The first point I'd like to talk about is extended breastfeeding. It's been on my mind a lot lately since I have an 18 month old who still nurses a number of times a day. I'll start by telling you about an experience I had Saturday. I'm still not sure what to do about it. Maybe you can help me decide.
I was in desperate need of new nursing bras since the ones I was currently using were the same bras I bought when Lady was born and I've been using them consistently since then. They were also about 3 sizes too big and it was getting harder to hide the wrinkles under my shirts. After attempting to find some at JCPenney (they only had about 4 varieties and the ladies there weren't helpful AT ALL), Macy's and Dillard's (which don't even carry nursing bras-- which is discrimination, if you ask me), I was at a loss. Luckily my friend came over to do my hair a couple of weeks ago and told me about a local little shop that specializes in maternity/nursing wear. I was so happy! So I went there Saturday and fell in love as soon as I walked into the store. It was FULL of bras! I knew I'd be able to find something there. And even better than the amount of bras was the service I received from the sweet, little lady who was working there that day. We were the only 2 in the store and she helped me figure out the right size and helped me adjust each bra just right so I could really see/feel the differences. It was the best bra-shopping experience of my life!
Except for one detail.
When I first told the lady (we'll call her Lorraine) that I needed a nursing bra, she asked me how old my baby was. I told her, "18 months." She took a longer-than-necessary pause and then the conversation went like this:
Lorraine: "Oh." As if she didn't know what to do with that information. She then asked, "How long do you nurse your babies?"
Me: "I don't really have a set time limit. I'd like to continue however long my baby would like to."
Lorraine: "How long is the longest you've nursed?"
Me: "This is actually about when my last baby quit because I was pregnant with current-baby and my milk dried up and she didn't like that. But I'm not pregnant now and current-baby is still going strong!"
Lorraine: "Oh. Well, I had a friend whose daughter was old enough to actually ask for "chi chi." I just think that's too old. But that's just my opinion, of course."
Me (surprised at the direction this conversation is taking, and not quite sure how to handle it): "Well, it's just so good for them. And it doesn't stop being good for them just because they can ask for it."
Lorraine: "True."
Me: "It's certainly better than cow's milk."
(Which, if you think about it, is also breast milk, just from a bovine instead of a human. I'd much rather my baby be getting breastmilk from her own species, MEANT for her own species.)
Lorraine: "Hmm. Well, I know that in 3rd world countries, where they don't have a lot of food, they nurse their children until they're MUCH older than they do here. I guess it's just not kosher here."
Me: "Yeah, I envy those societies. They know what they're doing. That's what's natural."
Lorraine: "So, what do you think about that bra? It's a nice fit, isn't it?"
Thus ends the awkward conversation.
This is not the first time I have been questioned about my nursing practices, but it is the most lengthy questioning I've experienced. I was caught off-guard because I'd (wrongly) assumed that a woman who worked in a pro-breastfeeding job would actually have a little more knowledge than the average person who just takes the "norms" of society and aligns their thinking accordingly.
I am ashamed to admit, I actually used to think the same way as her. I might've even uttered similar words about not nursing "after they can ask for it".........before I became a mother.
The thing is, when you're in the middle of motherhood, nursing is just something you do everyday (and night). And there wasn't ever a time when I looked at my baby and thought, "Now you're too old to nurse." Each day, they were just one day older than yesterday. And what sense does that argument make anyway? Just because a child can ask for something, we shouldn't give it to them? What if they were asking for a bottle, or a glass of water? And some babies as small as 6 months old can sign for milk. Does that mean they should be cut off? It's just a silly, silly nonsense reason for weaning a child.
Some of my biggest regrets as a mother are the ending of my nursing relationships with each of my 3 oldest children. With AJ, I bottlefed along with breastfeeding because I was too scared to nurse in public, and also because I was in school still and wanted the reassurance that somebody else could feed my child. None of my children since her have ever had a bottle. We don't even own any now. AJ was 9 months old when she started getting all 4 of her top (middle) teeth at the same time. The bottle was easier for her, so she started refusing to nurse. NOW I understand that this was just a nursing strike and I could've pushed through it and continued our nursing relationship. I didn't know that back then, and I had no support to continue nursing. My mother had nursed each of her children for 6 months and thought that was plenty of time. (And in her defense, it was a LOT more time than most women were nursing in that era.)
With Roo, it was such a struggle to nurse him from the beginning. I saw a lactation consultant for 4 MONTHS! My nipples bled for the first 2 months because we could just not get his latch right. So I was not about to give up soon after. My goal was a year, and I made it there. At that point, Roo fell madly in love with food. Real food. And he lost interest in nursing. Again, I could've pushed through and kept the relationship going if I'd have realized it was so good and important. But I didn't.
