Never Enough Time

It seems that nearly every night I go to bed wishing there had been just a few more hours that day.  I never seem to be able to get to any of the "extra" things, this blog being one of them.  I guess I'll just have to resign myself to the fact that this is just going to be one of those things that I get around to whenever I can.

What have we been up to?

This summer, we have been camping numerous times.  It's probably my favorite thing to do with just our family.  It's become infinitely easier since we got a trailer.  And I will admit that it's made camping much more comfortable (which I KNOW defeats the point of "roughing it"), but whatever.  Brent and I bring 6 kids along for the ride.  If there's a way to make it easier, I'm all for it.  We've decided that our trailer is our "cabin on wheels."  We used to want to own a cabin, but have since decided we'd much rather travel around to different places instead of having to go to the same place every time we want to get away.

We got back from our most recent camping adventure on Sunday.  We went with our awesome friends that we met back before we had any kids.  They've got 6 kids as well and it's always so fun because our kids get along great.  My friend already blogged about it, so I'll just link to her blog here. :)

Our great adventure for the summer was taking a big, long road trip to Texas for a family reunion.  We went early so we could spend some time with some other great friends of ours, Steve and Kyrsten.  Brent and Steve were mission companions.  They have 3 beautiful kids and we always have an amazing time with them.  We rented a house together and spent a couple of days hanging out and going to Sea World.  It was SOOO FUN!

Then we spent another few days at Brent's sister's lake house.  Our kids had some great cousin-time, we ate yummy food, spent time out on the boat, and listened as Grandma and Grandpa (Brent's parents) gave a short life history.  We also got to visit Brent's brother on the Air Force base.  He is a Captain in the Air Force and is a dentist.  It was so fun to see his cute family!

It took forever to get there and back (22 hours of driving).  So we took the opportunity to do some fun things along the way.  We stayed in Santa Fe, NM one night.  The kids were excited about that because of the song Jack Kelly sings on "Newsies" LOL.  We were able to all squish into 1 hotel room each night, so that kept costs down a bit.  The kids were pretty darn good in the car, although Buddy was his normal "grouchy" self most of the time.  We couldn't help but laugh one day when June, sitting next to him, finally yelled out during one of his scream fests, "Sut up, Buddy!"  We normally don't say those words, but really....it was just what every one of us was thinking. ;)  He finally learned how to sleep well in the van on the last day of our drive.  He has since lost this ability.

It was SOOO HOT in TX.  We were prepared for heat, but it was still pretty bad.  Buddy had a hard time sleeping (as usual) when we were staying in the cabin at the family reunion.  And since there were many other people also trying to sleep, Brent took him out for a walk one night in the early morning hours and I took him out another night.  4am in San Antonio is really no cooler than 4pm.  I had no idea.  I thought the night might possibly bring a little relief from the heat.  I was wrong.

Now for some pics from our epic trip. :)

I will warn you that Brent and I are AWFUL at remembering to take pics.  We took our camera on our last camping adventure and didn't even get it out of the van.  We are so pathetic.  Lucky for me that time, our friends are much better at taking pics.....thus the linking to her blog. ;)  We apparently didn't get our camera out at all during the family reunion, which makes me terribly sad.  Again, lucky for me, Brent's sisters took a number of pics, but unlucky for you, I can't figure out how to upload them here from their picasa accounts.  So you'll just have to live with pics from only half of our great adventure.

 June posing in Mesa Verde.

 5 of the kids in an underground room in Mesa Verde.

 Brent, Lady, and June on a carousel at a park we stopped to play at in Roswell, NM.

 All the kids at our rental house enjoying green smoothies. 

 Me and June at Sea World watching the dolphins.

 I am a huge failure at capturing great images of dolphins leaping out of the water, so here's one of a dolphin mid-flip.

 My girls got along SO WELL with our friends' girls.  They were so cute together!

Lady also really fell in love with our friends' son.  He is a super cute boy and has the BEST raspy voice.  I could listen to him all day!

Vaccines

This is another one of those "different" posts.  I thought it timely to discuss this since we currently have Pertussis (Whopping Cough) in our house.

I will start by giving a bit of background.  I had my first 2 kids vaccinated almost fully.  Tink was vaccinated fully (but delayed) up until the age of 2.  Lady has received 2 vaccines in her life, June has received 1, and Buddy has received none.

