a child.  And getting the vaccine at a young age is leaving children vulnerable at an age when the disease will be much more devastating.  So guess what they want you to do.  That's right, get a booster every few years.  Although they still can't even agree on how often one will need a booster.....most are saying every 5 years.  So every 5 years......for a LIFETIME.....my children will possibly need to get another vaccine.  I am not ok with this.

Luckily the Chicken Pox vaccine is similar to the Pertussis vaccine in that those who have been vaxed can still get the disease, they usually just get milder symptoms.  So my hope is that once I feel Buddy is old enough, I can find someone with Chicken Pox and purposefully expose my children.  I'm sure many of you have balked at the idea of a "Chicken Pox Party," but this is what it has come to.  I would MUCH rather my children get the disease naturally and have life-long immunity conferred than have to get a vaccine every 5? years for the rest of their lives.  The problem people like me are encountering now, is that it is VERY hard to find "wild" Chicken Pox.  There are many kids who get the disease FROM the vaccine.  So they go on to expose other kids, but now they're finding that that version isn't so great at conferring life-long immunity either.


Polio (IPV)

This is the one that I hear about most often from my parents' generation.  And rightly so.  They lived through it.  It was a scary disease.  My father-in-law likes to tell me about the "iron lung" he saw some of his friends have to use.  And the debilitations they were left with.  I have no doubt about any of that. It is a horrific disease.  It was interesting to me to find out, though, that only a small percentage of people who got it were affected by it for an extended period of time.  That's not to say that it wasn't scary. It was.  You didn't know whether you would be one that would have horrible complications or whether you'd be one that came away unscathed.

What I also found interesting in my reading was that the disease was declining quite a while before the vaccine came out.  Most people believe that the vaccine is what got rid of Polio.  But there is evidence that this isn't so.  If you look at diseases, they tend to have a life span.  Polio was apparently "dying" before the vaccine "saved" everyone.  There is further evidence of this because when the US came out with a "mandatory" vaccine program for Polio, Great Britain did not.  And if you look at the numbers, Polio in Great Britain died out at the same rate as Polio in the US.  In fact, there were many people at that time that got Polio FROM the vaccine because they used a live vaccine!

My father-in-law thinks that this generation has become complacent because we haven't lived through the fear of this disease.  And that may very well be true.  But there is a lot more to it than that.  Polio is no longer a threat like it was when he was young.  He attributes this to Salk and his vaccine.  I do not agree.  And that's ok.  We are both coming from different perspectives.

Unfortunately Polio has not been completely eradicated worldwide.  It hasn't been reported in the US for a long time.  And the few cases that were (the last one being in 1993) were imported from outside the US.  So there is still a risk of getting it......albeit minuscule.


Hepatits B

I actually don't really have a problem with this vaccine itself.  What I do have a problem with is vaccinating babies against it when there is no risk whatsoever of them getting it.  (Obviously there are some babies born to high-risk mothers, and those babies should get the vaccine.  But this is not the majority of cases.)

HPV (Human Papillomavirus)

This is one that scares me to death.  There have been so many horrible side effects seen with this vaccine.  They usually give it to pre-teens/teens to try to prevent HPV in hopes of preventing cervical cancer.  Honestly, if you are the mother to a pre-teen or teenage daughter and your doctor is telling you she needs this vaccine, PLEASE research it.  Research the HECK out of it.  There have been more deaths from this vaccine than you can imagine.  And there have been many horrendous reactions that have life-long complications involved.  My belief is that this one should have been pulled off the market LONG ago, but for some reason ($$$), it has not been.  If it were a drug causing these same issues, they would've pulled it already, no question.

My thoughts on vaccines in general

Oh goodness, where to start?

You know how before a drug comes on the market it has to be tested for a long time to see what, if any, negative side effects they might find?  And then even when a new drug does make it onto the market, many of them are recalled because of side effects that they were not aware of?  Well, vaccines go through no such testing.  I mean, how fast did the H1N1 vaccine hit the market?  There was no way to do reliable short-term studies, let alone long-term studies of the vaccine.  That one scared the crap out of me.

And some of the other vaccines have gone through what you could call long-term studies.....with the general population being the guinea pigs for the experiment.  This really bothers me.

Many people have asked me if I think vaccines cause Autism.  Even saying those 2 words in the same sentence these days will result in a "Pfft." reaction for most people.  The man who originally made that claim was discounted, right?  Right.  He absolutely was.  That doesn't mean he wasn't headed in a viable direction.

So....do I think vaccines cause Autism?  No.  I do not.  Do I think there is a correlation?  Absolutely.  I have many friends who have kids with Autism.  There are many homeschoolers who choose to keep their children with Autism home instead of sending them to school.  One of these friends and I have had many discussions on the topic.  There are so many factors that there is no way to say THIS-CAUSES-THIS.  Her son was born healthy and happy.  And he developed that way up until 18 months.  They went in for their regular well-child and he got his vaccinations.  His mother said it was almost immediate.  She said on nearly a daily basis she could watch her son drift further and further away.  He is now completely non-verbal and his communication level is almost non-existent.  In talking with her I found out a few things.  Many of the people who claim that vaccines cause no harm point out that Autism has always been around.  And this is true.  But late-onset Autism (meaning they didn't have it from birth) has not.  And it has risen drastically and in correlation with the increase in vaccines over the years.

Side note:  Did you know that if you are from my generation (I was born in 1979), you probably received around 10 vaccines total before you went to Kindergarten.  Children now?  They receive 36.  36!  And 26 of those are given by the time they turn 2.  You can't tell me this hasn't had an impact on our children's health.

