Too Many Thoughts

Warning: Random, unfiltered thoughts ahead. Proceed with caution.

Good grief. I haven't updated the blog forever. Want to know why? I have too much to say. Too many things going through my head. I have so many posts I want to write that I get overwhelmed and don't write any of them. Blah.

Plus I just don't know where to fit it in. I feel like I'm barely staying afloat lately, although things are going a little smoother than they were right after Buddy was born. He's still a somewhat high-needs baby, but he's so dang cute and funny, I don't really mind. I love holding him and loving on him. I'm trying to eat up every minute because I know all-too-well how quickly this time goes. And he's so big already!

I've come to the conclusion that I have a problem with time management. I never feel "caught up." I never feel like I've "got it under control." I get things running fairly smoothly, but I get a knot in my stomach feeling like at any moment, somebody will pull the string that will make it all fall apart. And then they do. And I head back to the starting line. I've had people ask if and how they can help. And while I'd LOVE to accept their offers, I have no idea what I could have them do. It's not like I can say, "Here, will you make all of these calls for me? Schedule my visiting teaching appointments, my kid's well-child check-up, and my kids' dentist appointments. Call Comcast and rip them a new one for me since they're charging me more for just one service than they would if I added another (unnecessary and unwanted) service to my account. Call my insurance company and find out what in the world is going on with my claim for Buddy's birth. After you've made all those phone calls, please do school with my kids. Then run them to their respective extra-curricular activities (of which they each only have 1 or 2, but with this many kids, it adds up). Then make lunch and dinner for me and my family." (Can you tell which phone calls are on my to-do list at the moment? They change often, but it always seems I have a number of phone calls to make and I take forever getting around to making them.)

It seems like as soon as I get one thing crossed off my list, I add 2 more. I don't even have time for grocery shopping lately! It doesn't help that Brent has been working insane hours at work as well. He leaves for work in the morning, comes home at a fairly reasonable time most nights (6-6:30), spends time w/me and the kids (but still responds to texts and emails via his phone during this time), then as soon as the kids are in bed, out comes his laptop so he can do more work until we fall into bed. He has so many meetings at work each day, that evenings/weekends are the only time he has to do HIS work. It's a little ridiculous, and he agrees, but there's not a whole lot that we can do about it. It's just one of those crazy times at work right now. And we really are thankful for his great job. But the scale is weighing quite heavy on the "work" side right now instead of the "home" side. Ugh. Is it possible to ever achieve balance?

I have a problem. There are too many things that I want to do. There just isn't enough time to fit it all in during the day. I want to invite other families over for dinner more often. I have the desire to serve (outside of the home) more. I have the desire to do more fun activities with the kids (outings and field trips). I still haven't gotten back on track with all of that. I will admit that the thought of taking 6 kids to a museum or something by myself is a bit daunting. I'm sure I'll come around to it, but the thought kind of makes me want to cry. I have friends and family members that I want to reach out to more often....to make time for sitting down with and shooting the breeze. But it never happens. I take forever to respond to emails from friends and family members trying to keep in contact because I'm not at all concise and when I try to be, I feel like it makes me sound rude and abrupt. So I just avoid responding to emails because I don't want to take the time to write out what I want to say.

So I have all of these things on my "to-do" list that never get done, and possibly never will get done. And then I go and read this post from my friend, Jen. And I cry. Because it speaks to my heart. I want to slow down. I want to take time to "be still." I NEED to. But I have no idea how to. I read parts of Jen's post to Brent the other day and I cried. Especially during the part where she talks about her husband. I realized that the same is true of Brent. He tries TOO hard and is constantly stressed about doing a good job at work, at home, as a father, as a husband, and at church. He has no down time. The man has a very hard time relaxing. He's such a good man and I take him for granted too often.

The other part that stood out to me was that Satan can't get to her by getting her to do Bad. So he gets to her by getting her to do MORE. This is so me! I'm not tempted to do evil things in my life. I'm not tempted by many of Satan's snares. But he gets to me in the area of "being/doing enough." I never feel like I'm doing enough or being a good enough mom or wife. So I convince myself I need to do MORE, MORE, MORE!

Brent and I talked about it afterward and agreed that our lives are too hectic right now and we feel like we're constantly in survival-mode. That's not a good place to be, especially not for such an extended period of time. But we both have no idea how to get out of it. We talked about what, if anything, we could eliminate from our lives to try to get to a better place. And we couldn't think of one thing. How sad is that?

Want to hear something even more sad? After our discussion about being in survival-mode, I realized something. When Brent calls me during the day to check on how I'm doing, I always respond with how much of my to-do list I've accomplished. If it's a good day, it's usually because I've gotten a lot of "stuff" done. If it's a bad day, it's usually because I haven't. So when he calls and asks me how I am, I respond the following way:

B: How are you today?

Me: Great! School and chores are done, beans are in the slow cooker for dinner, I got a couple of phone calls made, etc.

OR

B: How are you today?

Me: Ugh. It hasn't been a good day. Chores aren't done, school is only halfway done and the kids aren't cooperating with it all. I have no idea what we're doing for dinner because I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, so we don't have all the ingredients for the stuff we planned to make.

Neither of those responses are the answer to Brent's question. Why does my "to-do" list affect how my day is going? Why do I let it affect my mood so much? Why do I let it affect how I feel about myself? I was talking to my mom the other day telling her how I feel like such a failure because I'm inconsistent. I'm a woman, right? God made us inconsistent. Our hormones fluctuate more in one month than a man's seem to in a whole year. And they affect our moods and our psyche. I KNOW this, so why am I so hard on myself when I have "down" days? On my "good" days, I get so much accomplished. Life is good. And I think to myself, "See? I KNOW HOW to do this. I should be able to do it EVERYDAY!" And then a week later, I'm not feeling as energetic, I'm in a bit of a fog, and some days I just want to crawl back into bed until it's all over. Now don't get me wrong....I'm not in the depths of depression (I know because I've been there before), nor do I have Bipolar or anything like that. I'm a woman. These are the normal fluctuations of life for us. So why do I feel so bad about it?

