Too Many Thoughts

Warning: Random, unfiltered thoughts ahead. Proceed with caution.

Good grief. I haven't updated the blog forever. Want to know why? I have too much to say. Too many things going through my head. I have so many posts I want to write that I get overwhelmed and don't write any of them. Blah.

Plus I just don't know where to fit it in. I feel like I'm barely staying afloat lately, although things are going a little smoother than they were right after Buddy was born. He's still a somewhat high-needs baby, but he's so dang cute and funny, I don't really mind. I love holding him and loving on him. I'm trying to eat up every minute because I know all-too-well how quickly this time goes. And he's so big already!

I've come to the conclusion that I have a problem with time management. I never feel "caught up." I never feel like I've "got it under control." I get things running fairly smoothly, but I get a knot in my stomach feeling like at any moment, somebody will pull the string that will make it all fall apart. And then they do. And I head back to the starting line. I've had people ask if and how they can help. And while I'd LOVE to accept their offers, I have no idea what I could have them do. It's not like I can say, "Here, will you make all of these calls for me? Schedule my visiting teaching appointments, my kid's well-child check-up, and my kids' dentist appointments. Call Comcast and rip them a new one for me since they're charging me more for just one service than they would if I added another (unnecessary and unwanted) service to my account. Call my insurance company and find out what in the world is going on with my claim for Buddy's birth. After you've made all those phone calls, please do school with my kids. Then run them to their respective extra-curricular activities (of which they each only have 1 or 2, but with this many kids, it adds up). Then make lunch and dinner for me and my family." (Can you tell which phone calls are on my to-do list at the moment? They change often, but it always seems I have a number of phone calls to make and I take forever getting around to making them.)

It seems like as soon as I get one thing crossed off my list, I add 2 more. I don't even have time for grocery shopping lately! It doesn't help that Brent has been working insane hours at work as well. He leaves for work in the morning, comes home at a fairly reasonable time most nights (6-6:30), spends time w/me and the kids (but still responds to texts and emails via his phone during this time), then as soon as the kids are in bed, out comes his laptop so he can do more work until we fall into bed. He has so many meetings at work each day, that evenings/weekends are the only time he has to do HIS work. It's a little ridiculous, and he agrees, but there's not a whole lot that we can do about it. It's just one of those crazy times at work right now. And we really are thankful for his great job. But the scale is weighing quite heavy on the "work" side right now instead of the "home" side. Ugh. Is it possible to ever achieve balance?

I have a problem. There are too many things that I want to do. There just isn't enough time to fit it all in during the day. I want to invite other families over for dinner more often. I have the desire to serve (outside of the home) more. I have the desire to do more fun activities with the kids (outings and field trips). I still haven't gotten back on track with all of that. I will admit that the thought of taking 6 kids to a museum or something by myself is a bit daunting. I'm sure I'll come around to it, but the thought kind of makes me want to cry. I have friends and family members that I want to reach out to more often....to make time for sitting down with and shooting the breeze. But it never happens. I take forever to respond to emails from friends and family members trying to keep in contact because I'm not at all concise and when I try to be, I feel like it makes me sound rude and abrupt. So I just avoid responding to emails because I don't want to take the time to write out what I want to say.

So I have all of these things on my "to-do" list that never get done, and possibly never will get done. And then I go and read this post from my friend, Jen. And I cry. Because it speaks to my heart. I want to slow down. I want to take time to "be still." I NEED to. But I have no idea how to. I read parts of Jen's post to Brent the other day and I cried. Especially during the part where she talks about her husband. I realized that the same is true of Brent. He tries TOO hard and is constantly stressed about doing a good job at work, at home, as a father, as a husband, and at church. He has no down time. The man has a very hard time relaxing. He's such a good man and I take him for granted too often.

The other part that stood out to me was that Satan can't get to her by getting her to do Bad. So he gets to her by getting her to do MORE. This is so me! I'm not tempted to do evil things in my life. I'm not tempted by many of Satan's snares. But he gets to me in the area of "being/doing enough." I never feel like I'm doing enough or being a good enough mom or wife. So I convince myself I need to do MORE, MORE, MORE!

Brent and I talked about it afterward and agreed that our lives are too hectic right now and we feel like we're constantly in survival-mode. That's not a good place to be, especially not for such an extended period of time. But we both have no idea how to get out of it. We talked about what, if anything, we could eliminate from our lives to try to get to a better place. And we couldn't think of one thing. How sad is that?

Want to hear something even more sad? After our discussion about being in survival-mode, I realized something. When Brent calls me during the day to check on how I'm doing, I always respond with how much of my to-do list I've accomplished. If it's a good day, it's usually because I've gotten a lot of "stuff" done. If it's a bad day, it's usually because I haven't. So when he calls and asks me how I am, I respond the following way:

B: How are you today?

Me: Great! School and chores are done, beans are in the slow cooker for dinner, I got a couple of phone calls made, etc.

OR

B: How are you today?

Me: Ugh. It hasn't been a good day. Chores aren't done, school is only halfway done and the kids aren't cooperating with it all. I have no idea what we're doing for dinner because I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, so we don't have all the ingredients for the stuff we planned to make.

Neither of those responses are the answer to Brent's question. Why does my "to-do" list affect how my day is going? Why do I let it affect my mood so much? Why do I let it affect how I feel about myself? I was talking to my mom the other day telling her how I feel like such a failure because I'm inconsistent. I'm a woman, right? God made us inconsistent. Our hormones fluctuate more in one month than a man's seem to in a whole year. And they affect our moods and our psyche. I KNOW this, so why am I so hard on myself when I have "down" days? On my "good" days, I get so much accomplished. Life is good. And I think to myself, "See? I KNOW HOW to do this. I should be able to do it EVERYDAY!" And then a week later, I'm not feeling as energetic, I'm in a bit of a fog, and some days I just want to crawl back into bed until it's all over. Now don't get me wrong....I'm not in the depths of depression (I know because I've been there before), nor do I have Bipolar or anything like that. I'm a woman. These are the normal fluctuations of life for us. So why do I feel so bad about it?

(Did you know that some days I write down the simplest things on my to-do list just so that I feel like I accomplished something that day? Things like "get up" or "shower" or "get dressed" or "make lunch".....all these things I do anyway, but it makes me feel good to mark more things off on my list.)

Some days I want to throw out my to-do list and just let life take us where it may. It might even be fun for a few days. But it would soon deteriorate, I'm sure of it. I NEED structure in my life. My kids do better when we're structured as well. When they know what's expected of them each day, they have an easier time doing it. Plus, I have responsibilities that I can't just NOT do. I was given an extra dose of self-imposed-guilt in my gene pool. (As I'm sitting here typing this instead of paying attention to my children, a knot is growing in my stomach because I still need to do school and chores w/the kids and it's now lunchtime already.)

So I'm going to ask for your help. What have all of you done to slow down your lives? To live in and focus on each moment instead of on your to-do lists? How do you respond when your spouse asks you how your day is going? How do I get rid of the stupid guilt when a day doesn't go according to plan?