Out of all the parenting topics I've researched, I have read the most about birth and vaccines.  I've read at least 3 or 4 books about vaccines, numerous articles and medical journal entries (online), and many, many websites-- pro AND anti vax websites.

I've come away with a good amount of knowledge about the diseases and the vaccines......and absolutely no clear line indicating what path I should take for my children.

I don't believe there is a "right" or "wrong" in regards to vaccines.  There is just "choice."  And I'm glad we have that choice to make for our children, but man, it's a big burden for me.

I'll discuss a few of the vaccines (not all of them) and things that I have learned and reasons why we no longer vax....at least at the moment.


Pertussis (Whooping Cough)

Last week Buddy came down with cough/cold symptoms.  We weren't surprised since our neighbors across the street had the same thing a few days prior and they'd been over at our house playing.  I tend to not worry too much about cold symptoms.  Otherwise the kids would never get to play with any of their friends for 6-8 months of the year.  And my kids have great immune systems and tend to not get sick very often anyway.  June started coughing at night as well during this time and had a couple of nights where she needed some menthol rub on her chest to help her sleep.

A few days later, Buddy's coughing was getting worse....especially at night.  It wasn't the "barking seal" cough of Croup.....we've dealt with that before.  Then Friday night, he started to "whoop" on the intake.  Brent suggested that it might be Whooping Cough, so I listened to kids with Whooping Cough on Youtube and decided that's most likely what he had.  I called the doctor's office in the morning.  Luckily my ped's office has a clinic open on Saturdays at a different location.  We drove up there later that morning.  They took a swab from Buddy's nose and said they'd call us with the results.  They also started him on antibiotics.  They called the next day and said it was positive for Pertussis.  No surprise.
While we were at the office, the nurse was quite nice to us in the beginning.  Then after the doctor asked us if Buddy was vaccinated and I told him no, the nurse's tone changed quite considerably.  But all-in-all, it actually wasn't as hostile as I had prepared myself for.

I called my neighbor to let her know it was Pertussis since she has a 3 month old baby girl and I was really worried about her.  And guess what she told me.  Her kids are vaccinated.  (And they all have Whooping Cough, including the baby.)  This confirmed what I had been reading.  The Pertussis vax is one of the least effective vaccines.  And in most of the outbreaks, the majority of cases are children who have been vaxed.  Back when the shot given was DTP, they used a whole-cell Pertussis vaccine in it.  It was more effective than the current vax, but caused a lot more side effects as well.  So they developed the acellular version....which is why we now have the DTaP shot.  This shot is not nearly as effective, but causes less side effects.

I'd read a lot about Pertussis with my last few babies.  My ped recommended I get the DTaP shot for Lady before her first winter and for June before her first winter.  I conceded and they each got the shot.  But they only got just that one shot.  For the vaccine to be as effective as possible (which isn't very effective anyway), I should have taken them back for more shots throughout the winter.  I chose not to.  During those winters, we heard of no one around us getting Pertussis, although I did read about outbreaks in other states.  When Buddy was born last year right before winter time I was faced with the same dilemma.  This time I chose to not give him any shots.  It was just what felt right.

And I will fully admit that when I realized Buddy had Pertussis, I felt guilt.  I wondered if I could have kept this from happening.  But the truth is that he probably would have gotten it even if he'd been vaxed.

Now, there are stories on both sides of this issue....heart-wrenching stories.  My friend posted one recently on FB that made it seem like every parent who chose not to vaccinate against Pertussis (and chose not to get the booster for themselves) was selfish and putting their child at risk.  If it were this simple, the answer would be obvious.  But it just isn't this simple.  Believe me, I wish it were.  No one should bully another parent into or out of vaccinating their children.

Pertussis is usually mild, if even symptomatic, in adults. But the younger the child/baby with it, the scarier this disease is.  This is why I was concerned about my neighbor.  There are still deaths from this disease.  There always have been, even when they used the more effective DTP shot.  This is why I am very vigilant when I have a new baby.  I didn't go back to church for a while after Buddy was born.  And when I did, I kept him in the wrap and did not pass him around at all.  I didn't let people touch him.  And when we got home from church, before the kids did ANYTHING else, they all washed their hands extremely well.  And we got lucky.  Buddy didn't get it last year, when it would have possibly been much worse for him.

