Buddy, Body Image, and Life

I feel like I should give you another update.

Buddy is now 16 months old. He is doing so much better than a few months ago, it is amazing. He is HAPPY. And he is happy MORE than he is sad. I wasn't sure if we'd ever get to this place. He is so darling when he's happy! He has the cutest smile and a very infectious laugh. He has the other 7 people in this house wrapped around his little finger. People who come to the house always make a comment about how loved this child is.

His tummy issues seem to be mostly gone. He doesn't cry in pain anymore these days. And he's even tolerating a bit of dairy, though we try not to give him much because dairy's just not great anyway.

Everyone always asks how his sleeping is going. He is still not sleeping all the way through the night. But he sleeps usually 6 or 7 hours at a time, so that means he usually doesn't wake up until 3 or 4am. For about a week and a half he was only waking once a night. It was heavenly. I felt energized each day and so grateful for the sleep. After that long, I was really hoping we were on a great, new schedule. I was wrong, lol. He's back to waking 2-3 times a night. But if I'd just go to bed earlier, like at 10 (ha! I wish!), I'd get 5 or more hours straight, which would be awesome. Right now I'm just happy that when he does wake up, he will usually nurse right back to sleep and actually sleep when I put him back in bed (at least for another hour or so). Before, he was waking up and staying awake crying. That was hard. This is so much better.

(Dancing.)

We think he possibly has a bit of hypoglycemia. He NEEDS to eat often. He quickly goes into a downward spiral if he's hungry. So we try to stay on top of that.

Going through pictures, I realized we take a LOT of pics of Buddy in his highchair. He really is quite funny at meal times. He's happy when he eats. 

It's genetic. ;) 

(What can I say? He has sisters.)

(CHEESE!!!)

Buddy has really become an integral part of our family. He fits right in and has taught us all how to be more kind and patient and compassionate. I can't imagine life without this little boy. And can I tell you how fun it is to have a boy again after so long? There were so many things I'd forgotten about. I am loving it! And Roo is the BEST big brother ever. He is protective and sweet and always willing to play cars, dinosaurs, or Legos with Buddy. They are so cute together.

Buddy is, by far, our cuddliest baby. He willingly dishes out loves and kisses all the time. He also is more comfortable being held by men than women, which is a first for our babies. He loves going to his grandpas and a few of his uncles. I love it, since most of my babies have gravitated to women and sometimes our brothers miss out on cuddles. 

He's my first child that doesn't run away the minute I put him down. I've always watched other mothers/children in amazement when the kids stay right there by their mothers. My children have always jumped at the opportunity to explore (usually at a running pace) the moment their feet hit the floor. Buddy is content to stay within a radius of a few feet of me. Let me tell you how nice that is!

Buddy thinks that AJ is his second mother. He even chooses her over me sometimes. (He knows that he's more likely to get what he wants with her....she's a sucker for his sad face, lol.) I love watching their relationship. AJ always jumps at the chance to get him up from his nap. She loves that cuddle time with him. He adores her and usually does just fine in a new situation if she's there with him. 

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This last year+ of life has been fairly hard. (Not when compared to some people's trials, but I try not to compare.) My body is proof of the stress we've been under. I could look in the mirror and be frustrated at the weight and gray hairs I've gained. But I'm trying to be kinder to myself. My body is an amazing gift from God. It has given me 6 beautiful children. And when I'm stressed out, it has done what it's supposed to do. It has gone into survival-mode, which means holding onto extra calories and weight. And boy, have I given it plenty to hold onto, lol. But in a way, I think it's kind of cool that, if we lived during caveman times, I would probably have survived a famine, lol. That's a comforting thought, right? (See me finding the silver lining?)

I have always had body-image issues. I don't know too many women who don't. How can we NOT in this world? But I have realized (again) recently what a gift our bodies are. I believe that I was given the body that I need to have on this earth. And I am ever so grateful for it. It may not look like what the world deems as beautiful, but it is beautiful to God and it is beautiful to me.

I am in a much better place mentally now than I was a few months ago. So I am trying to give my body permission to rid itself of the excess. I am trying to give myself permission to be happy and optimistic again....to enjoy life and be grateful for all that I have been given. And I am SO grateful. It's been making me weepy lately just thinking about all that I have been blessed with.

 (Lady took this pic on our birthday date with her a few months ago. I love it.)

We went on a double date with Brent's brother and SIL this weekend (Vance and Page). Talking with Page is always rejuvenating for me. She always helps me put things in perspective and always makes me feel good about myself. She is an amazing inspiration and example to me. In talking about our husbands, we just kept remarking about how grateful we are for them. Neither of us realized what awesome men we married when we were first married. I just feel so lucky to be Brent's wife.

The older my kids get, the more I realize what awesome spirits God is saving for last. They are so much better than me! Sometimes it's intimidating being their mother because I feel like I'm the one doing all the learning and growing. They're the teachers! I am in awe of God's design. Families are the best way to learn how to be like Him. Our relationships with our spouse and our children are what will teach us and help us get back to Heavenly Father. Of this I am sure. I am so thankful for the families that I have been blessed with-- the family I grew up in, the family I married into, and the family Brent and I have created. As hard as the testing and stretching times are, I wouldn't give them up. It is through being tried and stretched and uncomfortable that I learn the most. God has shown me many muscles that I didn't know I had. And He has exercised them and made them stronger. It has not been a comfortable process, but it has made me a stronger person. I am grateful that He knows the plan for me and that I can take comfort in knowing He wants what's best for me.

Sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into a testimony, but it feels good to feel and acknowledge God's hand in my life. My friend, Julie, posted this beautiful Mormon Message about fatherhood. It strikes a chord when I think about what an awesome father Brent is. But I think the same can also be said of mothers and our relationship with our Heavenly Mother. Our experiences here as parents parallel that of our experiences with our Heavenly Parents so often. It does me good to remember that I am not alone, that someone else loves these spirits even more than I do, that *I* am loved with such fierceness, and that we are all working for the same goal....to all live together once more in the hereafter.

9 months

I'm back.  Hopefully.  I can't promise daily posts, but I really want to get better again about keeping a journal of our lives.

The last 9 months have been some of the hardest of my life.  And things aren't completely better, but I have a better outlook.  Buddy has been my hardest baby yet.  He is such a ray of sunshine and such a blessing in our lives, though.  Hard, yes.  But totally worth it.  His life has just seemed to go from one hard thing to another.  We've done a number of things to try to "figure him out" and some things have worked a little, some have been utter failures.  It basically boils down to him being sad a lot.  And he is very inconsistent.  I think I might even be able to handle it better if there was consistency to his sadness.  But this baby isn't consistent in anything.  He'll be happy for 2-3 days in a row and we'll get our hopes up and then they will be dashed by him having a few really hard days and nights in a row.  When he's sad, he's needy (like all babies).  And he's a mama's boy, so that means if he's having a hard day, I don't get much done that day.  And if he's had a hard night, I'm often a zombie the next day.  It's been rough.  It's also been hard on the kids.  They have each had moments of freaking out when the stress is just too much for them as well.  When I'm especially on-edge, it also puts them on -edge and there is a tension in our house that is palpable.  It makes me sad.  We just can't seem to figure out why he's sad.  A few times we've known why it was worse than normal, but then those things end or get taken care of and he's still sad (just maybe not AS sad as he was when he was going through something obvious (like teething)).

BUT there have been so many blessings along the way.  Brent and I have been humbled (children seem to be really good at doing that to us) and our patience has increased.  Don't get me wrong, we still lose our patience more often than we'd like, but I think we freak out about the little stuff much less than we used to.  Sometimes I think it's just because we're so exhausted, though, lol.  When you're tired all the time, you choose your battles much more carefully so as not to drain energy that you don't really have.  Another blessing has been watching my other children with Buddy.  Having them has been a true life-saver.  Sometimes when I am just spent and completely wiped out because of a hard night or when Buddy has woken up (again) after only a 20 min nap (after it took an hour to get him to sleep), one of the other kids will just come and take him from me.  Tink is actually really good at getting him to sleep and AJ is practically like a second mom to him.  They're all quite sensitive to his crying and often come and ask if they can help or try to distract Buddy by playing with him.  They have grown leaps and bounds in their ability to be compassionate and loving.  I have witnessed them being kinder to each other and they have all stepped up in the responsibilities that they have taken on.  This baby is SOOOOO loved!  That is one thing that he does NOT lack.......people that love him.  And he is such a joy.  He brings a lot of happiness into our family.  He is my best cuddler, by far.  He'll just nestle right into my chest and it makes my whole body tingle with love.

I'm a naturally protective mother (aren't we all?), but I've been amazed at how extra-protective I am of Buddy.  Maybe because he seems to need me more.  But when people suggest that I should just let him cry or stop catering to his needs, I get defensive.  I don't believe babies are manipulative.  He hasn't "got me figured out" like some people have suggested.  Their way of communicating their needs is often through crying.  Also, at this age, he doesn't have a sense of permanence.  When I'm not with him, he doesn't understand that I'm not completely gone.  So if I leave him crying in his room, he truly feels abandoned.  Why would I let my baby think his mother has abandoned him?  Why would I take away his sense of security?  How does that lead to a healthy relationship?

*I will admit here to having a few times when I just can't take the crying anymore, so I've left him in his crib for a few minutes so that I can breathe, pray, and gather myself.  But it's never been for long and only because my sanity was in question and sometimes it really is safest to just walk away until I can calm my emotions.  Most of the time, though, I just have Brent take over for a while if he's home.

Now I will leave you with some recent pictures.  My kids are growing up so fast it blows my mind.  Summer is our season of birthdays.  We're halfway through them.  So some of the pictures are of birthday parties.  This year is the year of odds.  All my kids turn an odd number.  AJ turned 11 in May, Roo turned 9 in January, Tink turned 7 yesterday, Lady will turn 5 the end of August, June turned 3 in June :), and Buddy will be 1 in September.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone!  I can't believe my baby's almost 1!  I'm trying so hard to hold on to all of these moments, but I get distracted by the daily grind and my to-do list.  This is one of my goals.....to care less about the to-do list and more about the to-play, to-watch, and to-love lists.