Note to Self

When running downstairs to the distressed cry from AJ that Lady has peed (and not in the intended receptacle), stop at the bottom stair before taking a step onto the tile. Or you may quickly find yourself on your back with a wrenched shoulder, soaking up a puddle of pee.

......And so begins day 3.

So it begins......

Yesterday was the first day of teaching Lady all about the benefits of the potty. After 2 days of nakedness from the waist down, this little girl is starting to grasp the concept. She's successfully done #1 and #2 a few times now and is quite proud of herself after the fact! Jen, your post couldn't have come at a better time. Along with the candy reward (one Smartie for #1 and a Hershey's Nugget for #2), she has been MOST excited about the potty-dance afterward. She demands we dance and twirl after each successful trip to the bathroom. I don't think I could sell my potty-song to a record label or anything, but she seems to think it's great!

If you notice her red bum, THAT is the reason I finally got fed up enough to start potty training. This child's skin is so sensitive, she breaks out ALL.THE.TIME. It's better in cloth diapers, but it even happens in those. Poor thing. She just needs breathable, cotton panties and her bum will thank me. She probably won't get those for another couple of days, though. That will be another sweet reward once I know she's got it down pat.

I can't believe I'm almost to only 1 in diapers again. What a glorious thing!

Changing Things Up.....Again

Since I haven't posted in a month and a half......

.....and since I have so many "fun" posts I want to do.....

.....and since the "serious" posts are stressing me out so much because it's incredibly hard to stay true to myself and my opinions and beliefs while also trying to word things in a way that won't completely offend the masses.....

.....and since I've had quite a few requests to "do some regular posts too"......

......I'm going to continue to do my "serious: this-is-why-we-do-what-we-do" posts, but I will sprinkle them between the fun-loving, "this-is-what's-going-on-in-our-lives" posts.

And please know that with the more serious posts, it is never my intention to offend. But I will be extremely surprised if we get through all of them without some people taking offense. Unfortunately I can't always help how others take the things I write. That's what's hard about the written word. It's sometimes extremely hard to interpret tone-of-voice. And sometimes my opinions are offensive to those who believe differently or those who have never questioned why they do the things they do.

Anyway, on to fun and lively posts with a dash of thoughtful, no-nonsense posts mixed in! (All of the "serious" posts will be labeled "different" for quick reference.)

Hypnobirthing and Homebirth Part II

I wanted to talk just a little bit more about hypnosis during childbirth and natural birth before I go into homebirth.

My friend, Misty, that I mentioned in the last post reminded me that using hypnosis is a good option for people even if they're planning to get an epidural or even for women having c-sections. It's a great way to help yourself feel joyful and excited about the experience rather than fear or even nervous anticipation. Our society is so backwards sometimes, it amazes me. Why on earth do we fear childbirth? It's something that's an everyday, natural occurrence and yet we get so hung up over it. It should be the most exciting time of the pregnancy...not the dreaded part.

There are so many benefits to natural childbirth. For one thing, if a mother is able to labor the way her body tells her to, it helps the labor progress on its own, without the need for pitocin (which has got to be the most over-used drug today). Every woman is different and has different needs. To put every laboring woman in bed and expect her labor to progress well is, well....pretty stupid. There are some women who labor well laying down on their side, but usually only for a short while. And I've never heard of any woman who was comfortable laboring on their back in bed. And yet what do they have you do the moment you walk into the hospital?

I have one friend who needed to walk through her contractions. Another friend needed to rock back and forth, standing up. Another loved rocking back and forth on her hands and knees. I loved laboring in the water. I was able to do whatever felt right to my body at the moment. I climbed stairs, I lay down on the bed on my side for 30 minutes and took a nap, I went for a walk down by the river with Brent and AJ, I sat in the jetted tub and the birthing tub, I was able to go to the bathroom anytime I needed to (no catheter)....ALL of this was done while in hypnosis. I was completely comfortable because I was able to do what my body wanted and needed to do.

Here is a blog post from Misty about her last birth. There is a video of her having a contraction. Notice how calm and relaxed she is. Notice her smiling and laughing. This is what labor SHOULD be like.