So.....what my friend (and I) believe about vaccines and Autism.....
There is usually a genetic link in regards to Autism.  The likelihood of one of your children being diagnosed with it is greater if someone in your family has it.  We believe that some kids are genetically pre-disposed to getting Autism.  They have a switch that can be flipped.  And that vaccines (along with possibly other things) can flip that switch.  Not even necessarily one vaccine, like that one scientist was trying to prove with the MMR vaccine.  But that the build-up of them can lead to the switch being flipped.  For some reason it is much more prevalent in boys than in girls.

Vaccines are full of things that, if someone offered them to you on a spoon, you'd never ingest them.  And yet, we willingly inject them into our bloodstream.  This is another thing that bothers me about vaccines.  When someone contracts a disease, they usually get it through contact with bodily fluid or direct contact with a carrier.  A lot of these diseases enter the body through an orifice (eyes, nose, mouth).  The body then sends the immune system into gear to combat it.  It usually takes a long time for a disease to get to the bloodstream (if it ever does).  And yet we are injecting these vaccines (dead diseases) directly into the bloodstream.  The body's immune system does NOT react in the same way it would if we contracted the disease naturally.  This is why many vaccines do not confer life-long immunity while contracting the disease naturally does.  So I guess you could say the system of delivery bothers me, along with MANY of the ingredients in the vaccines.  There are toxins in all of them.  And I have a hard time being ok with putting that into my child's body on purpose.

One thing that bothers me about vaccines is when they're called "immunizations."  Because this infers that they confer immunity.  Many of them do not.  In fact, none of them actually claim to confer 100% immunity.  But this paragraph is probably just me being picky.  I'm kind of big on semantics.  (This is why I say "children with Autism" instead of "Autistic kids."  Because Autism shouldn't define them.)

Back to worrying about the health of our children and how vaccines affect their health.....
Like Autism, there are probably multiple factors that contribute to childhood illness and also illnesses later in life.  There are many childhood illnesses that I wonder about, though.  More and more children are being diagnosed with cancer, autoimmune diseases, and allergies (which all have correlations to the immune system) than ever before.  I have to wonder if the increase in vaccinations has a lot to do with this.
The next book I want to read on this subject is this one.  Sounds interesting. ;) Here is a write-up about it.


So.....for now we're not vaccinating.  I may change my mind in the future.  In fact, I plan to read up on some again, now that Lady is 5 and see if there are any that I really want her to have.  There are many that she doesn't need now that she's 5.

There are very few parenting decisions that I feel have an absolute right or wrong.  I do believe that there are "good enough," "better," and "best" choices to be made in most situations.  I honestly don't even claim to be making the "best" decision in regards to this.  I'm just doing what feels right right now.  That may change in the future.  A lot of study and a lot of prayer goes into these decisions for me.  I feel like I'm "playing it safe" by not vaccinating.  I have many friends who choose to "play it safe" by vaccinating.  And that's ok.

9 months

I'm back.  Hopefully.  I can't promise daily posts, but I really want to get better again about keeping a journal of our lives.

The last 9 months have been some of the hardest of my life.  And things aren't completely better, but I have a better outlook.  Buddy has been my hardest baby yet.  He is such a ray of sunshine and such a blessing in our lives, though.  Hard, yes.  But totally worth it.  His life has just seemed to go from one hard thing to another.  We've done a number of things to try to "figure him out" and some things have worked a little, some have been utter failures.  It basically boils down to him being sad a lot.  And he is very inconsistent.  I think I might even be able to handle it better if there was consistency to his sadness.  But this baby isn't consistent in anything.  He'll be happy for 2-3 days in a row and we'll get our hopes up and then they will be dashed by him having a few really hard days and nights in a row.  When he's sad, he's needy (like all babies).  And he's a mama's boy, so that means if he's having a hard day, I don't get much done that day.  And if he's had a hard night, I'm often a zombie the next day.  It's been rough.  It's also been hard on the kids.  They have each had moments of freaking out when the stress is just too much for them as well.  When I'm especially on-edge, it also puts them on -edge and there is a tension in our house that is palpable.  It makes me sad.  We just can't seem to figure out why he's sad.  A few times we've known why it was worse than normal, but then those things end or get taken care of and he's still sad (just maybe not AS sad as he was when he was going through something obvious (like teething)).

BUT there have been so many blessings along the way.  Brent and I have been humbled (children seem to be really good at doing that to us) and our patience has increased.  Don't get me wrong, we still lose our patience more often than we'd like, but I think we freak out about the little stuff much less than we used to.  Sometimes I think it's just because we're so exhausted, though, lol.  When you're tired all the time, you choose your battles much more carefully so as not to drain energy that you don't really have.  Another blessing has been watching my other children with Buddy.  Having them has been a true life-saver.  Sometimes when I am just spent and completely wiped out because of a hard night or when Buddy has woken up (again) after only a 20 min nap (after it took an hour to get him to sleep), one of the other kids will just come and take him from me.  Tink is actually really good at getting him to sleep and AJ is practically like a second mom to him.  They're all quite sensitive to his crying and often come and ask if they can help or try to distract Buddy by playing with him.  They have grown leaps and bounds in their ability to be compassionate and loving.  I have witnessed them being kinder to each other and they have all stepped up in the responsibilities that they have taken on.  This baby is SOOOOO loved!  That is one thing that he does NOT lack.......people that love him.  And he is such a joy.  He brings a lot of happiness into our family.  He is my best cuddler, by far.  He'll just nestle right into my chest and it makes my whole body tingle with love.