(Did you know that some days I write down the simplest things on my to-do list just so that I feel like I accomplished something that day? Things like "get up" or "shower" or "get dressed" or "make lunch".....all these things I do anyway, but it makes me feel good to mark more things off on my list.)

Some days I want to throw out my to-do list and just let life take us where it may. It might even be fun for a few days. But it would soon deteriorate, I'm sure of it. I NEED structure in my life. My kids do better when we're structured as well. When they know what's expected of them each day, they have an easier time doing it. Plus, I have responsibilities that I can't just NOT do. I was given an extra dose of self-imposed-guilt in my gene pool. (As I'm sitting here typing this instead of paying attention to my children, a knot is growing in my stomach because I still need to do school and chores w/the kids and it's now lunchtime already.)

So I'm going to ask for your help. What have all of you done to slow down your lives? To live in and focus on each moment instead of on your to-do lists? How do you respond when your spouse asks you how your day is going? How do I get rid of the stupid guilt when a day doesn't go according to plan?

Buddy's Birth Story

I know it's been over 3 weeks since the baby was born. Life has been hectic and I think the babe may have reflux, so please forgive me.

I've decided to call the newbie "Buddy" here on the blog, since that's what the kids call him most of the time here at home. :)

I'm feeling rather sheepish now about my last post. It seems as though we were probably off by a few days on our dates. Buddy came out with quite a bit of vernix on him, and looking at him and at my placenta, it doesn't look like he was a post-date baby after all. So my impatience was without merit. See why I hate "due dates"? I'm very glad now that we didn't try any aggressive natural induction tactics and just let him choose his own birthday.

Brent and I went to bed at around 11:30 on Thursday, Sept. 22. Contractions started at midnight. This had happened a couple of nights before, though, and only lasted a little while before stopping. So I kind of figured that's what would happen again. I tried to sleep between them for a couple of hours, but that was a little difficult. So at around 2, I turned on some Hypnobabies scripts and tried to use those to relax enough to sleep. That didn't work. So I decided to get up and change positions and walk around for a bit to see if they'd go away. They didn't. They were coming every 4-5 minutes, but weren't very strong, though they had intensified somewhat since they started. At around 4:30, I went back into the bedroom and sat on the birth ball and breathed through a few contractions. This woke Brent up and he realized what was happening. He helped me through each contraction for a while and then we decided to call my midwife, Cathy, at around 5. We told her what was happening and that there was no rush. She said she'd be here in about an hour. I asked Brent for a Priesthood blessing before she got here. We had to do it standing up since I couldn't handle sitting down. We swayed through the blessing, lol. It was great!

I was feeling the contractions quite strong in my back, so I was worried that Buddy was posterior. I was having Brent push on my back to provide counter-pressure during each contraction. That was very helpful. Cathy got here at around 6 and I had her check me just to make sure things were moving along. I was 5 cm and 80% effaced and Buddy was at -1 station. She confirmed that he was slightly posterior, so we talked about different positions I could take during contractions that would help him move into the correct position. Cathy then realized she forgot to bring my chart and asked if we'd be ok with her running home and getting it. Neither of us felt like things were going to take-off in the short amount of time that she'd be gone, so we told her that was fine. At some point during this time, Brent texted my sister, Emily, so she could come. Cathy got back around 6:45 and the other midwife, Joanna, got here shortly after that. I decided it was time to get in the tub. And I got into our jetted tub instead of filling the birth pool since I really wanted the jets on my back. That was quite nice and helped relieve the pressure in my back.



Sometime between 7 and 8, all the kids woke up and got breakfast with the help of my sister and AJ. AJ was so excited when she woke up and came downstairs and saw Cathy. She came running into the bathroom to see me. I got a little teary seeing her. I was so glad that she was there to experience this with me again. After the other kids ate, AJ took them all across the street to our awesome neighbor. I'd already talked to her about watching them while I was in labor and she was more than happy to help. (I should note that I'd offered Roo and Tink the option of being here for the birth or not. I'd shown them quite a few birth videos, so they knew what was in store and they both said they'd rather go play. I guess labor is kind of boring until right at the end, lol. I'd also contemplated having Lady and June here as well, but decided a few weeks ago that I just couldn't handle the distraction.)

I was feeling like things were progressing, but they were progressing kind of slowly. I was ok with that, but I wanted Cathy to check me again just to see where things were. So a few minutes after 7, I got out of the tub and she checked me again. I was now 100% effaced, dilated 7 cm, but Buddy was still at a -1 station and still somewhat posterior. I was a bit frustrated by that and wondered why. I realized that's what I felt was missing. I could feel that he wasn't descending. I was sure that if his head would just drop, things would go quite quickly. So I decided to stay out of the tub for a bit and get in some different positions to see if I could get him to move down. I think I lasted through 3 contractions out of the water. One on the bed, and 2 walking around.

Holy cow! This is where I'm going to go off on a tangent and give a virtual bow to all the women (including my sister) who have ever had a natural, dry land birth. Those 3 contractions were SO intense! And I could hardly concentrate on my hypnosis at all. It sure didn't feel like it was helping at all during those contractions! I looked at Brent after the 3rd one and said, "I can't handle this! I've got to get back in the tub!" Then I turned to Emily and said, "I have no idea how you did this on dry land!" She laughed and reminded me of how "vocal" she was at the end of her labor. I said, "No wonder!" I should also note that Emily managed to do it in a semi-reclined position on the hospital bed. That was the worst position of all for me! I am seriously amazed by her strength!