So why have a natural birth when "God gave us the gift of epidurals"? (Yes, I've heard those words numerous times now.)

Natural births have far less cesarian rates than medical births.

Babies born without medication are more alert and have an easier time nursing and bonding with Mom.

When there's no epidural, pushing time is lessened since Mom can actually feel what she's doing.

Without medication, a mother can feel where she's laboring most. If it's in her back, that's the first clue that her baby is posterior (face-up) and she can get into positions and do exercises to help the baby turn.

Recovery time is faster and easier without medication.

Endorphins secreted during a natural childbirth have been found in the placenta and umbilical cord. This may serve a purpose to help the baby adjust to life outside as well as make the journey more comfortable for baby.

Once a mother gets an epidural, there are sacrifices made. It requires more intervention than just the epidural itself. She then needs IV fluids and she's restricted to the bed which increases her need for pitocin. And once she has pitocin, she needs constant fetal-monitoring, restricting movement even more.

Epidurals also increase a mother's need for instruments to be used like vacuum extractors or forceps since pushing is inhibited.

Having an epidural means that the laboring woman is lying on her back (or somewhere between her back and her side) for the duration of the labor. This is the WORST position possible to get baby to descend. And also pretty much the WORST position possible to push the baby out. (The only one I can think of that might be worse is a woman standing on her head.) Lying on one's back causes the birth canal to close by up to 30%! No wonder so many babies get stuck these day.

(Horrible position for pushing)

One of the biggest reasons to have a natural birth, for me anyway, is the lower rate of cesarian sections. Every intervention used brings a mother one step closer to having a c-section. It starts with inductions. I could go on and on about inductions. I think it's ridiculous that they've become the "norm" these days. And one of the problems is they're getting earlier and earlier. It used to be that inductions weren't done until AT LEAST 41 weeks if the mother was still healthy and everything was still going well. Now more and more mothers are being induced by 38-39 weeks. Studies have shown that even these last extra days can be vitally important for the infant to remain in-utero. But women like to plan. And doctors seem ever-so-willing to help them plan because it gives them one less patient that might need to be seen "after hours." For me, this borders on malpractice. But it's so commonly practiced these days that it is rarely seen as such.

There are medical reasons for induction, but they are truly few and far between. A doctor seems to freak out if a patient's blood pressure goes up by 2 points. I believe that it's partly because of selfish doctors who want to schedule as many births as they can, and partly because this country is so sue-happy that doctors will do most anything to cover their butts. If it looks like they're "saving" the mother or baby, then the mother is less likely to sue if something goes wrong.
Doctor: "It could be dangerous to let you go much longer with your blood pressure going up by 2 points. We should induce you."
Mother: "Oh, thank you, Doctor! I don't want to endanger myself or my child."

When in reality, inductions are quite dangerous in and of themselves. It's been shown that between 50%-75% of women who are induced will end up with a cesarian section. I strongly believe that it's best to let the baby decide his or her birthday.

Once induction is started, it so easily leads to other interventions and it becomes a snowball effect. Pitocin is a powerful drug. It causes contractions MUCH stronger than a woman's body normally produces. So women almost always end up with an epidural. Then they get the IV, and the continual fetal monitoring (which, by the way, hasn't been shown to add any benefit or raise the survival rates of infants), and the catheter, and they're pretty much chained to the hospital bed. (Again, NOT the best place to labor.) Being induced also means that the woman is in the hospital for her entire labor, meaning she can't eat or drink for however long her labor lasts. (This has got to be one of the stupidest rules ever concocted. A woman in labor NEEDS nourishment and fluids to give her the energy to get that baby out. There's also no medical reason to restrict it. They say it's so that if a woman ends up needing a c-section, she won't have any food in her belly to aspirate if she's unconscious. Guess what....this scenario has never happened. Another example of covering rear ends.)