I'm a naturally protective mother (aren't we all?), but I've been amazed at how extra-protective I am of Buddy.  Maybe because he seems to need me more.  But when people suggest that I should just let him cry or stop catering to his needs, I get defensive.  I don't believe babies are manipulative.  He hasn't "got me figured out" like some people have suggested.  Their way of communicating their needs is often through crying.  Also, at this age, he doesn't have a sense of permanence.  When I'm not with him, he doesn't understand that I'm not completely gone.  So if I leave him crying in his room, he truly feels abandoned.  Why would I let my baby think his mother has abandoned him?  Why would I take away his sense of security?  How does that lead to a healthy relationship?

*I will admit here to having a few times when I just can't take the crying anymore, so I've left him in his crib for a few minutes so that I can breathe, pray, and gather myself.  But it's never been for long and only because my sanity was in question and sometimes it really is safest to just walk away until I can calm my emotions.  Most of the time, though, I just have Brent take over for a while if he's home.

Now I will leave you with some recent pictures.  My kids are growing up so fast it blows my mind.  Summer is our season of birthdays.  We're halfway through them.  So some of the pictures are of birthday parties.  This year is the year of odds.  All my kids turn an odd number.  AJ turned 11 in May, Roo turned 9 in January, Tink turned 7 yesterday, Lady will turn 5 the end of August, June turned 3 in June :), and Buddy will be 1 in September.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone!  I can't believe my baby's almost 1!  I'm trying so hard to hold on to all of these moments, but I get distracted by the daily grind and my to-do list.  This is one of my goals.....to care less about the to-do list and more about the to-play, to-watch, and to-love lists.

Too Many Thoughts

Warning: Random, unfiltered thoughts ahead. Proceed with caution.

Good grief. I haven't updated the blog forever. Want to know why? I have too much to say. Too many things going through my head. I have so many posts I want to write that I get overwhelmed and don't write any of them. Blah.

Plus I just don't know where to fit it in. I feel like I'm barely staying afloat lately, although things are going a little smoother than they were right after Buddy was born. He's still a somewhat high-needs baby, but he's so dang cute and funny, I don't really mind. I love holding him and loving on him. I'm trying to eat up every minute because I know all-too-well how quickly this time goes. And he's so big already!

I've come to the conclusion that I have a problem with time management. I never feel "caught up." I never feel like I've "got it under control." I get things running fairly smoothly, but I get a knot in my stomach feeling like at any moment, somebody will pull the string that will make it all fall apart. And then they do. And I head back to the starting line. I've had people ask if and how they can help. And while I'd LOVE to accept their offers, I have no idea what I could have them do. It's not like I can say, "Here, will you make all of these calls for me? Schedule my visiting teaching appointments, my kid's well-child check-up, and my kids' dentist appointments. Call Comcast and rip them a new one for me since they're charging me more for just one service than they would if I added another (unnecessary and unwanted) service to my account. Call my insurance company and find out what in the world is going on with my claim for Buddy's birth. After you've made all those phone calls, please do school with my kids. Then run them to their respective extra-curricular activities (of which they each only have 1 or 2, but with this many kids, it adds up). Then make lunch and dinner for me and my family." (Can you tell which phone calls are on my to-do list at the moment? They change often, but it always seems I have a number of phone calls to make and I take forever getting around to making them.)

It seems like as soon as I get one thing crossed off my list, I add 2 more. I don't even have time for grocery shopping lately! It doesn't help that Brent has been working insane hours at work as well. He leaves for work in the morning, comes home at a fairly reasonable time most nights (6-6:30), spends time w/me and the kids (but still responds to texts and emails via his phone during this time), then as soon as the kids are in bed, out comes his laptop so he can do more work until we fall into bed. He has so many meetings at work each day, that evenings/weekends are the only time he has to do HIS work. It's a little ridiculous, and he agrees, but there's not a whole lot that we can do about it. It's just one of those crazy times at work right now. And we really are thankful for his great job. But the scale is weighing quite heavy on the "work" side right now instead of the "home" side. Ugh. Is it possible to ever achieve balance?

I have a problem. There are too many things that I want to do. There just isn't enough time to fit it all in during the day. I want to invite other families over for dinner more often. I have the desire to serve (outside of the home) more. I have the desire to do more fun activities with the kids (outings and field trips). I still haven't gotten back on track with all of that. I will admit that the thought of taking 6 kids to a museum or something by myself is a bit daunting. I'm sure I'll come around to it, but the thought kind of makes me want to cry. I have friends and family members that I want to reach out to more often....to make time for sitting down with and shooting the breeze. But it never happens. I take forever to respond to emails from friends and family members trying to keep in contact because I'm not at all concise and when I try to be, I feel like it makes me sound rude and abrupt. So I just avoid responding to emails because I don't want to take the time to write out what I want to say.

So I have all of these things on my "to-do" list that never get done, and possibly never will get done. And then I go and read this post from my friend, Jen. And I cry. Because it speaks to my heart. I want to slow down. I want to take time to "be still." I NEED to. But I have no idea how to. I read parts of Jen's post to Brent the other day and I cried. Especially during the part where she talks about her husband. I realized that the same is true of Brent. He tries TOO hard and is constantly stressed about doing a good job at work, at home, as a father, as a husband, and at church. He has no down time. The man has a very hard time relaxing. He's such a good man and I take him for granted too often.

The other part that stood out to me was that Satan can't get to her by getting her to do Bad. So he gets to her by getting her to do MORE. This is so me! I'm not tempted to do evil things in my life. I'm not tempted by many of Satan's snares. But he gets to me in the area of "being/doing enough." I never feel like I'm doing enough or being a good enough mom or wife. So I convince myself I need to do MORE, MORE, MORE!