So I got back in the tub, but decided to try to stay up on my knees instead of sitting down. I was hoping that that position would be more favorable for Buddy turning anterior. Things were so much less intense in the tub. It was awesome. And the jets were still helpful on my back. The contractions were still coming probably every 3-4 minutes and I could tell they were starting to get stronger, but they were getting stronger slowly. I was fine with that and decided that this labor would just take as long as it needed to (I wasn't going to try to hurry things along) and I was going to enjoy my time off between contractions. I listened to some more Hypnobabies scripts during this time.

Somewhere around 9 things started to intensify more and I was needing Brent to give me my hypnosis cues during every contraction. I got rid of the ipod and was just relying on Brent, which was great since my body responds so well to him. As things got more intense and the contractions got closer together, I realized we were getting close to the end, but still felt like Buddy wasn't as low as he should be. I started to get the urge to push and tried to do gentle pushes with each contraction (as gentle as I can manage, lol). Each time I pushed, I could feel Buddy's head come down, but as soon as I stopped, it popped right back up. I looked at Brent and said, "He's not coming!" Joanna asked if she could feel where he was and I said yes. She reached up to feel his head and said, "He's still got quite a ways to come." That was very discouraging, but I think I took it as a challenge. I pushed fairly hard with the next couple of contractions and then told Brent, "I can't do this." He said, "Yes you can!" And that was all I needed. I looked at him and said, "You're right. I can." I was starting to hyperventilate, which was making my hands go numb. So between contractions, Cathy had me put my hands over my nose/mouth to breathe. That helped a lot. And during one contraction, she got my attention and had me do deep breaths along with her. Then the next contraction that came was really intense and I decided to use it to get Buddy's head out. I pushed SOOO hard. I think I worried Brent a little because I pushed so hard and for quite a while with that contraction. But I just couldn't handle the intensity of it anymore! I needed him to come out!



My goal was to get his head out, but suddenly his entire body shot right out and into the water in front of me. I scooped him up and brought him to my chest, but Joanna said, "Oh, his cord." I looked down and sure enough, his cord was wrapped around him a couple of times. It was around his neck once, and over one shoulder and under the opposite arm another time. We just gently unraveled him and it was all fine. (This is where I could go off on another tangent about nuchal cords (cords wrapped around babies' necks) and how they're not really scary 99% of the time (1 in 3 babies born has the cord around its neck) and how it's actually a very safe place for the cord to be since it can't get pinched off, but just know that most of the time it's not nearly the "emergency" that most people think it is.)

Buddy started making some noises right away and then was very quiet for a minute. Then he let out one short, but loud cry and settled back down again. I lifted a leg to check gender and said, "Yay! He's got a penis!" Then I sat back in the tub and just held him and waited for the placenta to come out. Brent will want me to tell you his favorite part.....right after Buddy came out and I'd picked him up, I kept repeating, "Thank you for coming out." over and over. He thought that was pretty funny.





I think that the chiropractic visits definitely paid off since he came out in one grand push. I'm pretty sure it was just his cord holding him up in there. Speaking of his cord, it was crazy-long. (Did you know that boys' cords are generally longer than girls'?) And it looked like a telephone cord. It was coiled really tight. Very cool!



I did get 2 "skid marks," probably from his shoulders since they didn't have time to rotate. The midwives debated putting a stitch in one, but I said that if there was any question, I'd just rather let it heal on its own. I hate stitches.

After the placenta came out, I handed Buddy over to Brent and the midwives helped me get out of the tub and onto the bed. I nursed Buddy for a bit and then when he was content we did the newborn exam. I cut the cord again (I cut it with June as well). He quickly became discontent because he wasn't being held. He did not like being naked or examined! He weighed 7 lb 14 oz. My 2nd biggest baby! And he was 21" long. My midwife had the coolest thing for clamping off the umbilical cord. Instead of that big plastic clamp that gets in the way and makes a really hard, sharp stub when taken off, it was a rubber tourniquet thing. Just a very small rubber circle that is much more comfortable and unobtrusive. His cord fell off after just 1 week.

Do you see his beautiful WHOLE penis? I'm so glad it's staying that way!!! No needless surgery for this baby!
And you can kind of see the rubber tourniquet on his cord in this picture too.

The rest of the day is honestly kind of a blur. The midwives got things cleaned up, chatted with us for a while, and then left. Emily left sometime around lunch. The kids came home just before lunch. They were SOOOOO excited to meet their new brother. The neighbor that had watched them told me that Roo had asked about a million times that morning: "Do you think my mom has had the baby yet?" And, "Do you think it's a boy? I think it's a boy." I'm so happy he has a brother now! And you should see how darling he is holding him.


Brent made everybody lunch and then put June and Lady down for their naps. The big kids took care of themselves while Brent and I slept with Buddy for a while through the afternoon. Brent's parents brought us dinner that night. And we went to bed early.


I think I'll end with that and try to play catch-up for the last 3 1/2 weeks in the next post. I'm sure I'm forgetting some things I wanted to have written down in this post, but I'm fairly certain my brain matter has been replaced with oatmeal, so I'm having a hard time recalling a lot of things. ;)

Due Dates and Expectations

Just as a warning, this post is more for my benefit than anyone else's. It's kind of a brain-dump that I've been needing to get out.