Once a woman has been started on pitocin, it's as though someone sets a timer and if she hasn't progressed this far by this time, up the pitocin. WHY? Why do all labors need to be over in a set amount of time? All women labor differently and have different lengths of labor-time. It's NORMAL! But if, heaven forbid, a woman is in labor for longer than about 8-12 hours, it somehow becomes an emergency and they need to GET THAT BABY OUT as if something bad will happen if a woman labors for longer than that. My sister-in-law gave birth in April. She labored (naturally) for 30 hours! That's actually pretty normal for a lot of women. And guess what, her baby came out healthy and happy. No cause for alarm.

One reason for the rush could be that pitocin is notoriously bad for the baby. It causes contractions so strong that the baby goes into distress. This then leads to the doctor playing the "dead baby card." (ie: "If we don't get that baby out now, it could die.") Every good mother is then going to do whatever the doctor says because no one wants to risk a child dying. But in reality, it was the doctor who put the baby into this situation. I don't know how many times I've heard, "I could've never had a homebirth. My baby almost died. I had to have an emergency c-section." This always makes me sad. Mostly because a lot of times it could've been prevented.

(C-section = Surgery)

Don't get me wrong, there are definitely times when a c-section is needed and it's a huge blessing that it's an option these days. But the c-section rates in this country have sky-rocketed. People see it as a normal, everyday thing. But it's SURGERY! Surgery is a serious thing! The c-section rate is currently around 30%. That means that 1 in 3 women can't deliver their own babies. Has something happened to the modern-woman's body that she's now somehow unable to birth the babies she creates? I seriously doubt it. But modern medicine would have us believe such. They'd have us believe that they're "saving" all of these babies, when in reality the current medical establishment is the driving force behind putting these babies and mothers in a position to need a c-section in the first place.

Another horrible trend is repeat c-sections. It has come to be accepted as truth (because so many doctors push it) that once you have a c-section, it's safest to continue having c-sections thereafter. This is false. It is thought that having a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) raises the odds of a woman's uterus rupturing. It does, in fact, raise the odds, but not by the amount doctors would have you believe. And statistics show that maternal death rates are higher when VBAC rates are lower (which is the current trend). So really, repeat c-sections are what's killing mothers, not VBACs.

Again, doctors come into play with all of the covering-of-their-butts that they have to do. There are even doctors who refuse to accept patients who wish to have a VBAC. I have to wonder what the reasoning is behind this. Since statistics show that VBACs are safe, why continue to push c-sections? Could it possibly be for the money? Could this also possibly be why the c-section rate is so high? C-sections cost a heck of a lot more than vaginal births. And they take up a LOT less of the doctors' time. Sounds like a win-win for the doctors to me.

The risks of having a VBAC are that the mother's uterus could rupture, putting the mother and baby at risk of death. There is less than 1% risk of something serious happening during a VBAC. What doctors usually don't tell their patients is that there are risks to repeat c-sections also. These risks include:
-thinning of the uterus
-possible uterine rupture prior to labor
-scarring
-pain
-potential risk of increased blood loss
-damage to the bladder
-bowel obstruction
-placenta growing into the uterine wall, causing the need for a possible hysterectomy at the time of the c-section

If you've had a cesarian section and are interested in having a VBAC in the future, this is a great website to check out.

I guess my biggest frustration with childbirth today is that it has been taken out of the hands of the mothers. Women no longer "own" their pregnancies and births. We've just handed it over the the medical community and really bad things have come out of it. The horror stories are real. And unfortunately, they're expected. What would happen if women reclaimed their right and responsibility to take charge of their pregnancies and births? What if all women were educated about normal pregnancy and childbirth? What if women helped each other and supported each other instead of propagating the fear and horror stories?

I think we'd see a huge decrease in maternal and infant morbidity and mortality.

More to come about homebirth in Part III.

Hypnobirthing and Homebirth Part I

I was first introduced to hypnobirthing by my friend, Misty, when we were living in Michigan. She'd just had her 3rd (I think?) baby using hypnosis and raved about it. She told us she was in control and that the contractions didn't hurt. At the time I remember thinking, "No way!" I mean, she HAD to be lying, right? My whole life, every woman I know told me how awful childbirth is and how labor is the bane of women's existence. AND I'd already felt it twice and it HURT, gosh darn it!!!

