Due Dates and Expectations

Just as a warning, this post is more for my benefit than anyone else's. It's kind of a brain-dump that I've been needing to get out.

Yes, this post should have been yesterday since that was my due date. But yesterday was not my best day. I had Brent take a picture of me last night to mark the first time I've ever made it to my due date. In the first picture he took, he captured my feelings without me realizing it. In the next picture, I have a fake smile on. Haha.

Too bad I'm not sharing the pics. They're still on the camera and I don't feel like dumping them onto the computer today. :P

I have had mixed emotions all week. I really am fine still being pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE getting to feel this little baby in my womb, moving around, and kicking me, and getting hiccups. I know I will miss this so much when the baby is in my arms instead of in my belly. So I'm trying hard to enjoy every minute. It's also sooooo much easier to take care of a baby inside of me than outside of me. I'm trying to get sleep, but that's hard because my back aches so much at night. I know this is just preparation, though, for being up nursing all night long. So it's ok.

I'm trying so hard to not be disappointed that this baby isn't here already. I have complete faith in this baby, in my body, and in the two of us to coordinate this child's birthday. I am a firm believer in letting the baby choose their birthday unless there are extenuating circumstances. And this is the irony.....I'm NOT a believer in "due dates." In fact, I haven't even told anybody the actual "due date" until recently because it's just an arbitrary date. But it's what this society goes by and it's really hard to buck the system. Really, it's more like a "due month," which is what I've been telling people when they ask. I just say, "I'm due the end of September." Which is true. It's the end of September. And truly, I could go into October and still have it be within my "due month." But I don't like to think about that because October seems far away.

I told Brent that I feel like I'm 2 people at the moment. I'm dealing with 2 sets of emotions. 1 side of me is totally calm and confident, knowing the baby will come when it's the right time. I like living in those emotions. It's peaceful there. But then this other side of me likes to take over once in a while and put doubts in my head. Because my body worked differently 5 times before, maybe my body isn't working this time. Maybe I'll never go into labor. Maybe something's "wrong" with me now. See why I don't like living in those emotions? It's just Satan trying to get me to feel down about myself and my body. Every single time I pray (which has been quite often lately), I get a calm reassurance that everything is fine. God knows me so well!

I keep going back and forth between these 2 sets of emotions. I'm trying really hard to stay mostly on the positive side, but it's difficult. The one thing that remains the same on either side of the coin is the anticipation. This is worse than being 5 years old again, waiting for Christmas! I am SOOO excited to meet this baby! I feel such a connection to him/her already. I have such an overwhelming love for him/her already. It amazes me sometimes. I told Brent that I could easily go another 2 weeks (or more)....IF I knew that's what the plan was. But not knowing the plan is really hard. I am a planner.....I like to know what's going to happen next and when exactly it's going to happen.

You should have seen me these last 2 weeks. My house was immaculate. I had the energy of the Energizer Bunny. Everything was cleaned up and picked up ALL THE TIME. That is a really hard thing to do in a house that's full of 6 people (5 of them being small people) all day long. Chores and schoolwork were done early everyday. Brent even thought I was going insane for a while. I think I freaked him out a bit. But the closer it got to my "due date" (you know, that stupid, arbitrary day), the more I started to let things go again. My need for things to be in order 24/7 was actually creating chaos.....clean, organized chaos, but chaos, just the same.

Now my house is pretty much back to normal. I still have enough of my mom's genes in me that it's a clean house. The kids are still keeping up on their chores and schoolwork, but maybe just not finishing as early as before. The house is still mostly picked up and organized, but it looks lived-in now. Whereas before, I could've put it up on the market and hosted showings, it was so sparkly at all times. I'm hoping this means that my psyche is calming down somewhat. I keep trying to stay centered and calm. I feel like I'm doing alright most of the time. Brent might disagree, because he hears it every time I need to vent.

This whole thing has been a gift, though. I've talked a lot to Brent about expectations. And how it's because of my expectations that I've had these times of feeling miserable. I expected this time to be the same as all the others (which really shows a lack of foresight on my part, given that this whole pregnancy has been so different). I expected my body to respond the same way it always has. And instead, I was left feeling disappointed in myself and my body as a result.....which, if you think about it, is just ludicrous. I have no reason to be disappointed. My body and my baby are working together JUST FINE.