The news and the commercials on tv would have you believe that if everyone was vaccinated, that we wouldn't have the problem with the outbreaks, but this just isn't true.  In reading about vaccines, I found out that there are different types of diseases.....those that can be potentially eradicated and those that will most likely never be.  Pertussis is one of the latter.  Small pox was eradicated because there was just one strain.  They made a vaccine for it, and everybody was quite compliant in getting the vaccine, so they were able to get rid of it completely.  Pertussis has multiple strains.  AND these strains mutate.  So there is really no way to make a vaccine that will confer immunity to every single strain and every single mutation.  This is why Pertussis outbreaks wax and wane.

And now they're finding out that the vaccine also wanes.  They originally believed it to confer life-long immunity, but now they've realized that it's often as little as 4 years, if that, depending on the strain you are exposed to.

Unfortunately for us, having the disease naturally also doesn't confer life-long immunity.  But it confers immunity for a lot longer than the vaccine, although there are still those who get it multiple times.  The assumption is that they're exposed to different strains each time.

So now they want everybody to get a booster shot for Pertussis every few years.  For how long?  Apparently a lifetime.  I just can't wrap my head around that.


Chicken Pox (Varicella)

This one is a really frustrating vaccine for me.  I honestly wish it had never come on the market.  It came out a couple of years before AJ was born and was just coming into popularity when she was little.  So I had her vaxed against it.  Roo and Tink were as well.  I really wish I wouldn't have done that.  As with the Pertussis vax, they are finding that the vaccine wanes and in just a few short years, the children  no longer have immunity.  The problem with this is that the older a person is when they get Chicken Pox, the worse the disease usually is.  It is not a fun disease, by any means, but unlike Pertussis, it is MUCH more dangerous for a teenager or adult to get it than it is a child.  And getting the vaccine at a young age is leaving children vulnerable at an age when the disease will be much more devastating.  So guess what they want you to do.  That's right, get a booster every few years.  Although they still can't even agree on how often one will need a booster.....most are saying every 5 years.  So every 5 years......for a LIFETIME.....my children will possibly need to get another vaccine.  I am not ok with this.

Luckily the Chicken Pox vaccine is similar to the Pertussis vaccine in that those who have been vaxed can still get the disease, they usually just get milder symptoms.  So my hope is that once I feel Buddy is old enough, I can find someone with Chicken Pox and purposefully expose my children.  I'm sure many of you have balked at the idea of a "Chicken Pox Party," but this is what it has come to.  I would MUCH rather my children get the disease naturally and have life-long immunity conferred than have to get a vaccine every 5? years for the rest of their lives.  The problem people like me are encountering now, is that it is VERY hard to find "wild" Chicken Pox.  There are many kids who get the disease FROM the vaccine.  So they go on to expose other kids, but now they're finding that that version isn't so great at conferring life-long immunity either.


Polio (IPV)

This is the one that I hear about most often from my parents' generation.  And rightly so.  They lived through it.  It was a scary disease.  My father-in-law likes to tell me about the "iron lung" he saw some of his friends have to use.  And the debilitations they were left with.  I have no doubt about any of that. It is a horrific disease.  It was interesting to me to find out, though, that only a small percentage of people who got it were affected by it for an extended period of time.  That's not to say that it wasn't scary. It was.  You didn't know whether you would be one that would have horrible complications or whether you'd be one that came away unscathed.

What I also found interesting in my reading was that the disease was declining quite a while before the vaccine came out.  Most people believe that the vaccine is what got rid of Polio.  But there is evidence that this isn't so.  If you look at diseases, they tend to have a life span.  Polio was apparently "dying" before the vaccine "saved" everyone.  There is further evidence of this because when the US came out with a "mandatory" vaccine program for Polio, Great Britain did not.  And if you look at the numbers, Polio in Great Britain died out at the same rate as Polio in the US.  In fact, there were many people at that time that got Polio FROM the vaccine because they used a live vaccine!

My father-in-law thinks that this generation has become complacent because we haven't lived through the fear of this disease.  And that may very well be true.  But there is a lot more to it than that.  Polio is no longer a threat like it was when he was young.  He attributes this to Salk and his vaccine.  I do not agree.  And that's ok.  We are both coming from different perspectives.

Unfortunately Polio has not been completely eradicated worldwide.  It hasn't been reported in the US for a long time.  And the few cases that were (the last one being in 1993) were imported from outside the US.  So there is still a risk of getting it......albeit minuscule.