Somewhere deep inside of me, though, I knew there had to be a better way. I'm not one of those who believes that this is Eve's curse that was passed on to all women. I don't believe God wants childbirth to be one of the worst experiences of our lives up until the baby pops out. I believe it's meant to be serene and joyful and filled with good feelings.

Unfortunately I didn't get that experience up until my 4th and 5th children.

I had the opportunity a couple of weeks ago to go to my midwife's house for a party. She and the other midwife who works with her invited all their clients who'd had babies this year or are currently pregnant. It was awesome. It was so nice to be in the company of other women telling birth stories without drama and that didn't resemble horror stories.

The only time I ever felt bad at the party was when I divulged that I'd had 3 medical births before I "figured it out." None of the women there made me feel bad, I just felt kind of silly that it took so long for me to realize there was a better way. A lot of these women had their first babies at home. At first I was jealous of them, but then I realized that maybe I wasn't supposed to. Maybe I was supposed to have the experiences I did because they did teach me something. (Or maybe I'm just a slow learner.)

Now for all of you thinking I must have had some horrific labors and deliveries for my first 3, you're wrong. Actually, mine were fairly standard, if not above standard, for hospital births. I went in to the hospital when I realized I was in labor, got an epidural and had a baby. Of course, there were a lot of other things that happened that made each experience less than ideal, but all-in-all the outcome was fine. I went home with healthy babies.

But each time I left feeling like, "That didn't feel right. It didn't feel the way my heart and body tell me it's supposed to feel."

I determined I was going to do some learning and figure out what I was missing.

The first thing I figured out was that I for SURE wanted to have a natural birth the next time. After Tink, I knew I could do it if I just had the right tools. This is when I remembered Misty and I started researching using hypnosis during childbirth. There was so much information and it all just "clicked" with me. At first I was a little skeptical, but after reading so many birth stories and after watching lots and lots of youtube videos of women laboring with hypnosis, I realized that THIS is what birth is supposed to be like. I believe Heavenly Father gave us the tools to have wonderful, beautiful births without all the drama and hours and hours of pain. But because our society and culture have lost their trust in the female body, birth has become about the horror stories and women one-upping their friends with what terrible experiences they have to tell.

Interruption of my own thoughts here: Seriously...when did the birth horror stories come into popularity? And WHY ON EARTH did it ever become the "norm" for the sharing of these stories to be told at all baby showers of first-time moms? What could be a worse gift for the soon-to-be-mom? Why don't we tell her how wonderful it is? And how it can be the most empowering, fulfilling, enlightening experience she'll ever go through? Oh yeah, because our culture has made it so that this is NOT the experience of most women. Instead we have the horror stories.
/rant over

Have you heard the stories of women in Asia who work all day in the rice fields while in labor, then they pause to give birth, wrap the baby up on their chest and get back to work? I know I was amazed the first time I heard about such women. After researching, I found that it's because of their culture. They aren't taught to fear childbirth from a young age. They don't grow up wanting babies, but agonizing over the worry of getting those babies out of their bodies. They are raised without the horror stories. They are raised knowing that a woman's body is capable. That's why this gift was given to women.

While women may not have the most muscular bodies, I believe we have much stronger bodies than men. The hormone changes we go through in one month alone would bring most men to their knees.

Back to the fear. Fear is what starts the cycle of pain. Fear causes tension, which causes muscle tightening, which causes pain. ESPECIALLY in a laboring woman. It's so interesting to look back at my first labor experiences. I made it so much harder on myself than it had to be. As soon as the contractions started I tensed up, holding my breath (big "duh" on my part), trying to climb out of my skin. I can tell you IT DIDN'T WORK! I was in so much pain by the time we got to the hospital. I was begging for the epidural with the first 2 babies.

By my 3rd baby, I thought I'd just be able to handle it. I knew if I could just get past 6 or 7 cm dilated, I'd make it the rest of the way. The trouble was I did nothing else to prepare myself. I didn't educate myself about labor or relaxation techniques (after all, I'd been through it twice already, right? What more was there to learn?). I just went in feeling confident that I could handle it. But then they made me lay down on the bed, put a monitor on, put on a blood pressure cuff, and put an IV in my arm. Any chance I had of having a natural birth flew out the window. But I didn't know that yet.