Brent and I talked about it afterward and agreed that our lives are too hectic right now and we feel like we're constantly in survival-mode. That's not a good place to be, especially not for such an extended period of time. But we both have no idea how to get out of it. We talked about what, if anything, we could eliminate from our lives to try to get to a better place. And we couldn't think of one thing. How sad is that?

Want to hear something even more sad? After our discussion about being in survival-mode, I realized something. When Brent calls me during the day to check on how I'm doing, I always respond with how much of my to-do list I've accomplished. If it's a good day, it's usually because I've gotten a lot of "stuff" done. If it's a bad day, it's usually because I haven't. So when he calls and asks me how I am, I respond the following way:

B: How are you today?

Me: Great! School and chores are done, beans are in the slow cooker for dinner, I got a couple of phone calls made, etc.

OR

B: How are you today?

Me: Ugh. It hasn't been a good day. Chores aren't done, school is only halfway done and the kids aren't cooperating with it all. I have no idea what we're doing for dinner because I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, so we don't have all the ingredients for the stuff we planned to make.

Neither of those responses are the answer to Brent's question. Why does my "to-do" list affect how my day is going? Why do I let it affect my mood so much? Why do I let it affect how I feel about myself? I was talking to my mom the other day telling her how I feel like such a failure because I'm inconsistent. I'm a woman, right? God made us inconsistent. Our hormones fluctuate more in one month than a man's seem to in a whole year. And they affect our moods and our psyche. I KNOW this, so why am I so hard on myself when I have "down" days? On my "good" days, I get so much accomplished. Life is good. And I think to myself, "See? I KNOW HOW to do this. I should be able to do it EVERYDAY!" And then a week later, I'm not feeling as energetic, I'm in a bit of a fog, and some days I just want to crawl back into bed until it's all over. Now don't get me wrong....I'm not in the depths of depression (I know because I've been there before), nor do I have Bipolar or anything like that. I'm a woman. These are the normal fluctuations of life for us. So why do I feel so bad about it?

(Did you know that some days I write down the simplest things on my to-do list just so that I feel like I accomplished something that day? Things like "get up" or "shower" or "get dressed" or "make lunch".....all these things I do anyway, but it makes me feel good to mark more things off on my list.)

Some days I want to throw out my to-do list and just let life take us where it may. It might even be fun for a few days. But it would soon deteriorate, I'm sure of it. I NEED structure in my life. My kids do better when we're structured as well. When they know what's expected of them each day, they have an easier time doing it. Plus, I have responsibilities that I can't just NOT do. I was given an extra dose of self-imposed-guilt in my gene pool. (As I'm sitting here typing this instead of paying attention to my children, a knot is growing in my stomach because I still need to do school and chores w/the kids and it's now lunchtime already.)

So I'm going to ask for your help. What have all of you done to slow down your lives? To live in and focus on each moment instead of on your to-do lists? How do you respond when your spouse asks you how your day is going? How do I get rid of the stupid guilt when a day doesn't go according to plan?

Buddy's Birth Story

I know it's been over 3 weeks since the baby was born. Life has been hectic and I think the babe may have reflux, so please forgive me.

I've decided to call the newbie "Buddy" here on the blog, since that's what the kids call him most of the time here at home. :)

I'm feeling rather sheepish now about my last post. It seems as though we were probably off by a few days on our dates. Buddy came out with quite a bit of vernix on him, and looking at him and at my placenta, it doesn't look like he was a post-date baby after all. So my impatience was without merit. See why I hate "due dates"? I'm very glad now that we didn't try any aggressive natural induction tactics and just let him choose his own birthday.

Brent and I went to bed at around 11:30 on Thursday, Sept. 22. Contractions started at midnight. This had happened a couple of nights before, though, and only lasted a little while before stopping. So I kind of figured that's what would happen again. I tried to sleep between them for a couple of hours, but that was a little difficult. So at around 2, I turned on some Hypnobabies scripts and tried to use those to relax enough to sleep. That didn't work. So I decided to get up and change positions and walk around for a bit to see if they'd go away. They didn't. They were coming every 4-5 minutes, but weren't very strong, though they had intensified somewhat since they started. At around 4:30, I went back into the bedroom and sat on the birth ball and breathed through a few contractions. This woke Brent up and he realized what was happening. He helped me through each contraction for a while and then we decided to call my midwife, Cathy, at around 5. We told her what was happening and that there was no rush. She said she'd be here in about an hour. I asked Brent for a Priesthood blessing before she got here. We had to do it standing up since I couldn't handle sitting down. We swayed through the blessing, lol. It was great!

I was feeling the contractions quite strong in my back, so I was worried that Buddy was posterior. I was having Brent push on my back to provide counter-pressure during each contraction. That was very helpful. Cathy got here at around 6 and I had her check me just to make sure things were moving along. I was 5 cm and 80% effaced and Buddy was at -1 station. She confirmed that he was slightly posterior, so we talked about different positions I could take during contractions that would help him move into the correct position. Cathy then realized she forgot to bring my chart and asked if we'd be ok with her running home and getting it. Neither of us felt like things were going to take-off in the short amount of time that she'd be gone, so we told her that was fine. At some point during this time, Brent texted my sister, Emily, so she could come. Cathy got back around 6:45 and the other midwife, Joanna, got here shortly after that. I decided it was time to get in the tub. And I got into our jetted tub instead of filling the birth pool since I really wanted the jets on my back. That was quite nice and helped relieve the pressure in my back.