Hepatits B

I actually don't really have a problem with this vaccine itself.  What I do have a problem with is vaccinating babies against it when there is no risk whatsoever of them getting it.  (Obviously there are some babies born to high-risk mothers, and those babies should get the vaccine.  But this is not the majority of cases.)

HPV (Human Papillomavirus)

This is one that scares me to death.  There have been so many horrible side effects seen with this vaccine.  They usually give it to pre-teens/teens to try to prevent HPV in hopes of preventing cervical cancer.  Honestly, if you are the mother to a pre-teen or teenage daughter and your doctor is telling you she needs this vaccine, PLEASE research it.  Research the HECK out of it.  There have been more deaths from this vaccine than you can imagine.  And there have been many horrendous reactions that have life-long complications involved.  My belief is that this one should have been pulled off the market LONG ago, but for some reason ($$$), it has not been.  If it were a drug causing these same issues, they would've pulled it already, no question.

My thoughts on vaccines in general

Oh goodness, where to start?

You know how before a drug comes on the market it has to be tested for a long time to see what, if any, negative side effects they might find?  And then even when a new drug does make it onto the market, many of them are recalled because of side effects that they were not aware of?  Well, vaccines go through no such testing.  I mean, how fast did the H1N1 vaccine hit the market?  There was no way to do reliable short-term studies, let alone long-term studies of the vaccine.  That one scared the crap out of me.

And some of the other vaccines have gone through what you could call long-term studies.....with the general population being the guinea pigs for the experiment.  This really bothers me.

Many people have asked me if I think vaccines cause Autism.  Even saying those 2 words in the same sentence these days will result in a "Pfft." reaction for most people.  The man who originally made that claim was discounted, right?  Right.  He absolutely was.  That doesn't mean he wasn't headed in a viable direction.

So....do I think vaccines cause Autism?  No.  I do not.  Do I think there is a correlation?  Absolutely.  I have many friends who have kids with Autism.  There are many homeschoolers who choose to keep their children with Autism home instead of sending them to school.  One of these friends and I have had many discussions on the topic.  There are so many factors that there is no way to say THIS-CAUSES-THIS.  Her son was born healthy and happy.  And he developed that way up until 18 months.  They went in for their regular well-child and he got his vaccinations.  His mother said it was almost immediate.  She said on nearly a daily basis she could watch her son drift further and further away.  He is now completely non-verbal and his communication level is almost non-existent.  In talking with her I found out a few things.  Many of the people who claim that vaccines cause no harm point out that Autism has always been around.  And this is true.  But late-onset Autism (meaning they didn't have it from birth) has not.  And it has risen drastically and in correlation with the increase in vaccines over the years.

Side note:  Did you know that if you are from my generation (I was born in 1979), you probably received around 10 vaccines total before you went to Kindergarten.  Children now?  They receive 36.  36!  And 26 of those are given by the time they turn 2.  You can't tell me this hasn't had an impact on our children's health.

So.....what my friend (and I) believe about vaccines and Autism.....
There is usually a genetic link in regards to Autism.  The likelihood of one of your children being diagnosed with it is greater if someone in your family has it.  We believe that some kids are genetically pre-disposed to getting Autism.  They have a switch that can be flipped.  And that vaccines (along with possibly other things) can flip that switch.  Not even necessarily one vaccine, like that one scientist was trying to prove with the MMR vaccine.  But that the build-up of them can lead to the switch being flipped.  For some reason it is much more prevalent in boys than in girls.

Vaccines are full of things that, if someone offered them to you on a spoon, you'd never ingest them.  And yet, we willingly inject them into our bloodstream.  This is another thing that bothers me about vaccines.  When someone contracts a disease, they usually get it through contact with bodily fluid or direct contact with a carrier.  A lot of these diseases enter the body through an orifice (eyes, nose, mouth).  The body then sends the immune system into gear to combat it.  It usually takes a long time for a disease to get to the bloodstream (if it ever does).  And yet we are injecting these vaccines (dead diseases) directly into the bloodstream.  The body's immune system does NOT react in the same way it would if we contracted the disease naturally.  This is why many vaccines do not confer life-long immunity while contracting the disease naturally does.  So I guess you could say the system of delivery bothers me, along with MANY of the ingredients in the vaccines.  There are toxins in all of them.  And I have a hard time being ok with putting that into my child's body on purpose.