With Tink, I mistakenly thought that I had to quit nursing to get pregnant again, even though my period had long since returned. So I weaned her at 15 months. She wasn't ready to quit. This is really one of my biggest regrets as a mother. Because it wasn't in any way Tink's choice. It was mine. I still mourn the loss of our nursing relationship.
Finally with Lady I knew better. I got pregnant while nursing, and about halfway through the pregnancy, my milk dried up. I would've kept going. I was actually looking forward to tandem-nursing. But Lady would have nothing to do with it. Our nursing relationship ended when she was 18 months old.
Recently, I've had a few people ask me how long I plan to nurse June. My answer is, "As long as it is beneficial for both of us." She still loves it and I still love it. Just yesterday she was being restless in Sacrament meeting and I whispered in her ear, asking her if she was excited for Nursery. Well, all she heard was "nurse" and got a huge smile on her face and immediately flopped herself back in my arms, ready to go. I laughed out loud, and then I nursed her. :)
Breastfeeding a toddler is very different than breastfeeding an infant. It has its pros and cons, just like anything else. But, in my opinion, the pros far outweigh the cons. I love the cuddle time. I love talking to her and knowing she understands what I'm saying. I love singing to her and seeing her smile while still trying to hold on to her latch. I love having something at my disposal that can immediately calm an agitated, sad, hurt, or frustrated toddler.
Did you know that breastmilk changes as the baby grows up? Toddler milk is quite different than infant milk. It has MUCH more fat in it. You know how doctors tell you children are supposed to drink whole cow's milk after they're a year old because of the high fat content? Well, guess what! Toddler breastmilk does the SAME THING, only it's actually made for the species that's drinking it.
So back to my experience with Lorraine. I'm unsure what to do about it, if anything. Part of me wants to write a letter, expressing my concern about the lack of support some new mothers might feel when talking to someone with these biases. Part of me wants to call her and talk to her over the phone. And part of me just wants to let it go, knowing I can't save the world. The trouble is, it's misinformation and opinions, based on cultural norms rather than biological/natural norms, that perpetuate the problem. As long as people who think like her keep walking around speaking their opinion, it's going to continue to be hard for new mothers to see past that and have the confidence to keep nursing their children. Ugh.
I feel like women today don't have the support they need to breastfeed in the first place, let alone breastfeed beyond a year. I was reading about another country, recently, (I believe it was the Netherlands, but I'm not certain and I can't find the link now) where they have a postpartum nurse/doula that comes to live with the mother for 2 weeks after birth (the Netherlands also have one of the highest rates of homebirth). She acts as a lactation consultant, and takes care of the new mother's every need. Why, oh why, don't we have anything like that here? There are some places where you can see a lactation consultant for free, but they are rare. And most new moms aren't particularly excited about leaving their house over and over to seek help. They have lactation consultants in the hospital, but in my experience, some are better than others. And there's the problem of them only seeing you once or twice during your stay. For me, I felt like I needed someone with me at each nursing session, to help me gain confidence and to just be there for moral support. I think things would've gone much smoother had I had that kind of support. And I think the number of breastfeeding women would increase if there was just some type of support system in place for new mothers. What is currently available is sadly lacking.
So leave me a comment and tell me what you think I should do in regards to Lorraine. I can't make up my mind.
And for anyone who'd like to read more about extended breastfeeding, there are lots of support groups, including La Leche League. Here are a few more good blog posts I've found:
http://compulsivewriter.com/?p=162
http://www.breastfeedingmomsunite.com/2009/05/the-pros-and-cons-of-breastfeeding-a-toddler/
(This one has some more links at the end.)
http://www.accidentalpharmacist.com/2010/12/extending-breastfeeding-beyond-year.html
(This one has a lot of good links at the end as well.)
http://healthland.time.com/2010/12/20/want-smarter-kids-consider-breastfeeding/?xid=rss-topstories&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+time/topstories+(TIME:+Top+Stories)
And just for fun, here's a video that went around during National Breastfeeding Week, and is what my title references.
