It's True

Yesterday my friend, Cheryl, nudged me into full disclosure by announcing my pregnancy for me on her blog. :)

At first I was frustrated, because up until now we'd pretty much only told family. So I started to question why I was frustrated. It seemed so silly. In past pregnancies, the whole world knew by the time I was this far along (I'm around 13 weeks). This time around, I've felt extra secretive about it and wanted to keep it private for a while. For the first few weeks, just me, Brent, and my sister knew about it. Then I told my parents, and then just a couple of weeks ago, we told Brent's parents and the rest of our families. So yesterday, I went inside my head to try to figure out why I was so hesitant for people to know. And I realized the answer. It started with my mother's reaction. She's a good mother. She worries and worries and worries about all of us, even when there's nothing to worry about. And that was her initial reaction to our news. It wasn't "Yay! I'm so excited! Congratulations!" It was, "How are you going to handle this? How are you going to keep up? Maybe you should send your kids to school!" (As if that would suddenly rid my life of stress.) And the thing is, it's not like I'm currently struggling with "keeping up." Life is busy and crazy, and I have good days and bad days, just like everybody else. But I'm handling my current situation pretty well, if I do say so myself. Then Brent told a couple of guys at work because I'd made him come home early a couple of times to take care of me when I was especially sick. One or two wanted to know if we were trying to compete with his brother (who works at the same place and has 8 kids) and another guy's reaction was, "You know, there are ways to prevent that." Hardy-har-har. Like that's the funniest thing we've ever heard. --insert eye rolling--

After adding all of this up in my head, I realized why I was being so protective of my exciting news. The thing is, I am excited about having another baby. Brent and the kids are excited about having another baby (The kids are over the moon!!! They have been so cute!) The problem is, besides family and close friends, we aren't probably going to get many "Congratulations!" this time around. Initial reactions will be one of three things:
1. the person will react with surprise and be incredulous as to why we would do this again.
2. the person will react with zero surprise or excitement because this is our 6th baby, so this is old hat, right?
3. the person will react similarly to that of Brent's co-worker and try to come up with something clever (but it'll really be stupid) to say and think they are hilarious and expect us to laugh at their wit.

How do I know this? The same thing happened with #5. It seems that going past the #4 these days (yes, even inside the Mormon bubble) is looked at with questioning and even sometimes scorn. When I announced my pregnancy with #s 1, 2, 3 and even 4, I got mostly "Congratulations!" and excitement from people. With #5, the scale started tipping in the other direction. I got more of the 3 reactions above than I did genuine happiness or excitement. And I think my subconscious has been trying to save me from that disappointment this time around.

I was discussing this with my sister last night, letting her in on my epiphany and she said, "Why do you care what "they" think?" And that struck me, because really, most of the time I really don't care what other people think. We're quite used to people having opposing views and questioning the way we do things. I should be able to handle this, right? And the thing is, if it were just about me, or Brent, or our lifestyle, I could handle it. I handle stuff like that all the time without it getting to me. BUT this is not just about me. There is another life involved here and it's this life that people are calling into question, and dismissing as "old hat," and making jokes about. And the MamaBear in me is insanely protective. I don't claim to know when the spirit enters a body. I actually think it's different for every new baby. But I believe that the spirit of this child is here with our family and with me a lot of the time. I believe this spirit is aware of the feelings surrounding this pregnancy. And it's my maternal instinct to protect this little spirit so that s/he only knows love and joy and happiness in regards to his/her entrance into this mortal world. So while my subconscious is protecting me, *I* am protecting my baby. But it makes me sad that I feel such a need already.

Shouldn't EVERY baby be celebrated? Isn't every new life worthy of happiness and joy?

It was great last night to have this introspection and to really delve into my feelings, but in the end, I realized I just need to get over it and not let others' reactions have an effect on me and that hopefully, by staying positive and excited myself, I can protect my baby from those who don't share in my joy.

So this is me getting over it!!! :) :) :)

Without further ado, I'd like to announce that Baby #6 will be joining our family sometime around the end of September!!! Brent and I are ecstatic and like I said before, the kids are going bonkers already, counting down the days!

Now to answer some common questions:

- Yes, this was on purpose. We have never had a "surprise."

- No, we don't care if it's a boy or a girl. In fact, we're not going to find out during our ultrasound at 20 weeks. This will be the first time for us not finding out. We're really excited to try it this way!

- No, the kids really don't care whether it's a boy or a girl (including Roo). They go back and forth on which gender they think they want.

- Yes, we will be having another home-waterbirth.

- Yes, with the same midwife. I love Cathy!!!

- This pregnancy has been entirely different from ALL the others so far. I got slightly sick with Roo-- I had "afternoon" sickness (nausea) with him for a few weeks. With this one, I've had weeks of nausea, followed by none at all, followed by more weeks of nausea. And it's been ALL DAY nausea. I've got an idea about why some women don't want to do this as often as I have. ;) I don't know that I'd have as many, as close together, if all my pregnancies had been like this. I have definitely been very blessed in the pregnancy department. Other than the nausea, I've felt great. The only complaint I have is that my belly is poking out already. I've NEVER started to show this early before. My sister thinks it's because I'm having twins, lol. I think it's just because this is my 6th baby and my body isn't even trying to keep up appearances anymore!

- Yes, I'm still nursing June. I nursed Lady through the first half of June's pregnancy. Lady gave it up when my milk dried up. My milk hasn't dried up completely yet this time, although I don't have nearly the same quantity I used to, but June is responding the opposite way Lady did. She's wanting to nurse MORE often. I'm starting to feel "done" with it all, but obviously June isn't, and I don't want to wean her if she's not ready. So I'll keep going until either she gives up or until I just can't handle it anymore. And who knows if either of those things with happen? Maybe I'll end up tandem nursing June and the noob. Guess we'll see.

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When I was on my computer last night, I stumbled across an online poll. It was asking what you wanted to be when you were little, whether or not you'd become that when you grew up, and if not, what you had become instead, and was it a good turnout or not?

As I reflected back on my childhood, I once again came to the realization (I've had this realization many times over the years) that I have become what I set out to become. My entire childhood, the FIRST thing I wanted to be was a mother. Then, of course, there were other things along the way that came in second place.....I wanted to be a veterinarian, a teacher, a pianist, a singer, etc. I haven't become any of those other things (well, except a teacher, but EVERY mother is a teacher), and it doesn't matter at all. My lifelong goal was to become a mother. It's the one goal that never changed over the years. (That, and to marry an awesome guy. And so far, he's exceeded any expectations I could've come up with.) And I realize I'm living my dream. This life is what I wanted when I was a little girl looking toward my future. I couldn't ask for anything more. Really. I love my life! I love being a mother and I'm so happy to be having another unique, wonderful, amazing spirit join our family! Won't you join in our happiness and celebration?!?!