Sometime between 7 and 8, all the kids woke up and got breakfast with the help of my sister and AJ. AJ was so excited when she woke up and came downstairs and saw Cathy. She came running into the bathroom to see me. I got a little teary seeing her. I was so glad that she was there to experience this with me again. After the other kids ate, AJ took them all across the street to our awesome neighbor. I'd already talked to her about watching them while I was in labor and she was more than happy to help. (I should note that I'd offered Roo and Tink the option of being here for the birth or not. I'd shown them quite a few birth videos, so they knew what was in store and they both said they'd rather go play. I guess labor is kind of boring until right at the end, lol. I'd also contemplated having Lady and June here as well, but decided a few weeks ago that I just couldn't handle the distraction.)

I was feeling like things were progressing, but they were progressing kind of slowly. I was ok with that, but I wanted Cathy to check me again just to see where things were. So a few minutes after 7, I got out of the tub and she checked me again. I was now 100% effaced, dilated 7 cm, but Buddy was still at a -1 station and still somewhat posterior. I was a bit frustrated by that and wondered why. I realized that's what I felt was missing. I could feel that he wasn't descending. I was sure that if his head would just drop, things would go quite quickly. So I decided to stay out of the tub for a bit and get in some different positions to see if I could get him to move down. I think I lasted through 3 contractions out of the water. One on the bed, and 2 walking around.

Holy cow! This is where I'm going to go off on a tangent and give a virtual bow to all the women (including my sister) who have ever had a natural, dry land birth. Those 3 contractions were SO intense! And I could hardly concentrate on my hypnosis at all. It sure didn't feel like it was helping at all during those contractions! I looked at Brent after the 3rd one and said, "I can't handle this! I've got to get back in the tub!" Then I turned to Emily and said, "I have no idea how you did this on dry land!" She laughed and reminded me of how "vocal" she was at the end of her labor. I said, "No wonder!" I should also note that Emily managed to do it in a semi-reclined position on the hospital bed. That was the worst position of all for me! I am seriously amazed by her strength!

So I got back in the tub, but decided to try to stay up on my knees instead of sitting down. I was hoping that that position would be more favorable for Buddy turning anterior. Things were so much less intense in the tub. It was awesome. And the jets were still helpful on my back. The contractions were still coming probably every 3-4 minutes and I could tell they were starting to get stronger, but they were getting stronger slowly. I was fine with that and decided that this labor would just take as long as it needed to (I wasn't going to try to hurry things along) and I was going to enjoy my time off between contractions. I listened to some more Hypnobabies scripts during this time.

Somewhere around 9 things started to intensify more and I was needing Brent to give me my hypnosis cues during every contraction. I got rid of the ipod and was just relying on Brent, which was great since my body responds so well to him. As things got more intense and the contractions got closer together, I realized we were getting close to the end, but still felt like Buddy wasn't as low as he should be. I started to get the urge to push and tried to do gentle pushes with each contraction (as gentle as I can manage, lol). Each time I pushed, I could feel Buddy's head come down, but as soon as I stopped, it popped right back up. I looked at Brent and said, "He's not coming!" Joanna asked if she could feel where he was and I said yes. She reached up to feel his head and said, "He's still got quite a ways to come." That was very discouraging, but I think I took it as a challenge. I pushed fairly hard with the next couple of contractions and then told Brent, "I can't do this." He said, "Yes you can!" And that was all I needed. I looked at him and said, "You're right. I can." I was starting to hyperventilate, which was making my hands go numb. So between contractions, Cathy had me put my hands over my nose/mouth to breathe. That helped a lot. And during one contraction, she got my attention and had me do deep breaths along with her. Then the next contraction that came was really intense and I decided to use it to get Buddy's head out. I pushed SOOO hard. I think I worried Brent a little because I pushed so hard and for quite a while with that contraction. But I just couldn't handle the intensity of it anymore! I needed him to come out!



My goal was to get his head out, but suddenly his entire body shot right out and into the water in front of me. I scooped him up and brought him to my chest, but Joanna said, "Oh, his cord." I looked down and sure enough, his cord was wrapped around him a couple of times. It was around his neck once, and over one shoulder and under the opposite arm another time. We just gently unraveled him and it was all fine. (This is where I could go off on another tangent about nuchal cords (cords wrapped around babies' necks) and how they're not really scary 99% of the time (1 in 3 babies born has the cord around its neck) and how it's actually a very safe place for the cord to be since it can't get pinched off, but just know that most of the time it's not nearly the "emergency" that most people think it is.)

Buddy started making some noises right away and then was very quiet for a minute. Then he let out one short, but loud cry and settled back down again. I lifted a leg to check gender and said, "Yay! He's got a penis!" Then I sat back in the tub and just held him and waited for the placenta to come out. Brent will want me to tell you his favorite part.....right after Buddy came out and I'd picked him up, I kept repeating, "Thank you for coming out." over and over. He thought that was pretty funny.





I think that the chiropractic visits definitely paid off since he came out in one grand push. I'm pretty sure it was just his cord holding him up in there. Speaking of his cord, it was crazy-long. (Did you know that boys' cords are generally longer than girls'?) And it looked like a telephone cord. It was coiled really tight. Very cool!



I did get 2 "skid marks," probably from his shoulders since they didn't have time to rotate. The midwives debated putting a stitch in one, but I said that if there was any question, I'd just rather let it heal on its own. I hate stitches.

After the placenta came out, I handed Buddy over to Brent and the midwives helped me get out of the tub and onto the bed. I nursed Buddy for a bit and then when he was content we did the newborn exam. I cut the cord again (I cut it with June as well). He quickly became discontent because he wasn't being held. He did not like being naked or examined! He weighed 7 lb 14 oz. My 2nd biggest baby! And he was 21" long. My midwife had the coolest thing for clamping off the umbilical cord. Instead of that big plastic clamp that gets in the way and makes a really hard, sharp stub when taken off, it was a rubber tourniquet thing. Just a very small rubber circle that is much more comfortable and unobtrusive. His cord fell off after just 1 week.