No, I lay there on the bed as the contractions got harder and harder and I tensed up and the pain began to get worse. I had the doctor check me a number of times.....still at a 6. Forever at a 6. I finally gave in and had them call the anesthesiologist. Tink was born about 20 minutes later.

It was after that I determined to learn as much as I could about natural childbirth. And luckily there is a LOT of information out there. I learned about so many advantages to natural childbirth that I knew I'd never go back to a medicated birth again. The other thing I learned (thanks for the heads-up from Misty) was that it didn't have to be painful! It didn't have to be torture! That was the revelation I was seeking and finally ready for!

I also educated myself much more about childbirth itself: the process of it, what's normal, what's not normal, the meaning of different cues a woman's body gives during labor. Most importantly I educated myself enough so that I was absolutely confident in myself and my body and it's ability to labor and deliver my child without the help of medication.

I signed up for a hypnobirthing class. Brent was completely skeptical at first. But after the first couple of lessons, he quickly realized it wasn't hokey. It's absolutely NOT like the hypnosis you see performed on stage. It's self-hypnosis-- getting yourself into a state of deep relaxation. I was completely aware of what was going on around me the entire time I was in labor. I was completely aware of every contraction and of my cervix stretching. But it didn't hurt! It was beautiful.

I can honestly say I didn't feel pain with either of my last 2 births right up until transition. And then it gets a bit harder, but really it's still not terribly painful....just EXTREMELY intense. It's a very, very intense feeling when your body takes over to push the baby out. Although some women remain completely calm during transition, just like the rest of their labor. I wasn't able to do that with either of them, but I also wasn't "out of control." I was just working hard to push the baby out. :)

It was such an awesome, amazing, empowering, spiritual experience. It's hard to describe how I felt. And I'm not trying to put down my other 3 births. They were beautiful and lovely also, once the baby was out. I guess the difference was that I was so much more involved and educated and in control of what was happening the entire time with the natural births. I didn't let nurses or doctors tell me what to do. I didn't leave them in charge. I didn't let them make all the decisions. I knew what to do. I knew my body and what it was capable of.

Part II coming soon. :)

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

(He's my hero, too, Baby!)

We interrupt this regularly scheduled post about something controversial to discuss something not at all controversial.

So my birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I turned 30. Yeah, kind of a big birthday, huh? And yet, magically I don't feel old. If anything, I feel like Finally! I'm not a 20-something anymore! I have some credibility to my name now, right? (Don't answer that.)

In pondering what 30 years meant in my life I came across the realization that it meant my husband has now been IN my life as long as he was OUT of it! Isn't that awesome? I bet not many 30 year olds can say that they've known their spouse for half their life. Brent can't say it yet. ('Cause he's old!....33!) :) This is the time of year I always get nostalgic remembering the beginnings of my relationship with Brent.

I've decided this post is going to be dedicated to the most incredible man I know. (And I can do that, 'cause it is (was?...it still counts if it's within a month, right?) my birthday.)

Brent and I met at church when he suddenly thought I was cute enough to talk to. Then we flirted at church for a few weeks until he asked me out. I declined. And in utter shock he asked me why. My answer: I'm still 15.

This is when it all started. There was something there right from the beginning.

The next few months went by with me trying to see him at every possible opportunity. I'd drag my friend, K, along on walks every single night and we'd just *happen* to go around his block, like 30 times hoping he'd be outside of his house one of those times. I think he started to get the idea of what I was doing and so would just *happen* to be hanging out outside his house on more than a few evenings.

We had a few good nights of talking that way. Then he got his mission call. And I was absolutely bummed. No, not because he was leaving (although I knew I'd miss him, of course I WANTED him to go on his mission), but because of the date he was leaving. October 18, 1995. When was my 16th birthday? October 28, 1995. Lovely. See the dilemma that presented?