Yes, this post should have been yesterday since that was my due date. But yesterday was not my best day. I had Brent take a picture of me last night to mark the first time I've ever made it to my due date. In the first picture he took, he captured my feelings without me realizing it. In the next picture, I have a fake smile on. Haha.

Too bad I'm not sharing the pics. They're still on the camera and I don't feel like dumping them onto the computer today. :P

I have had mixed emotions all week. I really am fine still being pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE getting to feel this little baby in my womb, moving around, and kicking me, and getting hiccups. I know I will miss this so much when the baby is in my arms instead of in my belly. So I'm trying hard to enjoy every minute. It's also sooooo much easier to take care of a baby inside of me than outside of me. I'm trying to get sleep, but that's hard because my back aches so much at night. I know this is just preparation, though, for being up nursing all night long. So it's ok.

I'm trying so hard to not be disappointed that this baby isn't here already. I have complete faith in this baby, in my body, and in the two of us to coordinate this child's birthday. I am a firm believer in letting the baby choose their birthday unless there are extenuating circumstances. And this is the irony.....I'm NOT a believer in "due dates." In fact, I haven't even told anybody the actual "due date" until recently because it's just an arbitrary date. But it's what this society goes by and it's really hard to buck the system. Really, it's more like a "due month," which is what I've been telling people when they ask. I just say, "I'm due the end of September." Which is true. It's the end of September. And truly, I could go into October and still have it be within my "due month." But I don't like to think about that because October seems far away.

I told Brent that I feel like I'm 2 people at the moment. I'm dealing with 2 sets of emotions. 1 side of me is totally calm and confident, knowing the baby will come when it's the right time. I like living in those emotions. It's peaceful there. But then this other side of me likes to take over once in a while and put doubts in my head. Because my body worked differently 5 times before, maybe my body isn't working this time. Maybe I'll never go into labor. Maybe something's "wrong" with me now. See why I don't like living in those emotions? It's just Satan trying to get me to feel down about myself and my body. Every single time I pray (which has been quite often lately), I get a calm reassurance that everything is fine. God knows me so well!

I keep going back and forth between these 2 sets of emotions. I'm trying really hard to stay mostly on the positive side, but it's difficult. The one thing that remains the same on either side of the coin is the anticipation. This is worse than being 5 years old again, waiting for Christmas! I am SOOO excited to meet this baby! I feel such a connection to him/her already. I have such an overwhelming love for him/her already. It amazes me sometimes. I told Brent that I could easily go another 2 weeks (or more)....IF I knew that's what the plan was. But not knowing the plan is really hard. I am a planner.....I like to know what's going to happen next and when exactly it's going to happen.

You should have seen me these last 2 weeks. My house was immaculate. I had the energy of the Energizer Bunny. Everything was cleaned up and picked up ALL THE TIME. That is a really hard thing to do in a house that's full of 6 people (5 of them being small people) all day long. Chores and schoolwork were done early everyday. Brent even thought I was going insane for a while. I think I freaked him out a bit. But the closer it got to my "due date" (you know, that stupid, arbitrary day), the more I started to let things go again. My need for things to be in order 24/7 was actually creating chaos.....clean, organized chaos, but chaos, just the same.

Now my house is pretty much back to normal. I still have enough of my mom's genes in me that it's a clean house. The kids are still keeping up on their chores and schoolwork, but maybe just not finishing as early as before. The house is still mostly picked up and organized, but it looks lived-in now. Whereas before, I could've put it up on the market and hosted showings, it was so sparkly at all times. I'm hoping this means that my psyche is calming down somewhat. I keep trying to stay centered and calm. I feel like I'm doing alright most of the time. Brent might disagree, because he hears it every time I need to vent.

This whole thing has been a gift, though. I've talked a lot to Brent about expectations. And how it's because of my expectations that I've had these times of feeling miserable. I expected this time to be the same as all the others (which really shows a lack of foresight on my part, given that this whole pregnancy has been so different). I expected my body to respond the same way it always has. And instead, I was left feeling disappointed in myself and my body as a result.....which, if you think about it, is just ludicrous. I have no reason to be disappointed. My body and my baby are working together JUST FINE.

In fact, there have been some wonderful differences in this pregnancy. For instance, my ankles are normal-size. I haven't had any swelling/water retention at all. My rings still fit on my fingers just fine. Last Sunday, I wore a knee-length skirt to church. I would have never been able to do that in past pregnancies. I remember complaining to Brent about it, asking "Who in the world wears skirts that show their chubby ankles when they're pregnant?" Haha! I'm finally one of those women, and my ankles aren't chubby! I haven't gained much weight this last trimester. I think I've only gained 1 or 2 lbs. (To be fair, I've gained a fine amount overall (33 lbs), it's just that most of it was gained in the first 2 trimesters). I've only started waddling recently. My belly isn't huge this time around (at least in my opinion). And this baby seems to still have plenty of room to do dances in there. I'm thinking s/he is actually on the small side and maybe that's why s/he needs to cook a little longer.

Ok, back to the bit about this all being a gift. This child has forced me to let go of expectations throughout this whole pregnancy. And s/he continues to do so. I'm wondering if this might be a theme during this child's life. But honestly, it's been a great spiritual experience too.....being able to "let go" and turn things over to nature and to God. I've realized I need to do the same thing w/my expectations about the labor and delivery. I fully believe that positive affirmations and positive thinking lead to positive outcomes. But I need to change my mindset, somewhat, about my positive "expectations" during the labor and delivery process. I can't have a certain timeline in my head because I might just be setting myself up for disappointment again. And so I'm trying to let go of some of my expectations about the birth as well right now. Because I really do trust that everything will play out just as it should. And it will be beautiful. And it will be much more enjoyable if I can just let it happen.

