Due Dates and Expectations

Just as a warning, this post is more for my benefit than anyone else's. It's kind of a brain-dump that I've been needing to get out.

Yes, this post should have been yesterday since that was my due date. But yesterday was not my best day. I had Brent take a picture of me last night to mark the first time I've ever made it to my due date. In the first picture he took, he captured my feelings without me realizing it. In the next picture, I have a fake smile on. Haha.

Too bad I'm not sharing the pics. They're still on the camera and I don't feel like dumping them onto the computer today. :P

I have had mixed emotions all week. I really am fine still being pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE getting to feel this little baby in my womb, moving around, and kicking me, and getting hiccups. I know I will miss this so much when the baby is in my arms instead of in my belly. So I'm trying hard to enjoy every minute. It's also sooooo much easier to take care of a baby inside of me than outside of me. I'm trying to get sleep, but that's hard because my back aches so much at night. I know this is just preparation, though, for being up nursing all night long. So it's ok.

I'm trying so hard to not be disappointed that this baby isn't here already. I have complete faith in this baby, in my body, and in the two of us to coordinate this child's birthday. I am a firm believer in letting the baby choose their birthday unless there are extenuating circumstances. And this is the irony.....I'm NOT a believer in "due dates." In fact, I haven't even told anybody the actual "due date" until recently because it's just an arbitrary date. But it's what this society goes by and it's really hard to buck the system. Really, it's more like a "due month," which is what I've been telling people when they ask. I just say, "I'm due the end of September." Which is true. It's the end of September. And truly, I could go into October and still have it be within my "due month." But I don't like to think about that because October seems far away.

I told Brent that I feel like I'm 2 people at the moment. I'm dealing with 2 sets of emotions. 1 side of me is totally calm and confident, knowing the baby will come when it's the right time. I like living in those emotions. It's peaceful there. But then this other side of me likes to take over once in a while and put doubts in my head. Because my body worked differently 5 times before, maybe my body isn't working this time. Maybe I'll never go into labor. Maybe something's "wrong" with me now. See why I don't like living in those emotions? It's just Satan trying to get me to feel down about myself and my body. Every single time I pray (which has been quite often lately), I get a calm reassurance that everything is fine. God knows me so well!

I keep going back and forth between these 2 sets of emotions. I'm trying really hard to stay mostly on the positive side, but it's difficult. The one thing that remains the same on either side of the coin is the anticipation. This is worse than being 5 years old again, waiting for Christmas! I am SOOO excited to meet this baby! I feel such a connection to him/her already. I have such an overwhelming love for him/her already. It amazes me sometimes. I told Brent that I could easily go another 2 weeks (or more)....IF I knew that's what the plan was. But not knowing the plan is really hard. I am a planner.....I like to know what's going to happen next and when exactly it's going to happen.

You should have seen me these last 2 weeks. My house was immaculate. I had the energy of the Energizer Bunny. Everything was cleaned up and picked up ALL THE TIME. That is a really hard thing to do in a house that's full of 6 people (5 of them being small people) all day long. Chores and schoolwork were done early everyday. Brent even thought I was going insane for a while. I think I freaked him out a bit. But the closer it got to my "due date" (you know, that stupid, arbitrary day), the more I started to let things go again. My need for things to be in order 24/7 was actually creating chaos.....clean, organized chaos, but chaos, just the same.

Now my house is pretty much back to normal. I still have enough of my mom's genes in me that it's a clean house. The kids are still keeping up on their chores and schoolwork, but maybe just not finishing as early as before. The house is still mostly picked up and organized, but it looks lived-in now. Whereas before, I could've put it up on the market and hosted showings, it was so sparkly at all times. I'm hoping this means that my psyche is calming down somewhat. I keep trying to stay centered and calm. I feel like I'm doing alright most of the time. Brent might disagree, because he hears it every time I need to vent.

This whole thing has been a gift, though. I've talked a lot to Brent about expectations. And how it's because of my expectations that I've had these times of feeling miserable. I expected this time to be the same as all the others (which really shows a lack of foresight on my part, given that this whole pregnancy has been so different). I expected my body to respond the same way it always has. And instead, I was left feeling disappointed in myself and my body as a result.....which, if you think about it, is just ludicrous. I have no reason to be disappointed. My body and my baby are working together JUST FINE.

In fact, there have been some wonderful differences in this pregnancy. For instance, my ankles are normal-size. I haven't had any swelling/water retention at all. My rings still fit on my fingers just fine. Last Sunday, I wore a knee-length skirt to church. I would have never been able to do that in past pregnancies. I remember complaining to Brent about it, asking "Who in the world wears skirts that show their chubby ankles when they're pregnant?" Haha! I'm finally one of those women, and my ankles aren't chubby! I haven't gained much weight this last trimester. I think I've only gained 1 or 2 lbs. (To be fair, I've gained a fine amount overall (33 lbs), it's just that most of it was gained in the first 2 trimesters). I've only started waddling recently. My belly isn't huge this time around (at least in my opinion). And this baby seems to still have plenty of room to do dances in there. I'm thinking s/he is actually on the small side and maybe that's why s/he needs to cook a little longer.

Ok, back to the bit about this all being a gift. This child has forced me to let go of expectations throughout this whole pregnancy. And s/he continues to do so. I'm wondering if this might be a theme during this child's life. But honestly, it's been a great spiritual experience too.....being able to "let go" and turn things over to nature and to God. I've realized I need to do the same thing w/my expectations about the labor and delivery. I fully believe that positive affirmations and positive thinking lead to positive outcomes. But I need to change my mindset, somewhat, about my positive "expectations" during the labor and delivery process. I can't have a certain timeline in my head because I might just be setting myself up for disappointment again. And so I'm trying to let go of some of my expectations about the birth as well right now. Because I really do trust that everything will play out just as it should. And it will be beautiful. And it will be much more enjoyable if I can just let it happen.

Like I said in the beginning, this post is mostly for me.....because I like to see all my thoughts written out. It helps my mind be more clear. So thank you for allowing the brain-dump. And we'll let you all know when this baby decides to join us on this side of the amniotic sac!