One thing that bothers me about vaccines is when they're called "immunizations."  Because this infers that they confer immunity.  Many of them do not.  In fact, none of them actually claim to confer 100% immunity.  But this paragraph is probably just me being picky.  I'm kind of big on semantics.  (This is why I say "children with Autism" instead of "Autistic kids."  Because Autism shouldn't define them.)

Back to worrying about the health of our children and how vaccines affect their health.....
Like Autism, there are probably multiple factors that contribute to childhood illness and also illnesses later in life.  There are many childhood illnesses that I wonder about, though.  More and more children are being diagnosed with cancer, autoimmune diseases, and allergies (which all have correlations to the immune system) than ever before.  I have to wonder if the increase in vaccinations has a lot to do with this.
The next book I want to read on this subject is this one.  Sounds interesting. ;) Here is a write-up about it.


So.....for now we're not vaccinating.  I may change my mind in the future.  In fact, I plan to read up on some again, now that Lady is 5 and see if there are any that I really want her to have.  There are many that she doesn't need now that she's 5.

There are very few parenting decisions that I feel have an absolute right or wrong.  I do believe that there are "good enough," "better," and "best" choices to be made in most situations.  I honestly don't even claim to be making the "best" decision in regards to this.  I'm just doing what feels right right now.  That may change in the future.  A lot of study and a lot of prayer goes into these decisions for me.  I feel like I'm "playing it safe" by not vaccinating.  I have many friends who choose to "play it safe" by vaccinating.  And that's ok.

9 months

I'm back.  Hopefully.  I can't promise daily posts, but I really want to get better again about keeping a journal of our lives.

The last 9 months have been some of the hardest of my life.  And things aren't completely better, but I have a better outlook.  Buddy has been my hardest baby yet.  He is such a ray of sunshine and such a blessing in our lives, though.  Hard, yes.  But totally worth it.  His life has just seemed to go from one hard thing to another.  We've done a number of things to try to "figure him out" and some things have worked a little, some have been utter failures.  It basically boils down to him being sad a lot.  And he is very inconsistent.  I think I might even be able to handle it better if there was consistency to his sadness.  But this baby isn't consistent in anything.  He'll be happy for 2-3 days in a row and we'll get our hopes up and then they will be dashed by him having a few really hard days and nights in a row.  When he's sad, he's needy (like all babies).  And he's a mama's boy, so that means if he's having a hard day, I don't get much done that day.  And if he's had a hard night, I'm often a zombie the next day.  It's been rough.  It's also been hard on the kids.  They have each had moments of freaking out when the stress is just too much for them as well.  When I'm especially on-edge, it also puts them on -edge and there is a tension in our house that is palpable.  It makes me sad.  We just can't seem to figure out why he's sad.  A few times we've known why it was worse than normal, but then those things end or get taken care of and he's still sad (just maybe not AS sad as he was when he was going through something obvious (like teething)).

BUT there have been so many blessings along the way.  Brent and I have been humbled (children seem to be really good at doing that to us) and our patience has increased.  Don't get me wrong, we still lose our patience more often than we'd like, but I think we freak out about the little stuff much less than we used to.  Sometimes I think it's just because we're so exhausted, though, lol.  When you're tired all the time, you choose your battles much more carefully so as not to drain energy that you don't really have.  Another blessing has been watching my other children with Buddy.  Having them has been a true life-saver.  Sometimes when I am just spent and completely wiped out because of a hard night or when Buddy has woken up (again) after only a 20 min nap (after it took an hour to get him to sleep), one of the other kids will just come and take him from me.  Tink is actually really good at getting him to sleep and AJ is practically like a second mom to him.  They're all quite sensitive to his crying and often come and ask if they can help or try to distract Buddy by playing with him.  They have grown leaps and bounds in their ability to be compassionate and loving.  I have witnessed them being kinder to each other and they have all stepped up in the responsibilities that they have taken on.  This baby is SOOOOO loved!  That is one thing that he does NOT lack.......people that love him.  And he is such a joy.  He brings a lot of happiness into our family.  He is my best cuddler, by far.  He'll just nestle right into my chest and it makes my whole body tingle with love.