Like I said in the beginning, this post is mostly for me.....because I like to see all my thoughts written out. It helps my mind be more clear. So thank you for allowing the brain-dump. And we'll let you all know when this baby decides to join us on this side of the amniotic sac!

Confession Time

Apparently I totally jinxed myself w/my last blog post.

The first trimester of this pregnancy was totally different than my others and the 3rd trimester has proven to be different as well. The 2nd trimester was lovely, as I expressed in my last post. And I really do still love being pregnant. As I type this, this child is communicating with me by kicking my ribs and pushing his/her head into my bladder. This child likes to stretch out. And s/he gets hiccups every night.....just like Roo did. I love it!

BUT.....this 3rd trimester has been harder than my past pregnancies, as evidenced by my lack of blog posts and general communication with the outside world. I have been TIRED. There have been days when I've had energy reminiscent of past pregnancies, but they are fewer and farther between. And after I have one of those days, I tend to crash the next day. I've still weeded the yard a few times, but each time I've questioned whether or not I would survive with a baby on my back. I have NOT worn June while weeding this summer, lol. The kids have been great and very helpful. It's been extra stressful the last month or so trying to get into a good routine with school and chores, hoping that it will carry over well when the baby comes. I'm planning on taking a couple of weeks off of school, but I don't want to take too much time off because it makes it that much harder to get going again. We still did school all through the summer (at a much more leisurely pace than normal) in preparation for taking some time off. I guess we'll just see how things go and see how I feel.

I really want to have a good, solid babymoon this time around. I tend to recover quickly and want to "get back to normal" or at least "figure out the new normal" soon after the baby comes. This time I want to take it slower.....enjoy the short time we have with a newborn in the house (our babies grow WAY too fast). I want to give myself a while longer to recover. I want to lie around the house just bonding with and nursing my baby.

(Baby just got hiccups! (It's 11:30pm here) See? Every night! I love this child so much already!)

Another confession....I'm slightly nervous about the labor this time. I don't want it to last as long as last time (which wasn't even that long compared to a lot of women, I know.....but it was long for me). I'm hoping it won't last as long, because I learned a lot of things from June's birth.....things I want to do the same, and things that I definitely need to do differently. I didn't use Brent as much as I should have during June's pregnancy, to practice hypnosis. I relied too much on the Hypnobabies scripts. While I love them, and they're awesome, my body responds so much better to Brent's voice. It's amazing the level of relaxation I can achieve with his voice in comparison to listening to my scripts. So I've been practicing with him more again this pregnancy, like we did w/Lady's. I've enjoyed it thoroughly!

I've been taking more herbs this time, as well, to help my body be more prepared for labor. I'm also having less people here this time. While I appreciated my support people last time, I don't think it was good for me to have that many people here. It's kind of like the theory of "A watched pot never boils." Even though nobody did anything to make me feel like they were waiting around for me (everyone was very sweet), *I* felt like I was taking up everybody's day, wasting their time waiting for the baby to come out and that stressed me out and slowed down my labor. Some women NEED a lot of people there supporting them, other women NEED for there to not be anybody "extra." I think I'm one of the latter. It's interesting how one can have 5 children and still learn something new at each birth. I'm sure I'll learn new things about myself at this next birth!

Another thing I'm doing this time around is seeing a chiropractor. I LOVE her! When I first went in to her, my hips were fairly "off." If you're looking down through a pelvis, it's supposed to look round, you know? My right hip jutted out in front of my left, leaving the opening for the baby smaller than it should be. So we've been working on that and my hips are totally aligned now! I'm so happy! And while I've still had lower back pain (I think it's just the way this baby is sitting in my pelvis), the adjustments have helped tremendously with that. I've also wondered if this is one of the reasons June was a bit harder to push out than some of my other babies. It's possible that she had a more narrow canal to get through.

I'm kind of hoping to have another night-time labor. Most of my labors have been evening/middle-of-the-night. June was my first daytime labor/birth, and honestly, I think I like laboring at night better. It's much more calm and relaxed. I won't have to worry about the kids. And then the kids (all except AJ since she wants to watch the birth again) will just get to meet the baby when they wake up in the morning! I'm getting SO excited to meet this child. It's such an amazing, wonderful, heavenly, magical time! I don't know that there's anything I love more than cuddling a squishy newborn, fresh from Heaven.

One more confession that's a somewhat silly one. I'm really hoping this baby stays inside until next week or later. I don't want to have a 9/11 baby. Sunday is the 10th anniversary of the attacks and I don't want it to always be associated with this child's birthday. Is that totally selfish? There's no reason for me to think this baby is coming that soon, but you never know. So send some "stay in, Baby" vibes my way, please.

Here's a pic Brent took of me at 36 weeks. We'd just got home from church. Don't I look tired? LOL.

Pregnancy

(This is me last week at 26 weeks.)

I thought I'd update a little about my pregnancy, even though there's not much to tell. My pregnancies tend to be fairly uneventful, thankfully. This is going to be somewhat of a ramble filled with all the thoughts I've had swirling around in my head recently.

I've been feeling very grateful lately. In Relief Society last Sunday, the lesson was on learning to love ourselves so that we could better love others. The teacher had us write down 15 things we liked about ourselves. 5 that were physical aspects, 5 that were personality characteristics, and 5 that were spiritual strong points. A lot of the women were having a hard time coming up with more than 2 or 3 physical traits because they were thinking about things like "pretty eyes" or "nice legs," etc. And so I decided to show them how I'd thought outside the box with this one because I also got stumped for a minute. I raised my hand and told that I'd written down that I was a really good pregnant lady. This drew laughs, but I explained that it was something I felt was a gift. Pregnancy isn't really hard for me. I've been pregnant a total of 10 times now with 5 babies and one on the way to show for it. I don't (usually) get super sick the first trimester like many women (although this pregnancy was an exception, but I got through it). I have a really easy time getting pregnant, which I consider a HUGE blessing given all of my friends that struggle in this area. My heart aches for them.