In fact, there have been some wonderful differences in this pregnancy. For instance, my ankles are normal-size. I haven't had any swelling/water retention at all. My rings still fit on my fingers just fine. Last Sunday, I wore a knee-length skirt to church. I would have never been able to do that in past pregnancies. I remember complaining to Brent about it, asking "Who in the world wears skirts that show their chubby ankles when they're pregnant?" Haha! I'm finally one of those women, and my ankles aren't chubby! I haven't gained much weight this last trimester. I think I've only gained 1 or 2 lbs. (To be fair, I've gained a fine amount overall (33 lbs), it's just that most of it was gained in the first 2 trimesters). I've only started waddling recently. My belly isn't huge this time around (at least in my opinion). And this baby seems to still have plenty of room to do dances in there. I'm thinking s/he is actually on the small side and maybe that's why s/he needs to cook a little longer.

Ok, back to the bit about this all being a gift. This child has forced me to let go of expectations throughout this whole pregnancy. And s/he continues to do so. I'm wondering if this might be a theme during this child's life. But honestly, it's been a great spiritual experience too.....being able to "let go" and turn things over to nature and to God. I've realized I need to do the same thing w/my expectations about the labor and delivery. I fully believe that positive affirmations and positive thinking lead to positive outcomes. But I need to change my mindset, somewhat, about my positive "expectations" during the labor and delivery process. I can't have a certain timeline in my head because I might just be setting myself up for disappointment again. And so I'm trying to let go of some of my expectations about the birth as well right now. Because I really do trust that everything will play out just as it should. And it will be beautiful. And it will be much more enjoyable if I can just let it happen.

Like I said in the beginning, this post is mostly for me.....because I like to see all my thoughts written out. It helps my mind be more clear. So thank you for allowing the brain-dump. And we'll let you all know when this baby decides to join us on this side of the amniotic sac!

Labor Day

Yes, I know it's been 3 1/2 weeks since our baby was born. I was planning on posting a lot sooner than now, but I've been enjoying my Babymoon, so please forgive me. Here's the story of our day June 11, 2009.

I woke up Thursday morning at around 10 to 6. I was aware that I'd had a few contractions throughout the night, but obviously not enough to really wake me up. I spent the next hour in bed listening to my Hypnobabies scripts on my iPod. The contractions were really close together (at least for the beginning stages of labor) that whole hour. (I had over a dozen in less than 45 mins). So I told Brent we should probably call my midwife, C, just to let her know. She wanted to come right away, even though we told her it may not be necessary. And even though it turned out to not be necessary, I was glad she came. We also called my sister, E, and my sister-in-law, S, just to put them on alert. I got up and took a shower and things started to slow down. I told Brent that maybe it was just false labor (even though I've NEVER had false labor before). I was still having contractions, they were just farther apart. So I got in the jetted tub and they started to pick back up again.

I'm relaxing during a contraction.

C came and I told her I wanted to be checked just to make sure this was really it. I was dilated between a 4 and a 5, so we knew that it was going to happen that day. We called Brent's mom to come take care of the kids and we all ate breakfast together. Around this time, Brent gave me a Priesthood blessing. It was beautiful.

C suggested that I squat during contractions to help the muscles work more effectively. That was a great suggestion (one I'd never had during previous labors). For the next few hours I climbed stairs, I walked all over the house, and I rested and listened to my Hypnobabies scripts. E and S came and got the run-down on the cameras. And the other midwife, B, came.

Before lunch time C suggested that Brent and I go for a walk. Since we live right near the river-trail, we headed down there with AJ. This was not a leisurely walk and C told me to make sure I walked through the contractions. It felt great to be outside and we saw a few fun birds and a fox on our walk. It was really nice to get out in the sunshine for a bit. On our way back, we called E and told her to go pick up some Subway sandwiches for lunch. Things slowed down again a little during lunch. So the midwives suggested we try a few herbs in my water to help the contractions be more effective. I drank a few glasses of that and things started to pick up once again. I rested in the birthing tub for a while, with Brent whispering relaxation cues during contractions.Then I walked around the house again for a while. I was starting to feel guilty that everyone had been here all day and I still hadn't had this baby. C could sense my frustration, so she took me aside and told me not to worry about everyone else. This baby had her own story to write and she may just need extra time to get situated "just so."

The contractions still weren't bad at all (thanks Hypnobabies!) and so I went in my room to lie down on my bed by myself and rest. I listened to more scripts on my iPod and I was able to rest quite well. The contractions started to get closer and stronger, so I was hopeful that things were progressing well.

Do you love my beautiful housecoat? I felt like my grandma wearing that thing, but it was the only thing Walmart had when I was looking for a nightgown-type of thing that would work with nursing (it buttons up the front).

I got up and walked around a bit more and things started to slow down a bit again. By this point I was feeling quite frustrated that things weren't going more quickly. Brent walked around with me holding my hand and we went in the living room to be alone for a minute and I cried on his shoulder. He was my rock the whole day and I'm so grateful that he was there. He whispered in my ear. I was strong; I was capable; my body knew what it was doing; this baby knew what she was doing; we were going to have the birth we wanted. That, more than anything, helped me get through the rest of the day.