Do you see his beautiful WHOLE penis? I'm so glad it's staying that way!!! No needless surgery for this baby!
And you can kind of see the rubber tourniquet on his cord in this picture too.

The rest of the day is honestly kind of a blur. The midwives got things cleaned up, chatted with us for a while, and then left. Emily left sometime around lunch. The kids came home just before lunch. They were SOOOOO excited to meet their new brother. The neighbor that had watched them told me that Roo had asked about a million times that morning: "Do you think my mom has had the baby yet?" And, "Do you think it's a boy? I think it's a boy." I'm so happy he has a brother now! And you should see how darling he is holding him.


Brent made everybody lunch and then put June and Lady down for their naps. The big kids took care of themselves while Brent and I slept with Buddy for a while through the afternoon. Brent's parents brought us dinner that night. And we went to bed early.


I think I'll end with that and try to play catch-up for the last 3 1/2 weeks in the next post. I'm sure I'm forgetting some things I wanted to have written down in this post, but I'm fairly certain my brain matter has been replaced with oatmeal, so I'm having a hard time recalling a lot of things. ;)

Due Dates and Expectations

Just as a warning, this post is more for my benefit than anyone else's. It's kind of a brain-dump that I've been needing to get out.

Yes, this post should have been yesterday since that was my due date. But yesterday was not my best day. I had Brent take a picture of me last night to mark the first time I've ever made it to my due date. In the first picture he took, he captured my feelings without me realizing it. In the next picture, I have a fake smile on. Haha.

Too bad I'm not sharing the pics. They're still on the camera and I don't feel like dumping them onto the computer today. :P

I have had mixed emotions all week. I really am fine still being pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE getting to feel this little baby in my womb, moving around, and kicking me, and getting hiccups. I know I will miss this so much when the baby is in my arms instead of in my belly. So I'm trying hard to enjoy every minute. It's also sooooo much easier to take care of a baby inside of me than outside of me. I'm trying to get sleep, but that's hard because my back aches so much at night. I know this is just preparation, though, for being up nursing all night long. So it's ok.

I'm trying so hard to not be disappointed that this baby isn't here already. I have complete faith in this baby, in my body, and in the two of us to coordinate this child's birthday. I am a firm believer in letting the baby choose their birthday unless there are extenuating circumstances. And this is the irony.....I'm NOT a believer in "due dates." In fact, I haven't even told anybody the actual "due date" until recently because it's just an arbitrary date. But it's what this society goes by and it's really hard to buck the system. Really, it's more like a "due month," which is what I've been telling people when they ask. I just say, "I'm due the end of September." Which is true. It's the end of September. And truly, I could go into October and still have it be within my "due month." But I don't like to think about that because October seems far away.

I told Brent that I feel like I'm 2 people at the moment. I'm dealing with 2 sets of emotions. 1 side of me is totally calm and confident, knowing the baby will come when it's the right time. I like living in those emotions. It's peaceful there. But then this other side of me likes to take over once in a while and put doubts in my head. Because my body worked differently 5 times before, maybe my body isn't working this time. Maybe I'll never go into labor. Maybe something's "wrong" with me now. See why I don't like living in those emotions? It's just Satan trying to get me to feel down about myself and my body. Every single time I pray (which has been quite often lately), I get a calm reassurance that everything is fine. God knows me so well!

I keep going back and forth between these 2 sets of emotions. I'm trying really hard to stay mostly on the positive side, but it's difficult. The one thing that remains the same on either side of the coin is the anticipation. This is worse than being 5 years old again, waiting for Christmas! I am SOOO excited to meet this baby! I feel such a connection to him/her already. I have such an overwhelming love for him/her already. It amazes me sometimes. I told Brent that I could easily go another 2 weeks (or more)....IF I knew that's what the plan was. But not knowing the plan is really hard. I am a planner.....I like to know what's going to happen next and when exactly it's going to happen.

You should have seen me these last 2 weeks. My house was immaculate. I had the energy of the Energizer Bunny. Everything was cleaned up and picked up ALL THE TIME. That is a really hard thing to do in a house that's full of 6 people (5 of them being small people) all day long. Chores and schoolwork were done early everyday. Brent even thought I was going insane for a while. I think I freaked him out a bit. But the closer it got to my "due date" (you know, that stupid, arbitrary day), the more I started to let things go again. My need for things to be in order 24/7 was actually creating chaos.....clean, organized chaos, but chaos, just the same.

Now my house is pretty much back to normal. I still have enough of my mom's genes in me that it's a clean house. The kids are still keeping up on their chores and schoolwork, but maybe just not finishing as early as before. The house is still mostly picked up and organized, but it looks lived-in now. Whereas before, I could've put it up on the market and hosted showings, it was so sparkly at all times. I'm hoping this means that my psyche is calming down somewhat. I keep trying to stay centered and calm. I feel like I'm doing alright most of the time. Brent might disagree, because he hears it every time I need to vent.

This whole thing has been a gift, though. I've talked a lot to Brent about expectations. And how it's because of my expectations that I've had these times of feeling miserable. I expected this time to be the same as all the others (which really shows a lack of foresight on my part, given that this whole pregnancy has been so different). I expected my body to respond the same way it always has. And instead, I was left feeling disappointed in myself and my body as a result.....which, if you think about it, is just ludicrous. I have no reason to be disappointed. My body and my baby are working together JUST FINE.