Over the next few weeks we started talking on the phone a bit, and I'd still go walking past his house as often as I could. Oh, and we always had church to flirt. We both would try to get to sacrament meeting early so we could make our families sit near each other. As time for his departure drew closer, I realized what I had to do. I HAD to spend as much time with this guy as possible before he left. Even if that meant we were awfully close to that "dating" line. (For those of you who may not know, I wasn't supposed to date before I was 16.)

So it went like this.....
Saturday October 14th. His mother's birthday. She just happened to be my Mia Maid advisor. So what else would a wonderful young woman do on her leader's birthday but take her a cake? Good excuse, right? And possibly racking up some points with the possible-future-in-laws. (Yes, I was already thinking along those lines.) And of course, like any good Young Women leader would, she invited me in to share a piece with her. And who would just happen to be home to help eat that cake? I think you can guess. (Plus I made chocolate cake, which I came to find out later, Brent can smell from miles away.)

Sunday the 15th. Brent's farewell. I secretly hoped he'd say something "in code" to me during his talk. He didn't. Back then they still had the get-togethers after the farewell where everybody in the neighborhood comes to the missionary's home to give congratulations and money. Lucky me, my parents were friends with his parents, so we HAD to go, right? And lucky me, my little brother was his little brother's best friend, so I was doing my duty as a sister to stay there the ENTIRE time while the 2 young boys went off to play together. SOMEBODY had to walk the kid home, right? (He was 12 at the time.)
So there I sat on his living room couch watching everybody come in and out and vying for his attention, which he gave me every spare second he could. Then when things were slowing down and people had stopped arriving, he took me downstairs and showed me the mission pictures he'd had taken. I, of course, told him I wanted a few. He let me have 2. They stayed in my wallet for the next 2 years.
We said goodnight on his front porch and gave each other a big hug. I think this was where my addiction to his hugs first started. It's like Cocaine-- one shot and you're hooked.
We made plans to go for a walk together the next night.

Monday the 16th. He picked me up sometime after dinner and we walked to the elementary school. He held my hand. Sigh. We talked and talked. I knew I'd never met another boy like him. I could automatically be myself and he liked me! Better yet, he didn't play games. He came out and told me he liked me. I knew I had a winner.

Now this is the part where anyone under the age of 18 needs to stop reading. What happens next is not something I condone for the youth of today. But please don't ask me if I have any regrets because I will tell you: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

When it was nearing time to get home, he asked me if he could kiss me. (Another check mark under "this guy's even better than I thought".) So we kissed for a bit and then he walked me home.

Tuesday the 17th. Brent came to the highschool (the seminary, actually, since that was my class right before lunch) and picked me up for a lunch "hang out" (still not calling it a date). We got some Wendy's and drove up to a park. I sluffed (remember that word? that's a funny word!) the rest of the day of school and spent that time with Brent. We talked and ate and kissed and talked. And all the while I was wishing that we'd met even sooner so that I could've had more time with him before he left. More than that I was wishing I'd been born a few months earlier, dang it! Then it would've all been "legal". After our non-date (wink, wink) Brent took me home and left to go finish his preparations for leaving on his mission the next day. We talked again on the phone that night and the next day he was gone.

Now for those of you thinking Brent was being "naughty" and could not be considered worthy to enter the MTC the day after kissing a girl, I'll have you know that he felt tremendous guilt about it. So much so that he had a conversation with his Branch President about it, wherein his BP proceeded to laugh at him and tell him to get back to his studying.....which he did.

The next 2 years were spent writing letters back and forth that took at least 2-3 weeks to get to each other. We sent a few audiotapes (which I listened to as I went to bed.....I STILL love that man's voice. Nothing else can give me goosebumps the way his voice can). Sent a few packages. Wrote my name "Ann Maiden-name Brent's-last-name" on all of my notebooks 50 million times. He baptized a bunch of people, I dated a bunch of guys. Some total losers (ask me about the guy who wore holey sweat pants on our date, had terrible halitosis, BO, no sense of personal space, and made me pay for everything), and some really great guys. The problem was, it always came down to the same issue. None of them were Brent.

2 years passed by, he came home and we picked up right where we left off. Only this time, I had to ask permission to kiss him for the first time since he was fresh off a mission and still freaking out about a girl even holding his hand, let alone kissing said girl.