My body stays strong throughout the pregnancies. In fact, I got teased by neighbors when I was pregnant with June for being 9 months pregnant, with Lady strapped to my back, out weeding the yard. I've had a love-hate relationship with my body for years because I've struggled with loving my body in spite of the fact that it's not at all what the media and our culture tells me it should be. At one point, my dad told me I was "Pioneer Stock." At first that statement angered me. I felt it an insult even though I knew he meant it as a compliment. I'm not ultra-feminine or dainty. And with his statement he pointed out that I wasn't the only one aware of this. But that isn't at all how he meant it. I now take that statement as a HUGE compliment. As I've grown in the gospel and in my testimony of my purpose here on earth, I've realized what a blessing it is to be "Pioneer Stock." I've grown to love my body for all of the hard things that it can do. I may not be the most shapely, feminine, or beautiful woman on earth, but my body is strong and capable and REALLY GOOD at being pregnant and giving birth. With each pregnancy, my gratitude and amazement have grown and I stand in awe of what my body can do. And for that, my body is beautiful to me, and, I believe, to my Heavenly Father. I am doing with my body what He wants me to do. I am fulfilling (at least part of) my calling here on earth by bringing these souls to earth and I'm helping to make and grow their own strong, beautiful, capable bodies. I feel Heavenly Father's love for me very strongly when I am pregnant. And I never feel more "womanly" than when I am pregnant. Even though my belly gets big much more quickly than it did in past pregnancies, I love my temporary "culturally accepted" roundness. I enjoy my new curves. :)

As far as the physical aspects of the pregnancy go, this one is going along just great. I'm in the middle of the "fun" part of the pregnancy now -- the 2nd trimester. I'm past the constant nausea and I'm not quite to the sleepless, have-to-pee-every-5-minutes, no-comfortable-position-to-sleep-in nights. I'm feeling the baby kick and squirm all the time and that is probably my most favorite part of being pregnant. I love when the baby gets the hiccups and my belly bounces. I love letting the kids feel the baby kick or roll under their hands on my belly. The kids are getting SOOO excited! And lately I've been realizing I probably need to let them all watch some birth videos with me in preparation for the birth. Especially Lady, since she keeps asking me when the baby is going to "pop out." I only wish it were that easy. :)

Having older kids that understand what is going on has been one of the best parts of being pregnant again. It's so fun to watch it through their eyes. They love to come rub my belly everyday and tell me how it's getting bigger and so that means our baby is growing strong. They pray for the baby everyday. They talk about the baby all the time. And we've pretty much settled on a boy's and a girl's name, which is unusual for me and Brent. We usually just have a "top 5" list leading up to the birth. This time we definitely have front-runners for each gender, although we do have back-ups in case the baby looks nothing like what we've chosen.

I've been listening to my Hypnobabies scripts more diligently lately. Although I need to figure out how to use my ipod correctly, apparently, since I was rudely awoken by Michael Jackson singing to me in the middle of the night last night and my ipod got flung across the room. I love my Hypnobabies time. The meditation and calm it brings into my life are a definite blessing during my normally chaotic days. It's a chance for me to relax and focus solely on my body and my baby. It helps me connect with my baby like nothing else. And like this baby's older siblings, as soon as I allow my body to relax and unwind, s/he wakes up and is ready to party and greet me with a few hard kicks. It's awesome!

My midwife, Cathy, is coming for another regular check-up tomorrow. I can't wait! I love listening to the baby's heartbeat and talking with Cathy about my awesome kids and how I can't wait to meet this new little one!

Ahhhhh. I really do love being pregnant!!!

Memories-- Youtube Style

I was driving in the car today and heard this song. And I was immediately transported back to my childhood. This song will forever be the "Larry Bird song" to me. Watching the Sports Illustrated NBA Superstars video over and over and over again with (and sometimes without) my older brothers. I was pondering my experience as a young girl being exposed to all of the sports hoopla via these same brothers and I realized how different my kids' childhoods are going to be. Roo isn't a huge sports nut (at least not yet). He'd rather do Tae Kwon Do or play in the mud or build something (usually Legos) with his hands. That may still change, so maybe my little girls will get a little exposure. It probably won't come from themselves. I don't have any sports-enthusiast girls yet. Who knows? Maybe even that will change.

Anyway, this song got me thinking and wondering which fun things we're doing now will be the stuff my kids look back on and remember with a smile.

I remember sitting in our family room with my brother, Matt, and all his friends watching this video, trying desperately to get his good friend, Mike, to notice me. I was too young to realize that a 17 year old would NOT have eyes for a 10 year old. But oh, how I tried!!!

The songs were great. Of course there's the "Larry Bird song." My favorite.

http://youtu.be/1FBuWLSM6Rk

And "The Warrior" will always be Charles Barkley.

http://youtu.be/ospDD4fXeYE

Magic Johnson will always be "Control."

http://youtu.be/XcDDHwP8XCE

And I have to admit (although I hate to) that I vividly remember Michael Jordan's video clip as well. Although luckily this song now conjures up just as many memories of "Top Gun" as it does of MJ. Thank you, Tom Cruise.

http://youtu.be/5RZarvayu_o

There were many more players on that video (Isaiah Thomas, Julius Erving, Dominique Wilkins, and I'm sure some others that I'm missing). But these above were the ones that stand out (and probably always will) in my brain.