I'm a naturally protective mother (aren't we all?), but I've been amazed at how extra-protective I am of Buddy.  Maybe because he seems to need me more.  But when people suggest that I should just let him cry or stop catering to his needs, I get defensive.  I don't believe babies are manipulative.  He hasn't "got me figured out" like some people have suggested.  Their way of communicating their needs is often through crying.  Also, at this age, he doesn't have a sense of permanence.  When I'm not with him, he doesn't understand that I'm not completely gone.  So if I leave him crying in his room, he truly feels abandoned.  Why would I let my baby think his mother has abandoned him?  Why would I take away his sense of security?  How does that lead to a healthy relationship?

*I will admit here to having a few times when I just can't take the crying anymore, so I've left him in his crib for a few minutes so that I can breathe, pray, and gather myself.  But it's never been for long and only because my sanity was in question and sometimes it really is safest to just walk away until I can calm my emotions.  Most of the time, though, I just have Brent take over for a while if he's home.

Now I will leave you with some recent pictures.  My kids are growing up so fast it blows my mind.  Summer is our season of birthdays.  We're halfway through them.  So some of the pictures are of birthday parties.  This year is the year of odds.  All my kids turn an odd number.  AJ turned 11 in May, Roo turned 9 in January, Tink turned 7 yesterday, Lady will turn 5 the end of August, June turned 3 in June :), and Buddy will be 1 in September.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone!  I can't believe my baby's almost 1!  I'm trying so hard to hold on to all of these moments, but I get distracted by the daily grind and my to-do list.  This is one of my goals.....to care less about the to-do list and more about the to-play, to-watch, and to-love lists.

Too Many Thoughts

Warning: Random, unfiltered thoughts ahead. Proceed with caution.

Good grief. I haven't updated the blog forever. Want to know why? I have too much to say. Too many things going through my head. I have so many posts I want to write that I get overwhelmed and don't write any of them. Blah.

Plus I just don't know where to fit it in. I feel like I'm barely staying afloat lately, although things are going a little smoother than they were right after Buddy was born. He's still a somewhat high-needs baby, but he's so dang cute and funny, I don't really mind. I love holding him and loving on him. I'm trying to eat up every minute because I know all-too-well how quickly this time goes. And he's so big already!

I've come to the conclusion that I have a problem with time management. I never feel "caught up." I never feel like I've "got it under control." I get things running fairly smoothly, but I get a knot in my stomach feeling like at any moment, somebody will pull the string that will make it all fall apart. And then they do. And I head back to the starting line. I've had people ask if and how they can help. And while I'd LOVE to accept their offers, I have no idea what I could have them do. It's not like I can say, "Here, will you make all of these calls for me? Schedule my visiting teaching appointments, my kid's well-child check-up, and my kids' dentist appointments. Call Comcast and rip them a new one for me since they're charging me more for just one service than they would if I added another (unnecessary and unwanted) service to my account. Call my insurance company and find out what in the world is going on with my claim for Buddy's birth. After you've made all those phone calls, please do school with my kids. Then run them to their respective extra-curricular activities (of which they each only have 1 or 2, but with this many kids, it adds up). Then make lunch and dinner for me and my family." (Can you tell which phone calls are on my to-do list at the moment? They change often, but it always seems I have a number of phone calls to make and I take forever getting around to making them.)

It seems like as soon as I get one thing crossed off my list, I add 2 more. I don't even have time for grocery shopping lately! It doesn't help that Brent has been working insane hours at work as well. He leaves for work in the morning, comes home at a fairly reasonable time most nights (6-6:30), spends time w/me and the kids (but still responds to texts and emails via his phone during this time), then as soon as the kids are in bed, out comes his laptop so he can do more work until we fall into bed. He has so many meetings at work each day, that evenings/weekends are the only time he has to do HIS work. It's a little ridiculous, and he agrees, but there's not a whole lot that we can do about it. It's just one of those crazy times at work right now. And we really are thankful for his great job. But the scale is weighing quite heavy on the "work" side right now instead of the "home" side. Ugh. Is it possible to ever achieve balance?