In fact, there have been some wonderful differences in this pregnancy. For instance, my ankles are normal-size. I haven't had any swelling/water retention at all. My rings still fit on my fingers just fine. Last Sunday, I wore a knee-length skirt to church. I would have never been able to do that in past pregnancies. I remember complaining to Brent about it, asking "Who in the world wears skirts that show their chubby ankles when they're pregnant?" Haha! I'm finally one of those women, and my ankles aren't chubby! I haven't gained much weight this last trimester. I think I've only gained 1 or 2 lbs. (To be fair, I've gained a fine amount overall (33 lbs), it's just that most of it was gained in the first 2 trimesters). I've only started waddling recently. My belly isn't huge this time around (at least in my opinion). And this baby seems to still have plenty of room to do dances in there. I'm thinking s/he is actually on the small side and maybe that's why s/he needs to cook a little longer.

Ok, back to the bit about this all being a gift. This child has forced me to let go of expectations throughout this whole pregnancy. And s/he continues to do so. I'm wondering if this might be a theme during this child's life. But honestly, it's been a great spiritual experience too.....being able to "let go" and turn things over to nature and to God. I've realized I need to do the same thing w/my expectations about the labor and delivery. I fully believe that positive affirmations and positive thinking lead to positive outcomes. But I need to change my mindset, somewhat, about my positive "expectations" during the labor and delivery process. I can't have a certain timeline in my head because I might just be setting myself up for disappointment again. And so I'm trying to let go of some of my expectations about the birth as well right now. Because I really do trust that everything will play out just as it should. And it will be beautiful. And it will be much more enjoyable if I can just let it happen.

Like I said in the beginning, this post is mostly for me.....because I like to see all my thoughts written out. It helps my mind be more clear. So thank you for allowing the brain-dump. And we'll let you all know when this baby decides to join us on this side of the amniotic sac!

Confession Time

Apparently I totally jinxed myself w/my last blog post.

The first trimester of this pregnancy was totally different than my others and the 3rd trimester has proven to be different as well. The 2nd trimester was lovely, as I expressed in my last post. And I really do still love being pregnant. As I type this, this child is communicating with me by kicking my ribs and pushing his/her head into my bladder. This child likes to stretch out. And s/he gets hiccups every night.....just like Roo did. I love it!

BUT.....this 3rd trimester has been harder than my past pregnancies, as evidenced by my lack of blog posts and general communication with the outside world. I have been TIRED. There have been days when I've had energy reminiscent of past pregnancies, but they are fewer and farther between. And after I have one of those days, I tend to crash the next day. I've still weeded the yard a few times, but each time I've questioned whether or not I would survive with a baby on my back. I have NOT worn June while weeding this summer, lol. The kids have been great and very helpful. It's been extra stressful the last month or so trying to get into a good routine with school and chores, hoping that it will carry over well when the baby comes. I'm planning on taking a couple of weeks off of school, but I don't want to take too much time off because it makes it that much harder to get going again. We still did school all through the summer (at a much more leisurely pace than normal) in preparation for taking some time off. I guess we'll just see how things go and see how I feel.

I really want to have a good, solid babymoon this time around. I tend to recover quickly and want to "get back to normal" or at least "figure out the new normal" soon after the baby comes. This time I want to take it slower.....enjoy the short time we have with a newborn in the house (our babies grow WAY too fast). I want to give myself a while longer to recover. I want to lie around the house just bonding with and nursing my baby.

(Baby just got hiccups! (It's 11:30pm here) See? Every night! I love this child so much already!)

Another confession....I'm slightly nervous about the labor this time. I don't want it to last as long as last time (which wasn't even that long compared to a lot of women, I know.....but it was long for me). I'm hoping it won't last as long, because I learned a lot of things from June's birth.....things I want to do the same, and things that I definitely need to do differently. I didn't use Brent as much as I should have during June's pregnancy, to practice hypnosis. I relied too much on the Hypnobabies scripts. While I love them, and they're awesome, my body responds so much better to Brent's voice. It's amazing the level of relaxation I can achieve with his voice in comparison to listening to my scripts. So I've been practicing with him more again this pregnancy, like we did w/Lady's. I've enjoyed it thoroughly!

I've been taking more herbs this time, as well, to help my body be more prepared for labor. I'm also having less people here this time. While I appreciated my support people last time, I don't think it was good for me to have that many people here. It's kind of like the theory of "A watched pot never boils." Even though nobody did anything to make me feel like they were waiting around for me (everyone was very sweet), *I* felt like I was taking up everybody's day, wasting their time waiting for the baby to come out and that stressed me out and slowed down my labor. Some women NEED a lot of people there supporting them, other women NEED for there to not be anybody "extra." I think I'm one of the latter. It's interesting how one can have 5 children and still learn something new at each birth. I'm sure I'll learn new things about myself at this next birth!

Another thing I'm doing this time around is seeing a chiropractor. I LOVE her! When I first went in to her, my hips were fairly "off." If you're looking down through a pelvis, it's supposed to look round, you know? My right hip jutted out in front of my left, leaving the opening for the baby smaller than it should be. So we've been working on that and my hips are totally aligned now! I'm so happy! And while I've still had lower back pain (I think it's just the way this baby is sitting in my pelvis), the adjustments have helped tremendously with that. I've also wondered if this is one of the reasons June was a bit harder to push out than some of my other babies. It's possible that she had a more narrow canal to get through.