I don't have the best memory. Usually if I'm trying to remember something from my childhood, I call my sister to tell me whatever it is I'm trying to remember. She has a memory of steel. So it's good to know there are still some things that I can bring to the front of my mind like it was yesterday. Siblings, this post is for you. :)

And apparently I'm completely inept at embedding, so if I ever get that worked out, it'll be great. Otherwise, you'll have to click the links. Sorry.

What I Believe About Food (Post Edit at Bottom)

I have put off writing these posts for over a year now, because I wanted to wait until we "had it down" and were doing everything right. I've recently realized that may never happen. I still have goals, but I also know Brent and myself and we have always had ups and downs and we probably always will. This will most likely be our life-long struggle.

This is going to be a tricky post to write. Let me start by saying: PLEASE don't get offended by what I might say here. These are my feelings and opinions and beliefs about things that I have learned over the past few years of reading about what true health really is. (And no, I don't think that my family and I are living it (yet).) I know it's hard and I think everybody has their own issues with food. I would just like to pass on what I've learned about food. If you believe differently, that's just fine.

*Standing up: "Hello, my name is Ann and I am a foodaholic."
One of the (many) reasons Brent and I get along so well is that we both LOVE food. No, really. I know a lot of people say that. We really mean it. We love to try new things, we love our taste buds being challenged with new flavor, we love to tweak recipes to make them even better. Brent loves to cook too. While I don't love to cook, I sure love to eat. And I always enjoy the finished product, even if the production of it isn't top on my list of things I enjoy.

About 7 years ago, we came to the realization that our love affair with food had gotten us in trouble. Brent weighed 290 and I topped out at just over 200. Most people know Brent and I have always struggled with our weight. We still do. Neither of us hit the gene pool jackpot in the category of metabolism. Add that to our obsession with tasty treats and you've got a recipe (ha! pun!) for fat.

There's no other way to put it. We were fat. So we decided it was time to do something about it. We started going to Weight Watchers. We learned a lot there and together we were able to lose a whole person: 135 lbs! I got down to my pre-marriage weight and Brent got thinner than anyone had ever seen him before. Really. This started our path toward being healthier. You'd think that was it, right?

Wrong.

While Weight Watchers was a great catalyst in helping us start learning more about health, it isn't the be-all, end-all of healthy eating. They're all about calorie-input vs. calorie-output, which is great. Obviously if you're eating more than you're burning off, you're going to gain weight (and we did). But after a few months we started to feel like there was more that we wanted to do. More than just buying 45 calorie/slice bread and 100 calorie/pack Oreos. We wanted to be healthier, not just skinnier.

We came out to UT for a family reunion the next summer and had some long talks with Brent's brother and his wife. You see, they'd recently gone vegetarian. We were curious. We had all the same questions I've been asked over and over.

"So what do you eat?"
"How do you get enough protein?"
"So what do you eat?"
"What about your kids?"
"So what do you eat?"
And lastly, "Why?"

The last question turned out to be the most important, and the focus of this blog post. I'll get to the other questions in later posts.

V & P started talking about the Word of Wisdom and we immediately started rolling our eyes. But then P challenged us to read it and pray about what it meant for us. I'd never even considered praying about the WoW. So Brent and I took her challenge. And the first time we read through it, it was like I was reading it for the first time. I knew, even before praying, what it meant for us. And then I prayed and it was confirmed. We were going veggie.

I would challenge anybody who just rolled their eyes at my last paragraph to go to Section 89 in the Doctrine & Covenants and read it again. But before you read, pray. And then read with an open mind. It might surprise you to find a few verses that are usually left out during Sunday School lessons.

We obviously all know the "Do Nots" of the Word of Wisdom. They are ingrained in our little brains from the time we're in nursery. But not much is said about the "Do's." I have an opinion about this. (SURPRISE!!!) I think that the "Do Nots" were more important for the early saints of the church. Because they weren't aware of the negative affects of tobacco or coffee or black tea. (This is true up until probably 50-60 years ago.) They were probably aware of the affects of alcohol, but it was a good reminder to stay away from it because of its addictive nature. In today's world, Mormons and non-Mormons alike know about these things having a negative impact on our bodies. And while there are still those that need reminders or new members who need to get rid of addictions, for the most part, this isn't the part of the Word of Wisdom that most members struggle with.

And in contrast, the "Do's" part of the Word of Wisdom isn't something that the early saints seemed to struggle with. They ate whole grains and fruits and vegetables in the seasons thereof. They used their bodies (exercise). They really didn't need these reminders nearly as much as the saints of today. The "Do's" are what we SHOULD be studying and talking about in Sunday School. And yet it's usually the part that gets skipped over. Why is that? Is it because people are uncomfortable talking about it? Or is it because so many members are barely even aware that the Word of Wisdom contains these things?

The "Do Nots" have been repeated thousands of times in lessons by the time we're adults. I think most people think that's all there is to the Word of Wisdom. But if you look closely, it's SOOOOOO much more than that. It's the ultimate "diet" guide....the ultimate "healthy lifestyle" guide. No other book (and believe me, I've read many) is nearly as complete at giving you a full picture of how to take care of your bodies, especially in so few words. :)

Let's start at the beginning.

1 A Word of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—

2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—

This was originally given as a guideline, but later, Wilford Woodruff made it a commandment. Key words here: this is for the "temporal salvation of all saints in the last days."

3 Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.

Some people like to argue that they shouldn't be held to the same standards because they "won't get addicted" to the harmful substances God warns about, but this verse makes it clear. These guidelines were set in place "adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints."

And the truth of the matter is, we all have our areas of weakness when it comes to the Word of Wisdom.