I have a problem. There are too many things that I want to do. There just isn't enough time to fit it all in during the day. I want to invite other families over for dinner more often. I have the desire to serve (outside of the home) more. I have the desire to do more fun activities with the kids (outings and field trips). I still haven't gotten back on track with all of that. I will admit that the thought of taking 6 kids to a museum or something by myself is a bit daunting. I'm sure I'll come around to it, but the thought kind of makes me want to cry. I have friends and family members that I want to reach out to more often....to make time for sitting down with and shooting the breeze. But it never happens. I take forever to respond to emails from friends and family members trying to keep in contact because I'm not at all concise and when I try to be, I feel like it makes me sound rude and abrupt. So I just avoid responding to emails because I don't want to take the time to write out what I want to say.

So I have all of these things on my "to-do" list that never get done, and possibly never will get done. And then I go and read this post from my friend, Jen. And I cry. Because it speaks to my heart. I want to slow down. I want to take time to "be still." I NEED to. But I have no idea how to. I read parts of Jen's post to Brent the other day and I cried. Especially during the part where she talks about her husband. I realized that the same is true of Brent. He tries TOO hard and is constantly stressed about doing a good job at work, at home, as a father, as a husband, and at church. He has no down time. The man has a very hard time relaxing. He's such a good man and I take him for granted too often.

The other part that stood out to me was that Satan can't get to her by getting her to do Bad. So he gets to her by getting her to do MORE. This is so me! I'm not tempted to do evil things in my life. I'm not tempted by many of Satan's snares. But he gets to me in the area of "being/doing enough." I never feel like I'm doing enough or being a good enough mom or wife. So I convince myself I need to do MORE, MORE, MORE!

Brent and I talked about it afterward and agreed that our lives are too hectic right now and we feel like we're constantly in survival-mode. That's not a good place to be, especially not for such an extended period of time. But we both have no idea how to get out of it. We talked about what, if anything, we could eliminate from our lives to try to get to a better place. And we couldn't think of one thing. How sad is that?

Want to hear something even more sad? After our discussion about being in survival-mode, I realized something. When Brent calls me during the day to check on how I'm doing, I always respond with how much of my to-do list I've accomplished. If it's a good day, it's usually because I've gotten a lot of "stuff" done. If it's a bad day, it's usually because I haven't. So when he calls and asks me how I am, I respond the following way:

B: How are you today?

Me: Great! School and chores are done, beans are in the slow cooker for dinner, I got a couple of phone calls made, etc.

OR

B: How are you today?

Me: Ugh. It hasn't been a good day. Chores aren't done, school is only halfway done and the kids aren't cooperating with it all. I have no idea what we're doing for dinner because I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, so we don't have all the ingredients for the stuff we planned to make.

Neither of those responses are the answer to Brent's question. Why does my "to-do" list affect how my day is going? Why do I let it affect my mood so much? Why do I let it affect how I feel about myself? I was talking to my mom the other day telling her how I feel like such a failure because I'm inconsistent. I'm a woman, right? God made us inconsistent. Our hormones fluctuate more in one month than a man's seem to in a whole year. And they affect our moods and our psyche. I KNOW this, so why am I so hard on myself when I have "down" days? On my "good" days, I get so much accomplished. Life is good. And I think to myself, "See? I KNOW HOW to do this. I should be able to do it EVERYDAY!" And then a week later, I'm not feeling as energetic, I'm in a bit of a fog, and some days I just want to crawl back into bed until it's all over. Now don't get me wrong....I'm not in the depths of depression (I know because I've been there before), nor do I have Bipolar or anything like that. I'm a woman. These are the normal fluctuations of life for us. So why do I feel so bad about it?

(Did you know that some days I write down the simplest things on my to-do list just so that I feel like I accomplished something that day? Things like "get up" or "shower" or "get dressed" or "make lunch".....all these things I do anyway, but it makes me feel good to mark more things off on my list.)

Some days I want to throw out my to-do list and just let life take us where it may. It might even be fun for a few days. But it would soon deteriorate, I'm sure of it. I NEED structure in my life. My kids do better when we're structured as well. When they know what's expected of them each day, they have an easier time doing it. Plus, I have responsibilities that I can't just NOT do. I was given an extra dose of self-imposed-guilt in my gene pool. (As I'm sitting here typing this instead of paying attention to my children, a knot is growing in my stomach because I still need to do school and chores w/the kids and it's now lunchtime already.)

So I'm going to ask for your help. What have all of you done to slow down your lives? To live in and focus on each moment instead of on your to-do lists? How do you respond when your spouse asks you how your day is going? How do I get rid of the stupid guilt when a day doesn't go according to plan?