I'm kind of hoping to have another night-time labor. Most of my labors have been evening/middle-of-the-night. June was my first daytime labor/birth, and honestly, I think I like laboring at night better. It's much more calm and relaxed. I won't have to worry about the kids. And then the kids (all except AJ since she wants to watch the birth again) will just get to meet the baby when they wake up in the morning! I'm getting SO excited to meet this child. It's such an amazing, wonderful, heavenly, magical time! I don't know that there's anything I love more than cuddling a squishy newborn, fresh from Heaven.

One more confession that's a somewhat silly one. I'm really hoping this baby stays inside until next week or later. I don't want to have a 9/11 baby. Sunday is the 10th anniversary of the attacks and I don't want it to always be associated with this child's birthday. Is that totally selfish? There's no reason for me to think this baby is coming that soon, but you never know. So send some "stay in, Baby" vibes my way, please.

Here's a pic Brent took of me at 36 weeks. We'd just got home from church. Don't I look tired? LOL.

Pregnancy

(This is me last week at 26 weeks.)

I thought I'd update a little about my pregnancy, even though there's not much to tell. My pregnancies tend to be fairly uneventful, thankfully. This is going to be somewhat of a ramble filled with all the thoughts I've had swirling around in my head recently.

I've been feeling very grateful lately. In Relief Society last Sunday, the lesson was on learning to love ourselves so that we could better love others. The teacher had us write down 15 things we liked about ourselves. 5 that were physical aspects, 5 that were personality characteristics, and 5 that were spiritual strong points. A lot of the women were having a hard time coming up with more than 2 or 3 physical traits because they were thinking about things like "pretty eyes" or "nice legs," etc. And so I decided to show them how I'd thought outside the box with this one because I also got stumped for a minute. I raised my hand and told that I'd written down that I was a really good pregnant lady. This drew laughs, but I explained that it was something I felt was a gift. Pregnancy isn't really hard for me. I've been pregnant a total of 10 times now with 5 babies and one on the way to show for it. I don't (usually) get super sick the first trimester like many women (although this pregnancy was an exception, but I got through it). I have a really easy time getting pregnant, which I consider a HUGE blessing given all of my friends that struggle in this area. My heart aches for them.

My body stays strong throughout the pregnancies. In fact, I got teased by neighbors when I was pregnant with June for being 9 months pregnant, with Lady strapped to my back, out weeding the yard. I've had a love-hate relationship with my body for years because I've struggled with loving my body in spite of the fact that it's not at all what the media and our culture tells me it should be. At one point, my dad told me I was "Pioneer Stock." At first that statement angered me. I felt it an insult even though I knew he meant it as a compliment. I'm not ultra-feminine or dainty. And with his statement he pointed out that I wasn't the only one aware of this. But that isn't at all how he meant it. I now take that statement as a HUGE compliment. As I've grown in the gospel and in my testimony of my purpose here on earth, I've realized what a blessing it is to be "Pioneer Stock." I've grown to love my body for all of the hard things that it can do. I may not be the most shapely, feminine, or beautiful woman on earth, but my body is strong and capable and REALLY GOOD at being pregnant and giving birth. With each pregnancy, my gratitude and amazement have grown and I stand in awe of what my body can do. And for that, my body is beautiful to me, and, I believe, to my Heavenly Father. I am doing with my body what He wants me to do. I am fulfilling (at least part of) my calling here on earth by bringing these souls to earth and I'm helping to make and grow their own strong, beautiful, capable bodies. I feel Heavenly Father's love for me very strongly when I am pregnant. And I never feel more "womanly" than when I am pregnant. Even though my belly gets big much more quickly than it did in past pregnancies, I love my temporary "culturally accepted" roundness. I enjoy my new curves. :)

As far as the physical aspects of the pregnancy go, this one is going along just great. I'm in the middle of the "fun" part of the pregnancy now -- the 2nd trimester. I'm past the constant nausea and I'm not quite to the sleepless, have-to-pee-every-5-minutes, no-comfortable-position-to-sleep-in nights. I'm feeling the baby kick and squirm all the time and that is probably my most favorite part of being pregnant. I love when the baby gets the hiccups and my belly bounces. I love letting the kids feel the baby kick or roll under their hands on my belly. The kids are getting SOOO excited! And lately I've been realizing I probably need to let them all watch some birth videos with me in preparation for the birth. Especially Lady, since she keeps asking me when the baby is going to "pop out." I only wish it were that easy. :)

Having older kids that understand what is going on has been one of the best parts of being pregnant again. It's so fun to watch it through their eyes. They love to come rub my belly everyday and tell me how it's getting bigger and so that means our baby is growing strong. They pray for the baby everyday. They talk about the baby all the time. And we've pretty much settled on a boy's and a girl's name, which is unusual for me and Brent. We usually just have a "top 5" list leading up to the birth. This time we definitely have front-runners for each gender, although we do have back-ups in case the baby looks nothing like what we've chosen.

I've been listening to my Hypnobabies scripts more diligently lately. Although I need to figure out how to use my ipod correctly, apparently, since I was rudely awoken by Michael Jackson singing to me in the middle of the night last night and my ipod got flung across the room. I love my Hypnobabies time. The meditation and calm it brings into my life are a definite blessing during my normally chaotic days. It's a chance for me to relax and focus solely on my body and my baby. It helps me connect with my baby like nothing else. And like this baby's older siblings, as soon as I allow my body to relax and unwind, s/he wakes up and is ready to party and greet me with a few hard kicks. It's awesome!

My midwife, Cathy, is coming for another regular check-up tomorrow. I can't wait! I love listening to the baby's heartbeat and talking with Cathy about my awesome kids and how I can't wait to meet this new little one!

Ahhhhh. I really do love being pregnant!!!