I don't remember what time it was at this point, but I relaxed in the birth tub for a while, and then I wanted to be checked again. We were considering breaking my water. Both midwives checked me and checked the baby's head (to see what position she was in). I was dilated to around a 7 or 8 and had just a bit of cervix left. The baby was in the right position (anterior) and was descending quite well. We decided not to break my water at that point.I was so thirsty the whole time and so I kept having to go to the bathroom because I was drinking constantly. I stayed sitting on the toilet for a while because the contractions were much stronger in that position. Things were starting to really pick up and I was feeling happy, knowing my baby was coming soon. The contractions were getting stronger and closer together. I was needing Brent's help with relaxation cues with every contraction. I love his voice. Hearing him whispering in my ear helped so much I can't even describe it.

I got back in the birth tub and after a little while I realized I was in transition. This is the part where I need all my concentration to relax through the contractions. I am not a quiet laborer. When my body starts to completely take over, the ONLY thing I have control over is my voice. So I use it. :) I moan during the contractions and it feels great. It's a good release for me. I have no idea how long this part lasted, but soon I was feeling the need to push.

C was putting counter-pressure on my back during the transition contractions. That felt soooo good.

C had talked to me before about "breathing the baby down and out." And that's what you practice with the Hypnobabies scripts also. But for me, when the time comes, it takes all I have not to push as hard as I can until that baby comes out. So I didn't exactly "breathe the baby out." I most definitely actively pushed. C was very supportive during this....she told me to do what my body needed to do. It took a few pushes to get her head out. During these pushes I'm also not quiet. Pushing is hard work and I express that through my voice. I didn't scream or yell. I don't know what word you'd use to describe the noises I make during pushing. Either way, this was the only part where AJ got a little nervous for me. But she handled it great, and was just fine when we talked about it after.Once her head was out I knew it was almost over. One more big push and I reached down and pulled her up to my chest. (It was 5:22pm) That was one of the best moments of my life. The baby let out a couple of cries and then quieted right down and rested on me, looking around. I cried for a while (I always do....how can you not?) and then nursed her. She pinked up right away. We relaxed in the tub for a while. All the other kids came in to see her and they were all so excited. I delivered the placenta and everybody got to see it. Roo was especially interested in it and the amniotic sac. C showed them where the baby had lived for the last 9 months and showed them the umbilical cord that fed her for those 9 months. They were so amazed. The midwives put the placenta in a ziploc bag because we didn't want to cut the cord for a while. (It's best to wait until it stops pulsating so that the baby gets all of that good blood.)

One of the best moments of my life!

That's the placenta (in a Chux pad) in the bag next to my head.

After 20 minutes or so I handed the baby over to Brent and I went and showered off a bit. We passed the baby around a bit to aunts and Grandma and then I held her for a while again. We decided that I would get to cut the cord this time since Brent's done all the others. That was neat. I couldn't believe how strong it was. Then we gave the baby to C who did the newborn exam. She was a very strong, healthy baby. She weighed 7 lb. 6 oz. and was 21 inches long.

Cutting the cord.

My WONDERFUL midwives!

Weighing the baby.

The midwives got everything cleaned up so fast I couldn't believe it. They were amazing. You'd never know we'd just had a baby in my room after they were done. (As long as you didn't look in the bathroom next to the toilet and see all of the post-partem supplies....huge pads, mesh panties (aren't they pretty?), squeeze bottles filled with tea to squeeze on myself every time I go to the bathroom, etc.)

Brent's dad came and brought pizza and salad for everyone for dinner. That was great! I was SOOOOO hungry!

C went through all the post-partem instructions with me and she and B left. Then Brent's parents and E and S left. Brent got the kids in bed and we got ready for bed. The doorbell rang and it was my next door neighbor coming to see if we'd had the baby. She suspected we had when she saw all the cars there all day. By the time she left I was VERY ready for bed. We all slept pretty well that night. Even though I was awake with the baby a few times during the night, it was EXTREMELY nice to not be woken up every hour or 2 by some nurse wanting to push on my belly and check my blood pressure and wanting to wake up my baby and take her temp and all that.

We didn't worry about a name until the next day. We do have a name for her. Brent came up with it. We went through all the names on our list and none of them fit her. So Brent had his parents bring over a list of their ancestors. There were quite a few versions of this name on the list and when Brent suggested it, it just fit. It took me a while to get used to, but I love it. It fits her well. I picked her middle name from my ancestry. Email me if you want to know what it is. :) Now I just have to come up with a nickname for her for the blog!