7 comments:
I don't really have any great comment for the "Lorraine" situation. I do have to say that while breast feeding is the best for the infant I think it is important for a mom to pay attention to the whole family situation. I know it is very different for everyone. Of my five kids I ended up stopping nursing 2 of them at 3 months. My milk hadn't dried up and the babies weren't refusing to nurse. So why did I stop?? I literally hated my kids. I was the meanest mom on the planet. I was nursing because I was "suppose" to in the end for MY Family it was better when I didn't nurse. Everyone became involved in feeding the baby. It turned from a miserable experience to a much better situation. In hindsight post-partum depression most likely was playing a huge role but at the time I only knew I couldn't handle it. When it came to my last my milk dried up at 10 weeks, due to situations beyond my control. I begged my OB to give me the pills that bring back milk. He said no. I cried, and cried. and in hindsight I realized he was right my body was doing everything it could to deal with infections and traumatic situations. So, I guess what I am trying to say is if nursing is a positive part of bonding and family life nurse away. Listen to your body and your emotions. My personal view is if nursing is causing you have contempt for the baby or other children, see a doctor and don't feel bad if you have to stop. The baby needs your love.
p.s. Ann it is a good thing that long ago we agreed we could respect each others opinions, as at times they are so different. Love Ya, EM
But Em, I don't think we actually disagree at all! I never said nursing (and extended nursing) was for everyone. I just said that it's not supported enough in this society. You're not unsupportive of me nursing as long as I want just because you didn't nurse as long as I have. And I'm not unsupportive of you choosing to quit nursing when it was a better situation for your family.
I disagree with a society that doesn't support women who want to breastfeed. I disagree with those who hold the opinion that there is a universally *right* time for weaning a child. It's different for everybody. I supported my sister when she turned to formula and bottles. It was what was best for her and her family at the time. I'm not anti-formula/bottles. I'm just pro-breastfeeding (for as long as a woman and/or child wants to). They're not the same thing. :)
Em, you know I love you. I just wanted you to know that I agree with everything you said in your comment. :)
Jacob is still nursing and he'll be 3 in May. He mostly nursed to take a nap, bed at night, and if he's hurt/sick/grouchy and needs comfort. Gotta love the 'magic' milk when he's hurt!
I have to admit, too, that I was a horrified, judgmental, sister missionary when an American Indian wife of a serviceman let her 5-year-old climb into her lap and nurse a bit before bed while we were teaching a discussion. I'm sure my jaw dropped and my companion and I had one of those, "Can you believe that?" conversations after leaving the house. Sigh - so little did I know. Now I'm the one getting the raised eyebrows.
But, hopefully seeing me nursing will help encourage a mother somewhere to think that it's ok to nurse as long as she feels like it.
But, I do tend to do most of my nursing at home or among friends because being judged all the time gets tiresome.
Good thing Tom is so supportive. He thinks it's a bit long to go, but is fine with Jacob and I deciding the timeline. We'll see how long we last.
Misty
i am surprised that "Lorraine" would discourage a woman from breastfeeding if she has nursing bras in her store...duh!...that would hurt her bottom line...like a vegan working at a pizza place! (For example: "I just don't think it's right for people to eat meat pizza, it is so bad for them") Hello!
Absolutely...you should talk to the owner/manager of the establishment and explain that the conversation wasn't helpful...and could possibly influence whether you will recommend the place to someone else...
I'm not an extended nurser...I nurse to save money...not the best reason...but thankfully in this situation it is also the best for my child too!
also...i had a good lesson about judging the other day...
i visited another ward, went to the mother's room to nurse, got to talking with the other women and they asked how old my baby was...i said 10 months...they were floored...because he looks like he could be almost 2! then it occurred to me they probably thought it was strange for me to be nursing such a big boy...and suddenly i looked down and i thought yeah!...you are a big kid!!, and laughed it off...it didn't change the fact that he was only 10 months and still needed to be breastfed!
Tough one. Honestly, it sounds like the conversation you had with her probably did more good than you realize. And I get your frustration-- pushy versus helpful; where is that line for you in wanting to help educate?
I am thinking that you should hold off for a little bit. If you feel that you should contact her still by next week, then do it. Knee-jerk reactions don't always yield the best or intended results, you know?
you big weirdo!! nursing your potty trained child is a bit much. :) i'm just kidding... [adding a little drama to your blog comments.]
the older and wiser i've gotten, the more i've learned to never say "i will never". And, with that wisdom, also comes the remembering of everything I used to judge and now embrace.
no one could have TOLD me different, i had to LIVE life to change and grow. God taught me.
i think if you say something to Lorraine, you will just be a stereo-typical weirdo to her... you're not really going to teach her anything.
Probably, she went home and thought about your conversation just like you have. Maybe, next week someone else will come into the store and she will respond a little differently.
But then again, I am anti-confrontational... and, i'm used to being different. I tend to let other people walk their own journey... because I know that i'm still walking mine.
Now, if they ASK... then it's different. I say what I really think if someone asks. Because, when I'm seeking answers, God always puts a wise woman in my path. So, if you get a customer satisfaction survey in the mail... let her rip!!
my opinion. since you asked.
Post a Comment