4 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation—

I LOVE this verse. Heavenly Father knew that our diets would deteriorate so incredibly, and knew that there would be conspiring men with evil in their hearts at the center of the food industry (and the tobacco industry, but my focus here is on food).

Verses 5-9 are about the "Do Nots." And since we pretty much have all of those memorized, let's move on to verses 10 and 11.

10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

11 Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.

To me, this talks not just about herbs being used as food, but also as medicine.

Now on to the "controversial" part:

12 Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;

This is where most Sunday School lessons stop. They don't like to go on to the next verse because it makes people uncomfortable. And if they stop here, they can say, "Everybody can define "sparingly" for themselves." But the truth of the matter is, Heavenly Father defined "sparingly" for us in the next verse:

13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.

"It is pleasing unto me that they should NOT be used" and then He goes on to tell us the times it is ok to use them (sparingly).

That is the verse that registered with me when we first read it 7 years ago. And have we followed it perfectly ever since? Heavens no. But we are always trying and the "meat thing" really isn't something we struggle with often.

But wait! There's more! God then goes on to tell us about grain.

14 All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;

So grain is for us AND for all the animals. And what about those animals? He reminds us yet again:

15 And these hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.

At this point, people like to point out this scripture:

D&C 49:18
And whoso forbiddeth to abstain from meats, that man should not eat the same, is not ordained of God;

But the thing is, God is not forbidding anyone from eating meat (and neither am I). He's telling us EXACTLY the times when "it is pleasing unto Him" that we use them. (In times of winter, cold, or famine.) That is not the same as forbidding or abstaining completely.

Let's move on.

16 All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

17 Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain.

All grain and fruit and vegetables are "good for the food of man."

And He cares so much about the animals that He tells us what grain is good for each of them. Does this sound like a God who would approve of the current meat and dairy industry?

(For anyone who doesn't understand the current state of the meat and dairy industry or who thinks that there are not "evil men conspiring against us," watch any of these documentaries. And there are more to be found if you so desire.)

And now comes one of my favorite parts that is also often skipped over during Sunday School. The promises that Heavenly Father makes to us if we follow His Word of Wisdom.

18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;

19And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;

20And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.

21And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen.


So not only are we promised that we will have "health in our navel and marrow in our bones," (our physical bodies will be healthy), we are also promised blessings of an intellectual nature. We will have "wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures." I italicized the part that I have found to be true already in my own life. The frustrating thing is, that in today's world, the truth about health and food is HIDDEN TREASURE. Most people really are fooled into believing that unhealthy food is healthy. They are fooled by "conspiring men." I believe this without a shadow of a doubt.

Verse 20 has come true in my life and in Brent's. The healthier we eat, the more energy we have. And then we are better able to exercise regularly, which in turn makes us even healthier!

And verse 21 is a beautiful ending. But I ask you to think about it a little deeper. What "destroying angels" do we face today? What is killing off people right and left? I'll tell you the top 3 killers in America today:

1. Heart Disease
2. Type 2 Diabetes
3. Cancer

(Can't remember if that's the right order or not.)

These are the "destroying angels" of today.

These 3 things are ALL preventable.

They are ALL "diseases of affluence," meaning they're only found at such high rates in countries where gluttony reigns supreme....where food is found in abundance, and where it is taken through process after process before ending up on our plates in nowhere near the condition in which it started. FOOD is the #1, #2, and #3 cause of death in America. How sad is that? Especially when we have food in such abundance, we can easily choose fruits, veggies, and grains "in the season thereof" nearly year-round. (Although is it best to find food grown as locally and "in season" as possible, there is no denying we are extremely spoiled in the options available to us.)

Food is not only fuel, it is medicine. Just like food can CAUSE all of these diseases, it can also PREVENT them. THIS is what Heavenly Father is trying to teach us by giving us the Word of Wisdom. He's not only telling us what NOT to eat (in fact, it really only mentions meat in that category, besides coffee/tea/alcohol), He's telling us exactly what TO eat to make our bodies as healthy as possible. I am so thankful that Brent and I gained a testimony of the Word of Wisdom when we did. I was really worried about being left a widow at a young age because of Brent's health. It happens to people every day.

And while we still struggle with always choosing to put GOOD food into our mouths, we are 10 million times better than we were 7 years ago. And we have continuous goals to keep improving and keep improving. In future posts, I will talk about what changes we've made and tell you all about the "hidden treasures of knowledge" that Brent and I have learned along the way. But I wanted to start with this post, because at the end of the day, this is what it comes down to and the reasoning behind WHY we eat the way we do.


POST EDIT:
I forgot one of my most important points!!! If you'll notice, NOWHERE in the WoW does it say, "Moderation in all things." It's a Mormon Myth that that phrase is part of the Word of Wisdom and it comes up in nearly every Sunday School lesson about the WoW. In fact, that phrase is not found ANYWHERE in the scriptures. Nor has it been spoken over the pulpit. We mentioned this in Sunday School once, and a lady in our ward went searching through the church's archives looking for the source of this myth. She found it a total of 2 times. Once it was said by a member of the 70 in a different context. And once it was said by Pres. Joseph F. Smith. Except that he added a word. He said, "Moderation in all GOOD things." I like that because people like to use this phrase as an excuse to eat crap. Because they're "eating it in moderation." That is not at all the intent behind Pres. Smith's statement.

And you know, if you think about it, we are NOT a church of "moderation." In fact, most people consider us quite extreme. In the scriptures, it DOES say, "Feast upon the words of Christ." not just read the scriptures every once in a while. It says, "Pray always." not just pray whenever we have a need arise. We are a peculiar people in that we are expected to -and tend to- live our religion full-time, not just when it's convenient, or "for show."