I want to note one funny story since it should've been the first clue to Brent of what embarrassment being with me would bring him. My brother got married October 17,1997....exactly 2 years after our non-date (wink, wink). Brent came to the reception that night where I caught the bouquet (I think there might've been some hair pulling and toe stomping to get it), after which I immediately turned around to see if Brent had witnessed my fortunate ("fortune"-ate?) catch and to give him "the look". Of course everybody else also witnessed this entire display of "Yes, Brent, I will marry you." I think Brent turned about 10 shades of red. Silly man, he should've known it wouldn't be the first time I'd make him blush. And yet he still asked me to marry him just 4 months later. I'll tell you all about THAT story another time. Because it's also quite the story.

And somehow I've managed to hold onto him through 11 1/2 years of marriage and 5 kids and a whole lot of embarrassment. (Although he now claims he doesn't get embarrassed by me anymore. I don't know if that means I'm less embarrassing now or he's just gotten better at controlling his blushing. Most likely the latter.) And somehow he still loves me. That's enough right there to deserve some kind of trophy!

Thank you, Brent, for being the man of my dreams. You are my Prince Charming riding up on your white horse (or Nissan pick-up truck, Mercury Tracer, Saturn L200, Ford Focus, Honda Civic, Honda Accord, Acura TL, did I miss any?) to rescue me from a life of......well, from a life without you, which is something I never want to experience. Thank you for making HALF OF MY LIFE the most wonderful life I could ask for. I can't wait for the next 15 years!

I love you!

A Clarification

My friend, Cindy, made a good point and I wanted to follow up on it. You don't need the most expensive carseats on the market to have a safe child. What you do need is for the carseat to fit the child, fit the car, be installed correctly every time, be used correctly every time (meaning the child buckled in correctly every time), and for the carseat to not be expired or have ever been in an accident.

People sometimes wonder why carseats expire and think that it's just a way to get consumers to spend more money. But that's not true. Carseats do, unfortunately, expire. The plastic ages, just like anything else. Those of you who've ever left children's play toys out in the yard all summer (or all winter) are probably familiar with how the plastic is not quite the same after.

Different carseats expire after different amounts of time, though, which is also a reason for different price tags. Most carseats expire after 6 years. Some are as few as 5, though. There are a few that are 7 (the Learning Curve True Fit), the Radian has an 8 year life span, and the Britax Frontier and Graco Nautilus both have longer life spans (can't remember how long off-hand....8 or 9 years).

There are carseats I would NEVER recommend getting....not because they're dangerous or anything, but because some are just known to have issues. Some have issues with getting a good fit in most cars and some have issues with kids being comfortable in them, and some have issues with being outgrown way too early because of low weight-limit or low top-harness-slots.

For instance, on my carseat board, the Graco Comfortsport is often referred to as the Crappysport. They make the CUTEST covers on these, they're not super-expensive, and you can buy them off WalMart's shelf, which I know entices parents to buy them. The problem is that they only rear-face up to 30 lbs (not good at all) and only forward face to 40 bls. (also not good). BUT most kids can't even make it to 40 lbs in them because their top harness slots are so low, a lot of kids outgrow them by age 3, if not before.

If you love Graco, go with the new My Ride. It rear-faces to 40 lbs and forward faces to 65 lbs. It's a MUCH better convertible carseat than the Comfortsport (although I like others even better).

Carseats are so easily used incorrectly. I'll explain how to correctly use them.

1) Pay attention....the FIRST thing you need to do is read the owner's manual for your carseat AND for your car. When cars have LATCH anchors, there are sometimes rules about where carseats need to be installed with the LATCH anchors. For example, in our old Honda Accord, there are 2 sets of LATCH. One in each outboard position. If you want to put a carseat in the middle position, you have to use the seatbelt. Honda doesn't allow "borrowing" of LATCH anchors. Also, most vehicle manufacturers have a weigh limit on the LATCH anchors. So if you have a 65 lb-limit forward-facing carseat, you may not be able to install it using the LATCH anchors if your child is over 40 lbs. You'd need to use the seatbelt.

2) Now they need to be installed in your car the correct way. Make sure the LATCH belt or seatbelt (whichever you use) is through the correct belt path. (For convertible carseats, there are 2 different belt paths.)

3) Then you do acrobatics getting the carseats in as tight as possible. If you have locking seatbelts, you pull them all the way out and then let them back in, all while pulling to make sure it's super-tight. Once installed, grip the seat near the belt path and pull side-to-side and front-to-back and make sure there's no more than 1 inch of movement. (The idea is to make it part of the car.) To get mine tight enough, I have to kneel on the carseat while tightening the seatbelt. For other types of seatbelts, there are different rules that I'm unfamiliar with since I don't have any other kind of seatbelt in my cars. (If you have different seatbelts, check your car manual and carseat manual for instructions. If you need help, contact a local carseat technician (CPST) who will teach you how to correctly install your carseats for free.)
If you're using a forward-facing carseat, attach the tether anchor (over the back of the seat) and tighten as much as possible. (Note: Make sure you get a good install BEFORE you attach and tighten the tether anchor.) If you're using a convertible carseat for a rear-facing child that allows for the tether anchor to be used rear-facing, go ahead and attach that now. (Only 2 companies currently allow this-- Britax and Sunshine Kids.)

4) Once the carseat is installed rock-solid, you can get your child in it securely. For rear-facing children, the harness needs to be at or below the child's shoulders. For forward-facing children, the harness needs to be at or above the child's shoulders. Always keep the straps as close to the child's shoulders as possible (ie. don't have the shoulder straps coming out 4 inches above the child's shoulders when there are harness slots closer to the child's shoulders).
Now buckle the child and tighten the harness. It needs to be tighter than most people think. If you can grasp the harness strap by the child's shoulder and pinch it together, it's too loose. Go here to see a picture guide.
The chest clip needs to be at armpit level, not down by their bellies.
Tada! Now you've got a great installation!
One note for rear-facing children. For newborns, the angle of the carseat should be 45 degrees from vertical. Sometimes to get this angle correct, you need to use a tightly rolled-up towel underneath the carseat. (Sunshine Kids doesn't allow for this, but trust me, you won't need it with their carseats.) Once the baby has better neck control, you can install the seat a bit more upright. Up to 30 degrees from vertical, but no less than that.

Now for a bunch of common no-nos:

-Don't use any after-market products. No woolly blankets that go behind the baby, no harness strap covers (that didn't come with the carseat), no belt tighteners like this one. (I know it's from the same company that makes the Radian, but DO NOT USE IT!) And no using those plastic seat-protector mats that go under the carseat. You can use a thin towel if you really feel the need.
So basically, if it didn't come with the seat, don't use it.

-Don't leave the straps twisted. If you have a carseat with twisted straps, take the time to untwist them every time. Basically if you leave them twisted, it's going to feel like a rope is holding your child back in an accident.....no fun for the kid.

-Don't leave your kids in big, fluffy coats in their carseats. The harness can't get tight enough and the coat WILL compress in an accident leaving your child in a loose harness. Here's a demonstration of how to safely let kids wear coats in the car. Or you can just keep blankets in the car and put those over them instead.

-Don't use LATCH and the seatbelt at the same time.

-Don't use infant carriers (the kind you can take out of the base and carry around when the baby is little) forward-facing. (Yes, some people do it.)

-Don't use a carseat once it's outgrown.

-Don't use a carseat once it's expired.

-Don't use a carseat that's been in an accident. Even a minor accident can make small stress fractures in the plastic that can't be seen. And then it won't be as safe if there are any future accidents. Most car insurance companies replace carseats after accidents.

-Don't buy a used carseat unless it's from someone you know (and trust) who can verify that it's never been in an accident.

I want to reiterate that you don't have to buy the most expensive seats out there. There are more and more good carseats available. They used to be few and far between. There are generally reasons for some carseats being more expensive, though. Like I said before, some will last longer (either the kids don't outgrow them as quickly or they have a longer lifespan), some are super-easy to install, some have more creature comforts, and some are just known for being user-friendly all around. But really, you don't have to break the bank to get your kids in safe seats.